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Season 11, Episode 251: Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen
Original Air Date: 2/28/83
Written by: Alan Alda, Burt Metcalfe, John Rappaport, Dan Wilcox & Thad Mumford, Elias Davis & David Pollock, Karen Hall
Directed by: Alan Alda
This episode opens in a location we've never seen--the Army psychiatric hospital where Sidney Freedman works. We find him in the middle of a session with a patient, except the patient is...Hawkeye.
Sidney is trying to get to the bottom of something that happened involving a trip most of the camp took to the beach. But Hawkeye is in no mood to talk--all he's interested in is getting out, pronto. When everyone back at the 4077th calls him to lift his spirits, that's all he talks about to them, as well.
There's rumors of the peace talks progressing, to the point of ending the war once and for all. Margaret seems so confident that she starts planning what she's going to be doing after the war, which initially involves her working at an administrative post in Tokyo.
She tries to share her good news with Winchester, who is less than interested--partly because he's learned that his application to be Chief of Thoracic Surgery in Boston may be turned down, but mostly because he's suffering from a stomach ailment, causing an acute bout of intestinal distress.
All this is tabled when a tank comes tearing onto the compound, flailing wildly, eventually crashing into the Latrine, causing Winchester to wander off, panicked.
Margaret begins to berate the tank driver, but when he emerges from it, she sees he's severely wounded. Soon, she is assisting Col. Potter in OR working on the young man.
Meanwhile, the construction of the new Latrine is going so slowly (what would you expect, with Igor in charge?) that Winchester is forced to use, as Col. Potter so delicately puts it, "The ravine latrine."
Left with no other options, Winchester heads out into the woods, where he runs into five North Korean soldiers. He begs for mercy, until he sees what they are carrying aren't guns, but...musical instruments. "By God, they're musicians", he says to himself, astonished. They follow Winchester back to the 4077th, looking to turn themselves in.
Back at the hospital, Sidney and Hawkeye continue to talk, and Hawkeye admits that on the bus they took home, there was a wounded solider. Sidney wonders why Hawkeye didn't mention this before, but Hawkeye has no answers.
Meanwhile, Margaret has Klinger write a telegram to an old friend back at Boston Hospital, looking to help Winchester land his dream job. She's interrupted by Soon Lee, who needs Klinger's help in finding her still-missing parents. They are both interrupted by Col. Potter, who demands Klinger call I-Corps to get help removing the giant tank, still in the middle of the compound.
Winchester, back at the Swamp, tries to listen to some classical music. Its drowned out by the North Korean musicians, and when he demands they stop, they surprise him by playing some Mozart. They're so good it stops Winchester in his tracks, stunned, unable to move even as wounded arrive.
A few days later, B.J. gets a surprise letter from I-Corps--orders to head home! He tells Col. Potter, who thinks it must be some sort of snafu. B.J., afraid to ask I-Corps any further questions, begs to let go. Potter makes him a deal--if B.J. can find a replacement, then he's free to go.
Suddenly, artillery starts to fall, and everyone hides under the tables in the Mess Tent. Unfortunately, all the P.O.W.s imprisoned in the makeshift cell in the compound are sitting ducks. As the bombs get closer, Father Mulcahy runs outside to free them.
He succeeds, but he's too close when one bomb hits, knocking Mulcahy to the ground. Later, B.J. examines him, and Mulcahy learns he's damaged a part of his inner ear. Which, B.J. warns, might lead to Mulcahy losing his hearing completely. Mulcahy, scared to be sent home (and unwilling to leave the orphans "in the lurch"), makes B.J. promise not to tell anyone else.
Meanwhile, Hawkeye starts to slowly reveal what happened that night on the bus--he tells Sidney they came across a North Korean patrol, so they had to turn off the lights and be completely quiet until they pass. Everyone does so, except for a squawking chicken sitting on the lap of a Korean woman. She unable to keep it quiet, endangering everyone's lives.
Back at the 4077th, Soon Lee is determined to keep searching for her parents, even in dangerous areas. Klinger tries to talk her out of it, but she won't listen. Meanwhile, B.J. keeps pestering him to find a replacement surgeon so he can go home.
A day or so later, B.J. comes to visit Hawkeye, but its tense and awkward. B.J. obliquely mentions going home, but when it sets Hawkeye off he clams up about his orders home. When B.J. mentions his daughter Erin, it sends Hawkeye into a raving talking jag, which unnerves B.J. so much he gets Sidney.
Sidney starts an impromptu session, and B.J. departs, but not before awkwardly saying goodbye--realizing it might be the last time he ever sees him.
Sidney and Hawkeye talk, and it eventually comes back to talking about the bus and the chicken. Hawkeye reveals that the woman smothered the chicken to keep it quiet, reducing Hawkeye to anguished tears.
Sidney at first can't understand why this upsets Hawkeye so, until he reveals it wasn't a chicken the woman smothered...it was her own baby. The woman smothered her own baby to save everyone else's life.
Hawkeye is angry and disgusted that Sidney drew that memory out of him, but Sidney says this is good news: "Now we're halfway home."
A couple of days later, Hawkeye assumes he's heading home, but Sidney has disappointing news: he's going back to the 4077th. Hawkeye crumples up the letter to his father telling him he's coming home, tossing it away.
Back at the 4077th, Klinger arranges a flight for B.J. home, having scheduled a replacement surgeon--a Dr. Arnie Jacobsen--to arrive the next day. A chopper arrives, delivering mail. When he mentions he's headed to Kimpo, B.J. bums a ride with him--even though that means he has to leave in five minutes.
With so little time, B.J. only has the chance to give everyone a cursory goodbye. He tries to write a letter to Hawkeye, but can't think of what to say. He finally asks Margaret to talk to Hawkeye for him. Margaret tearfully hugs B.J. goodbye.
Potter watches as B.J.'s boards the chopper, just as Klinger finds him, telling him that I-Corps has rescinded B.J.'s orders. Potter pretends not to hear this, and watches B.J. depart.
As Hawkeye makes his way back to the 4077th, we watch Winchester train his North Korean musicians in the art of classical music, Klinger continue to try and help Soon Lee find her parents, and Margaret accept another offer as to what she's going to do after the war is over.
Wounded arrive just as Hawkeye returns, and he is floored to hear B.J. has left for home. His replacement, Capt. Jacobsen, hasn't arrived either, meaning the 4077th is short handed.
Hawkeye is slow to get back to the old routine. Margaret asks what's wrong, and Hawkeye asks "What could be wrong? I'm about to stick my hands into a kid whose insides look like raw meat loaf, I found out my best friend went home without leaving me so much as a damn note..."
Margaret interrupts, apologizing for B.J., saying how bad he felt about doing that, but Hawkeye cuts her off: "Trapper left without leaving a note, too...is it the war that stinks, or me?"
After the long session in OR, bombs start to fall again. After hiding in a sandbag-fortified Post Op, Hawkeye has had enough--he bolts out onto the compound, ducking artillery blasts. He jumps into the tank, and drives it off into the camp garbage dump, a mile or two away. He returns to the compound to a round of applause...except from Col. Potter and Margaret, who think they need to put in a call to Sidney.
Meanwhile, Soon Lee has taken off to search for her parents, into dangerous areas. Klinger finds her, and promises he will help her find her parents, no matter what. Soon Lee agrees, and heads back to the 4077th with him.
That night, Col. Potter and Klinger spy a fiery glow coming from the hills. Klinger thinks its the sunset, but Potter realizes they're looking east, not west--its a massive forest fire, started by all the falling artillery.
This causes the 4077th to bug out, and move the whole camp down the road. Once they get there, they are met by their new surgeon--B.J.
Turns out that once I-Corps realized their error, they found B.J. in an airport in Guam, and sent him right back to Korea. As frustrated as he is, he's happy to see Hawkeye back. He apologizes to Hawkeye for not leaving a note, but Hawkeye gives him a sarcastic reply.
That night, Klinger reveals his deep feelings for Soon Lee, and asks her to marry him. She accepts, but mentions that she can't leave Korea until she finds her parents. Even after Klinger responds "that could be months...years", she remains adamant. At an impasse, Klinger departs.
The next day, the camp has a picnic for the kids in the local orphanage, and Sidney arrives to talk to Hawkeye. Hawkeye admits to being terrified to perform surgery again.
A few days later, Winchester's North Korean musicians are shipped out, over his protestations. With a truce seemingly near, all the POWs are being shipped out. Winchester, sad but accepting, watches the truck they're in depart down the road, as the five musicians play Mozart, the sound getting quieter and quieter.
Heading back to the Swamp, Winchester is stopped in his tracks when the P.A. makes an announcement: the truce has been signed, hostilities will end in 12 hours: "The war is over!"
Just as everyone breaks into hysterical cheers, wounded arrive, snapping the 4077th back to work. Amid the chaos, Potter announces I-Corps wants them back to their original location, with the bug out commencing after the session in OR.
Making their way back, everyone is sad to see their former home burnt to a crisp, with the metal hospital left charred and stained. Potter takes a look around, and then announces, "Okay, boys and girls...let's go to work."
The next day, everyone goes through their last OR session, where they talk about what the first thing is they want when they get home. They are discouraged as they listen to reporter Robert Pierpoint give the sad totals of the war--how many dead, how many wounded, how many left homeless, how much money spent.
During a break, Hawkeye and B.J. talk in the Mess Tent, where Hawkeye admits the only thing he's going to miss about the 4077th is B.J. B.J. promises to keep in contact, "One year Peg and I will come east", but his tone underlines the uncertainty they both feel about ever seeing each other again.
Hawkeye mocks B.J. a bit over this, trying to get him to actually say the word "goodbye." B.J. refuses, and walks off.
More wounded arrive, and Winchester does triage. He is stunned when he sees one of the wounded--who is inevitably going to die from his injuries--is one of the North Korean musicians. He asks what happened to the rest, but is grimly told the one lying before him, "Is the only one that made it this far."
Crushed, he wanders into the Swamp and puts on some Mozart. He listens to it for a few seconds, then angrily grabs the record, smashing it into pieces.
As the session in OR continues, Sidney quietly follows asks how Hawkeye is doing. When Hawkeye feels confident enough to work on a small wounded child, Sidney knows Hawkeye will be fine.
As he makes his exit, he says goodbye to everyone. He stops at the door, turns, and says, "You know I told you people something a long time ago, and its just as pertinent today as it was then: ladies and gentlemen, take my advice--pull down your pants, and slide on the ice." With that, Sidney Freedman departs.
Moments later, the official end of the war is heard when the guns go silent. Robert Pierpoint announces: "There it is--that's the sound of Peace." Everyone pauses for a moment, then goes back to work.
The next night--the last night they'll have together--the 4077th holds a huge dinner in the Mess Tent to announce what each of them will be doing once they get home.
Col. Potter goes first, saying he'll be a semi-retired country doctor, but most of the time, he'll be "Mrs. Potter's Mr. Potter." Kellye follows, saying she's found a position in a hospital back home in Honolulu.
Rizzo announces his plans to breed frogs for french restaurants, much to everyone's hysterics. Hawkeye follows, planning to return to Crabapple Cove, and having the time to talk to his patients, and "get to know them." Igor plans to be a pig farmer, to which Rizzo asks, "What do you mean, 'gonna be'?"
Nurse Bigelow, after being a nurse at the tail end of WWII, and then Korea, quietly admits, "You know something? I've had it."
Potter asks Winchester, who initially gives a bloodless answer about being Chief of Thoracic Surgery, so his life "Will go on pretty much as I expected." He begins to sit down, but then stops, admitting, "For me, music was always a refuge from this miserable experience...now it will always be a...reminder."
Margaret announces she's worked through a number of offers, but has decided to work in the States, in a hospital. She tearfully thanks her nurses for their superb work.
Klinger is last, and he announces that he and Soon Lee are getting married! He then points out the one problem is that she won't leave until she finds her parents. So, he admits, "I don't believe I'm saying this...I'm staying in Korea." Everyone erupts into stunned laughter. The evening ends with a toast to the new couple, everyone clinking their glasses in succession.
The next morning, Father Mulcahy performs the marriage ceremony, with Col. Potter as Best Man. As Klinger and Soon Lee climb into their "limo" (a horse-drawn cart), Klinger says goodbye to all his friends. B.J. has him sign a picture of himself in his Scarlett O'Hara gown, because, when he tells Erin about his experiences, "There's just some things she's just not going to believe."
After tearfully saying goodbye to Col. Potter, Soon Lee throws her bouquet, right into the arms of...Margaret.
The nurses head off to the 8063rd, but not before Kellye and some of the others grab their hometown markers from the camp signpost.
Father Mulcahy then leaves, still trying to keep his hearing loss a secret. Hawkeye tells him a joke, but he can't hear it, so after B.J. giving him silent instructions, he fakes a laugh. As he climbs into his ambulance, he waves and says, "Goodbye everybody...I'll pray for you."
Winchester, originally scheduled to depart with Margaret in a jeep, finds there is no room left since she has filled it with her belongings. Winchester kisses her hand goodbye, and Col. Potter kisses her on the head, just as a father would do. She and Hawkeye stare at one another for a moment, awkwardly trying to figure out what to say.
They finally embrace, and share a long--really long--passionate kiss. After they finish, Hawkeye simply says, "Well, so long", to which Margaret replies, "See ya." She watches them all as her jeep leaves the camp.
Just before Winchester leaves in--of all things--a garbage truck, they watch the Swamp be collapsed, forever. Hawkeye expresses sympathy for all the homeless rats, but Winchester assures him "Don't worry, you'll find somewhere to go."
He compliments Col. Potter's skills as a commander, and sarcastically says goodbye to Hawkeye and B.J. Climbing into the junky garbage truck, he bows slightly, and says, "Gentlemen." With that, he departs.
Before Col. Potter climbs on Sophie, he thanks Hawkeye and B.J. for always making him laugh, telling them there were times when, as commander, he had to pretend he was mad at them, but "Inside, I was laughing to beat all hell."
Hawkeye and B.J., teary-eyed, tell their former commander they have a gift for him--a honest, no-nonsense military salute. Col. Potter tearfully returns the gesture of respect, and rides off on his steed.
Hawkeye and B.J. begin an awkward goodbye on the compound, but when they hear Hawkeye's chopper arrive B.J. offers him a ride up to the chopper pad.
Once they make it there, they say goodbye, admitting how much they will miss one another. After recalling some great times together, they hug. Hawkeye climbs into the chopper, and B.J. starts his motorcycle.
He yells to Hawkeye, saying "I'll see you back in the States--I promise! But just in case, I left you a note", pointing to something off in the distance.
Hawkeye, confused, yells, "What?!?" but B.J. doesn't answer. He simply waves goodbye, and drives off.
Hawkeye's chopper begins to lift off, and he looks around for what his friend was talking about. He smiles when he sees, on one of the lower chopper pads, a note B.J. has left for him, spelled out in stones: "Goodbye."
Cracking a grin, Hawkeye looks out one last time over the camp, now mostly deserted and consisting of empty building frames. He then leans back into his seat, looking at peace.
The last shot we see is of Hawkeye's chopper, headed off into the distance:
Fun Facts: This episode still holds the record, almost 27 years later, as the most watched series episode TV history, with over 106 million viewers. Considering how fragmented TV is now, its a safe bet that's a record that will never be broken.
This is the series' longest episode, and the only one to feature an on-screen title.
I have so many comments and/or questions relating to this episode, I hardly know where to begin, and we don't have room for them all here. So here's a few:
Question: Why can't Col. Potter take Sophie with him? He lives in Missouri, not Manhattan. As an animal lover since I was small, the idea that Col. Potter left Sophie behind was really heartbreaking to me. Maybe it was to give Harry Morgan some bit of a storyline, since, of all the characters, he undergoes the least change in this episode?
Comment: I love Hawkeye bringing up Trapper not leaving a note when he left, even after all this time. Hawkeye as a character was always more insecure than B.J., so that line really gives you the sense that Hawkeye is still smarting from that perceived slight.
Question: All the characters get to say goodbye to each other in the final scene, except for Margaret and Father Mulcahy, who will see each other again at the 8063rd. Why was this? Just one goodbye moment too many?
Comment: I love the moment with Enid Kent as Nurse Bigelow in the banquet scene. Most everyone is chipper and happy now that the war's over, and looking forward to the next chapter of their lives. But Nurse Bigelow is just sick of war, sick of the death. This was the character's finest moment in the series.
Comment: This episode was filmed at the beginning of the year, before most of the other Season Eleven episodes. How weird must have that been for the actors, to play these heartfelt, tearful goodbye scenes, and then go and film more shows?
Favorite Line: How do I pick a favorite line from this monumental, literally historic episode?
There aren't that many funny lines, which is to be expected, since this episode is so inherently dramatic. So I'm going to pick two lines, one funny, one serious.
The laugh line: When, after Hawkeye finishes another rant mentioning a bus, Sidney repeats back to him: "Chickens take the bus?"
Hawkeye, aggravated to no end: "Again with the bus? Why don't you subscribe to Arizona Highways and leave me alone?"
Now for the serious: during Hawkeye and B.J.'s final scene, there are many great, heartfelt lines, but I think B.J.'s line "I can't imagine what this place would have been like if I hadn't found you here" hits me the most.
As a kid, I was, as you might imagine from someone who spends so much time blogging about comic book superheroes, horror magazines, and TV shows, not a very "macho" kid. I didn't like to play sports, and when I did I was awful. I felt like I didn't fit in and so many of the things that boys my age were into I was completely indifferent to.
I was a sensitive kid, and of course any kid who was interested in anything less than punching another kid in the face was called "gay", or a host of other terms meant to wound.
Not to over-dramatize this, but I clearly remember watching the final episode, as it aired. I was in the 6th grade, and it was revelatory to me, to watch two men express their fondness--oh hell, love--for one another so openly. Hawkeye and B.J. were two people I aspired to be like--they were smart, confident, compassionate, funny--and if they could be so open with who they were, maybe I could be, too.
So...is this the end of the blog? Well, yes and no. I have a bunch of other related posts to get to in the next week or two, so please join me for those.
But after that, yes, my look back at M*A*S*H will end and this blog will cease. Had any episodes of After M*A*S*H been available, in any format, I might have considered taking a look at that series, too--I haven't seen any of them since they first aired, and I'd love to revisit the show and see how it plays now (I really can't believe, with all the TV shows that have been put on DVD, that After M*A*S*H is still languishing in limbo).
Be back tomorrow!
Season 11, Episode 250: As Time Goes By
Original Air Date: 2/21/83
Written by: Dan Wilcox & Thad Mumford
Directed by: Burt Metcalfe
In the O Club, Winchester reads a newspaper article mentioning a time capsule being buried in Los Angeles. He thinks its a useless gesture, but Margaret likes the idea, and starts an effort to create one for the 4077th.
Hawkeye, also initially skeptical, changes his mind and wants to be included in the selection process, much to Margaret's distrust.
B.J. pulls a mild joke on Rizzo, passed out in the O Club. Even though its just a joke, Rizzo promises revenge.
The time capsule effort is interrupted when wounded arrive, including a sniper who is alleged to have shot a G.I. Klinger is put in charge of incarcerating the prisoner, and its a beautiful young Korean woman named Soon-Lee (Rosalind Chao). She protests her innocence, but Klinger won't listen.
Later, Margaret and Hawkeye resume their search, and Margaret wants something military. Potter demurs, but thinks Hawkeye's suggestion of a bunyon pad (of great use to Potter after so many long sessions in OR) is a great idea. Margaret is aghast.
The G.I. shot by the sniper is missing--he and the chopper flying to the 4077th never having arrived. Soon-Lee protests her innocence, saying that she got separated from her family and if she doesn't find them soon, she may never see them again. Klinger, at least partly sympathetic, says he can't let Soon-Lee go until I-Corps tells him to. He tries to make Soon-Lee understand, but she hurls her tray of food at him in fury.
The missing chopper arrives the next morning, with the pilot explaining that the chopper's fan belt busted, forcing them to land. A sniper's bullet hit their radio, leaving him unable to call anyone. The chopper pilot (Michael Swan) quietly picks up a new fan belt, and leaves.
Rizzo gets revenge on B.J. by using a dud grenade to force him out of the showers onto the compound, sans clothes. B.J. now also swears revenge, which he gets with the help of Winchester.
B.J. then operates on the wounded man, and Klinger takes possession of the bullet. He determines that it doesn't fit the gun Soon-Lee was holding when she was picked up, proving she's innocent. Klinger frees her, and he and Father Mulcahy driver her to a refugee camp where Mulcahy thinks her parents might be.
Meanwhile, the time capsule effort continues on its parallel tracks--Margaret collects the usual items, with Hawkeye's being a little more informal: a bottle of cognac from Winchester, a stale piece of toast from Igor, and Klinger's Scarlett O'Hara dress. Margaret is sure Hawkeye is doing this to mock the time capsule.
In Post Op, they talk to the wounded solider, and he tells an amazing story: the chopper pilot, with a shot-up chopper, could only fly fifty feet at a time, so he would walk that far ahead, all alone, finding a place to land. He'd then walk back, fly to the new location with his wounded cargo, and then start all over again. This went on all night, and the young man is sorry that the pilot left so unceremoniously before he could thank him.
Klinger, Father Mulcahy, and Soon-Lee make it to the refugee camp, only to be cruelly disappointed, when its obvious that these are not Soon-Lee's parents.
Later that night, Margaret and a bunch of the others break ground and prepare to bury the time capsule. Rizzo donates some spark plugs, Kellye donates some combat boots, and Col. Potter donates one of his favorite Zane Grey novels.
At last minute, Hawkeye, B.J., and Winchester show up with a trunk full of their own items, planning to bury an alternate time capsule. Margaret protests, but then Hawkeye shows what's inside: the broken fan belt from the chopper, Father Mulcahy's boxing gloves, Winchester's bottle of cognac--as well Radar's teddy bear, representing "All the soldiers who came over here as boys and went home as men."
B.J. offers up a favorite fishing lure, one that Hawkeye told him belonged to Henry Blake--it stands for "All the men that never made it home."
Margaret accepts these items gracefully, but draws the line at Klinger's Scarlett O'Hara dress. After everyone protests, she relents, but insists it be his basic black dress, not "that awful get-up." Klinger, happy to be contributing, runs off to get it.
Margaret thanks Hawkeye for his contributions, and he says that as long as they're burying things, "Why not the hatchet?"
Later, Hawkeye, B.J., and Winchester head to the O Club, where on the way they discuss the long-gone Frank Burns. They meet up with Klinger, who is taking Soon-Lee to the O Club as well. The place is packed, and Klinger is sure they'll nevr get a table.
Winchester is confident a few tables will open up shortly, producing the dud grenade he took from Rizzo.
Fun Facts: This was the series' final episode, in terms of filming (the final episode, confusingly, was shot at the beginning of the season).
The scene pictured above was the last scene shot for the show and the series. There's video of a massive phalanx of press swooping in, cameras flashing, as soon as director Burt Metcalfe yelled something to the effect of "That's a wrap!"
This episode features the first appearance of Rosalind Chao as Soon-Lee, who would of course play a major role in the final show. Outside of specific two-part episodes, this is the only time a sub-plot of any kind was continued over multiple episodes.
This episode manages to get in mentions of Henry, Frank, and Radar, but not Trapper. Also, most of the supporting actors--Jeff Maxwell as Igor, G.W. Bailey as Rizzo, and Kellye Nakahara as Nurse Kellye--all get a couple of lines each in this (almost) final show.
This episode has an on-screen dedication, the only time any M*A*S*H episode featured this. Its dedicated to the memory of Connie Izay, R.N., the show's Technical Advisor from 1977-1982. Ms. Izay died in 1982.
One question I have regarding the time capsule--it seems like Margaret and the rest plan to bury it immediately, but Hawkeye and the others manage to get some stuff in at the last minute. Regarding the fan belt in particular, Hawkeye remarks "It would be nice if people remembered him a hundred years from now."
That sounds nice, but...how would anyone a hundred years from now know what any of those items mean? Maybe Margaret included a letter explaining everything, but there's clearly no explanation for the last-minute additions like the teddy bear, the fishing lure, etc.
Take a look at Loretta Swit's face in the wide-shot after B.J. hands her the fishing lure that belonged to Henry Blake. Even though the focus of the scene isn't on her (at the same moment, Winchester is pulling out his cognac), look how sad Margaret looks, once again thinking about her departed comrade. Its a very sweet moment, easy to miss if you happen to be looking somewhere else during the shot.
In the book The Last Days of M*A*S*H (by Alan and Arlene Alda) its revealed that the cast actually did bury a time capsule, filled with props and other mementos of their time on the show. There's even a photo of them lowering it into the ground!
Favorite Line: Hawkeye, B.J., and Winchester walking towards the O Club:
Winchester: "Oh, by the way, you realize you didn't include anything in the time capsule from the infamous Major Burns."
Hawkeye: "I was thinking about putting in his scalpel but I didn't want to include any deadly weapons."
Not only is this just a good, funny line, but it feels a little meta, too--like the show wanted to get in one last swipe in at Frank Burns before it all ended.
Season 11, Episode 249: Give and Take
Original Air Date: 2/14/83
Written by: Dennis Keonig
Directed by: Charles S. Dubin
Among the newly-arrived wounded is a North Korean solider, shot by one of the G.I.s also at the 4077th. Before he goes under the knife, the G.I., named Kurland (Craig Wasson) tells B.J. the story--he had been shot, and while lying their wounded, he caught the North Korean trying to steal his boots.
Waking up in time, Kurland shot the North Korean soldier at point blank range, delivering a severe wound, something Kurland is proud of.
In Post Op, the North Korean is put alongside Kurland, who is aghast at a commie being allowed in the hospital. He softens when he sees how wounded the young man is, especially when he sees that the North Korean is suffering from severe frostbite--he was found, wounded, with his feet wrapped in bandages. Kurland offers the wounded man his extra blanket to help keep him warm. Margaret thanks him for the act of charity, but Kurland dismisses it, saying "Anything to shut him up."
Later, Klinger gives out candy bars to all the wounded, even the North Korean. The young man takes it, then offers it to Kurland, as a way to say thanks. Kurland accepts.
The next day, the North Korean solider takes a severe turn for the worse. Despite Hawkeye working on him a second time, he dies in Post Op a few hours later--right in front of Kurland.
Later, Kurland is ready to ship out, and Col. Potter hands him his boots. Upon touching them, Kurland begins to choke up, saying he now understands what the young man was trying to do--stealing Kurland's boots just to keep from freezing to death. Realizing he "would have done the same thing", he wonders how he'll ever be able to look at a pair of shoes again without thinking of this.
Potter tries to comfort Kurland, putting him arm around him, apologizing for their being "some wounds I just can't treat."
Fun Facts: The B-plot is about Winchester, stuck with the monthly charity fund-raising job, pawning it off on someone else, and then each successive person trades it away once they learn how tough it is to raise the money.
There's a great moment where Winchester, desperate to trade the job away, tries to get Margaret to do it. In response, Margaret laughs, "Ha! I wouldn't do that weenie job again if you boiled me in oil!"
The line's not all that great, but there's something about how informal Margaret is that makes me laugh. Can you picture the old "Hot Lips" Houlihan using a term like weenie?
Actor Craig Wasson also appeared in Nightmare on Elm Street 3, a cable staple when I was a teenager. Sometime around early 1988, he walked into the Roy Rogers restaurant I was working at. A bunch of us made a fuss, since we recognized him, and he was very gracious with us and all the attention. True story!
Favorite Line: Father Mulcahy returns the charity ledger, having made its way through the camp, to the original owner, Winchester. He mentions that the general in charge of the effort will go to the person whose name is in the book, and that's Winchester.
Slapping the book down, he says that once the general sees the empty ledger, "You'll be busted so low you'll be saying 'Yes, sir' to Klinger!"
Season 11, Episode 248: Friends and Enemies
Original Air Date: 2/7/83
Written by: Karen Hall
Directed by: Jamie Farr
Wounded arrive, and one of them is an old friend of Col. Potter's, Col. Woody Cooke (John McLiam), who was shuffling papers back at I-Corps the last time Potter saw him.
In Post Op, a couple of wounded G.I.s mention that Col. Cooke showed up on the front lines, unannounced and unwelcome, and started issuing bizarre and downright dangerous orders. Even after artillery started falling, Cooke wouldn't budge, leading to a bunch of them getting hit.
Meanwhile, B.J., stuck in the Swamp due to an ingrown toenail, is being driven mad by his inability get away from Winchester's dreadfully grim classical records. He even goes so far as to file down Winchester's phonograph needle, forcing him to turn to Margaret, who just received a new record player--but no records.
Hawkeye goes to Col. Potter to tell him about what the wounded men said, but Potter gets enraged, calling them "wet behind the ears" and even accusing Hawkeye of being that, too. Hawkeye tries to talk some sense into him, but Potter is having none of it, ordering Hawkeye out of his tent.
The next day, Potter and Woody share a drink in his tent, and Potter gently tries to draw some information about what happened at the front, but Woody insists he was the only one there who knew what he was doing.
Potter does some looking into it, via the wounded soldiers' POV. One of them, a Sergeant named Zurilli (Jim Lefebvre), tells Potter that even though his CO told the Sergeant to stay away from a particular hill, Woody showed up and countermanded those orders.
Potter asks why Zurilli didn't mention this to his CO, but he was sure it would just get covered up by one of Cooke's friends. When asked why he didn't mention it when he got to the 4077th, Zurilli answers, "Same reason, sir."
Potter, now convinced, finds Hawkeye in the O Club and apologizes, downing a stiff drink in anticipation over what he has to do his old friend.
Back in his tent, over a game of checkers, Potter tells Woody what he knows and that its going to go in the report he has to file with I-Corps. Woody protests, then begs, but Potter says he's not willing to let one more young man get hurt by allowing Woody back on the line. Woody, furious, claims their friendship is over, and wheels himself out of Potter's tent.
Later, Potter finds Hawkeye on the compound, and they walk to the O Club to get a drink--just in time to see B.J. burst out the door of the Swamp, hopping like mad to get away from Winchester's music, now playing at full blast from Margaret's record player.
Fun Facts: Over 251 episodes, any show of that long a run is going to repeat plots occasionally. This episode is probably the single most obvious example--Col. Potter had the exact same problem with an old friend in Season Five's "Ping Pong."
This is this season's "Angry Potter" episode, although that element of the show is the shortest of them all this time around--basically lasting only two brief scenes. (Its the last "Angry Potter" episode ever, unless they did them on AfterM*A*S*H!)
This episode is directed by Jamie Farr, who does a fine job (I particularly liked the final scene, as we see B.J. hopping double-time out the Swamp, to the tune of Winchester's classical music instead of the normal M*A*S*H closing theme). Of all of the show's final cast, only Loretta Swit and William Christopher never ended up going behind the camera.
Favorite Line: Winchester brags about his newly-arrived classical records. One is called Kindertotanlieter, aka "Songs for the Death of Children."
Not only is the look on Klinger's face, when he hears that grim title, priceless (it goes by in a flash) but it begins a runner of sorts of where different characters refer to the record--all in different, incorrect ways, none more funny than when B.J. calls it "The Dead Children's Glee Club."
Season 11, Episode 247: Say No More
Original Air Date: 1/24/83
Written by: John Rappaport
Directed by: Charles S. Dubin
Margaret, in anticipation on going to see a lecture by a doctor she respects, gives herself a home permanent. Unfortunately, she's still in the middle of the process when wounded arrive, and she has to go out onto the compound with a wet head.
The next morning, she finds she's lost her voice--the chill air and her wet head having given her an acute case of laryngitis. Winchester advises that she has a chance to regain her voice in time for the lecture in a few days, if, and only if, she doesn't utter a peep between now and then.
Meanwhile, Hawkeye deals with a patient whose father--a brusque general named Collins (John Anderson)--arrives and takes up residence at the 4077th to look after his son. Hawkeye assures the General that his son will be fine, but Collins refuses to leave, running his part of the war from his specially-made trailer.
After a day of trying to be a good nurse while not being able to talk, Margaret finally gives up, realizing she can't really do her job mute. She confides in Winchester that she made plans to see the doctor--named Chesler--privately, much to Winchester's amusement. She sadly asks Winchester to call Chesler and say she has to cancel, even though he's headed back for the States and this will be her only chance to see him.
In Post Op, the younger Collins seems to have some problems breathing, and Hawkeye checks up on him. He's betting that its a normal Post-operative reaction, but admits to his father that it could be something more serious--an embolism. General Collins curtly orders Hawkeye to keep him informed, while he goes on ordering troop movements and other duties of war.
Later, Hawkeye finds Collins in his trailer with some terrible news--his son has died. It was an embolism, so severe there wasn't anything anyone could do.
Collins is, of course, floored, and he tells a story about how his son wanted to follow in his footsteps, which he was initially against. But his son was so brave that he went ahead and volunteered to enlist anyway.
Hawkeye tries to comfort Collins, saying that while many of the patients he sees are a blur, "the special ones stand out"--like his son, whose only concern were his men, even though he was injured, too.
Collins thanks Hawkeye for this, admitting that he realizes that probably the only thing Hawkeye didn't like about the young soldier "was his old man."
Collins asks Hawkeye to share a drink with him, which Hawkeye agrees to. After their drink, Hawkeye departs the trailer, but not before he hears Collins resume his role as the barking general, issuing orders which will, inevitably, kill more young men like his son.
Meanwhile, Margaret, despondent over her missed rendevous, is thrilled when Dr. Chessler (James Karen) shows up at her door! Turns out that Winchester called the doctor, buttering him up with compliments that he said came from Margaret. Chesler, so impressed with Margaret's dedication, agreed to make a last-minute stop at the 4077th to visit her.
The next morning, Margaret thanks Winchester the only way she knows how since she still can't talk--with a big kiss.
Fun Facts: During the scene between Gen. Collins and Hawkeye, Collins calls Hawkeye "a son of a bitch." I believe M*A*S*H broke ground by using that taboo phrase for the first time in Season Eight's "Guerilla My Dreams", I wonder if any other show used it between that episode and this one? Three's Company, perhaps?
Actor James Karen, for many years, did local TV ads for the Pathmark chain of supermarkets. As a kid, I never knew Karen was an actor in anything other than those commercials until I saw him in this episode (he also appeared in Poltergeist, which came out the year before, but I was too young to see that in the theater!). If there was one M*A*S*H guest actor I could meet, of the hundreds that marched onto the 4077th set, it would be him.
Favorite Line: Hawkeye's gentle, exceedingly-polite response to Collins' admission that he knows Hawkeye probably didn't care for him too much: "Let's just say we see things differently."
Season 11, Episode 246: Strange Bedfellows
Original Air Date: 1/10/83
Written by: Karen Hall
Directed by: Mike Farrell
Col. Potter is excited over the upcoming visit of his son-in-law Bobby, who is on a working tour for the novelty company he works for.
While Hawkeye and B.J. deal with Winchester's allergy-induced bout of snoring, Potter is thrilled with Bobby (Dennis Dugan) arrives on schedule. They talk about how, initially, they didn't get along, but now they're fast friends. Bobby even calls Potter "Pop."
Bobby complains of being tired, and they meet up again in the O Club. But only after a few drinks, Bobby again talks of being tired, and heads off to bed.
Back in his office, Col. Potter takes a call from a hotel in Tokyo, looking for a Mr. Bob Wilson. When Potter says he's in the camp, the hotel mentions that Mrs. Wilson left her nightgown in the hotel room. Potter, stunned, hangs up the phone.
The next day, Potter is curt and stiff around Bob, who tries to make small talk. He senses something is wrong, but Potter won't let on. Later, Potter goes to visit Father Mulcahy, and vents, telling him he plans to call his daughter back home and tell him what's happened.
Father Mulcahy tries to counsel patience, advising Col. Potter that he talk to Bob first, before he does something rash that might end their marriage. Potter is shocked, and flashes some anger at Mulcahy, thinking he's been too lenient on his son-in-law. Furious, he storms out.
Later that night, Col. Potter calls his daughter, prepared to tell her the truth. But something stops him from doing so, and he pretends the call was just to say hello.
The next morning, Bob prepares to leave, with things still awkward between him and Col. Potter. But before he goes, Potter reveals he knows the truth, but in a surprising way--he tells him about one time when he "slipped up" and was unfaithful to Mildred, admitting that for a week afterward, he felt so bad he couldn't look her in the eye, and could never live with that kind of guilt again.
Bob comes clean, at first offering excuses, but then admitting that he knew what he was doing, even though he knew it was wrong. He promises it'll never happen again, and says that he truly loves his wife and son, and would never want to do anything to hurt them.
Col. Potter accepts this, and he hopes that Bob will always be a part of his family.
Fun Facts: Dennis Dugan previously appeared in Season Three's "Love and Marriage", where he also played a duplicitous creep. What was it about Dugan that M*A*S*H casting director's saw in him?
The scene where Col. Potter admits he once cheated on Mildred is a great scene--well-written and well-acted. But it troubles me a bit, because it means that every married male character on the show--Trapper, Henry, Frank, B.J., and Col. Potter--all cheated on their wives at least once.
I'm sure that servicemen cheating on their wives while they were stuck overseas was quite common, but it might have been nice if just one of M*A*S*H's regulars hadn't been revealed to have fallen off the fidelity wagon.
Favorite Line: Winchester tries to share his innermost feelings to Father Mulcahy--regarding his snoring. Acting as though this is greatest suffering any human has ever endured, Mulcahy just can't take it anymore, and admits, "Major, your attitude gives me the willies!"
Season 11, Episode 245: The U.N., The Night, and the Music
Original Air Date: 1/3/83
Written by: Elias Davis & David Pollock
Directed by: Harry Morgan
The 4077th is visited by three U.N. delegates--Capt. Ramurti Lal from the Indian Army (Kavi Raz), Dr. Randolph Kent from England(George Innes), and Per Johannsen from Sweden (Dennis Holahan). Upon meeting the three of them, Margaret takes an instant liking to the handsome stranger from Sweden.
With Johannsen and Lal staying in the VIP Tent, Dr. Kent stays in the Swamp, and Winchester takes an instant like to him, since he can sense that Kent is a man of class and refined taste.
Unfortunately for Winchester, Dr. Kent's tastes are a tad too refined: he thinks nothing of belittling Winchester's opinions, mocking his taste in wine, paintings, and vacation destinations. Instead of being insulted, Winchester keeps trying to curry Kent's approval.
Meanwhile, Johannsen has a private talk with Hawkeye, regarding Margaret's interest in him. He tells Hawkeye that normally he'd be thrilled at such attention, but he recently suffered a wound that left him impotent. Ashamed, he asks Hawkeye to run interference for him with Margaret. Hawkeye agrees, much to Margaret's sputtering fury, especially after he breaks up a party with just the two of them in the O Club.
Later, Margaret stops by Per's tent, on the pretense of apologizing for Hawkeye but really to try again with him. He nervously lets her in, but they quickly develop a rapport, making each other laugh and telling stories. The light mood is broken when Margaret makes a move on Per, which he awkwardly rejects.
Eventually, Per levels with her, and shares what's been troubling him. Margaret apologizes for putting Per in such a difficult position, and she immediately offers to stay and talk and get to know one another, an offer Per happily accepts.
Meanwhile, back at the Swamp, Winchester has had enough of Kent's derision, and finally lets him know that no matter how respected his family is, he's a snob.
This induces fits of laughter in Kent, who fesses up that his family isn't part of high society--rather, his parents are servants to an esteemed family, and Kent paid his way through medical school as the chauffeur. By their employment his family experienced all the finer things Winchester takes for granted.
Kent, immediately sensing Winchester's assumption, led him on, waiting for the right moment to point out to Winchester his ridiculous, arrogant notion that only people of breeding have any taste or class. He ends the discussion with "You've been outclassed by the son of a bloody butler!"
Winchester is insulted, and Hawkeye, overhearing all this from his cot, dissolves into hysterical laughter.
The next morning, all three of the U.N. reps depart, with Per and Margaret having spent a wonderful night together getting to know one another. They make plans to see each other again.
Meanwhile, Winchester suggests Kent drive the jeep, since, "After all, he's a professional."
Fun Facts: There's a B-plot about B.J. and his inability to level with a patient who has to have his leg removed. There's an amazing moment where the patient realizes what has happened, and even though he holds no grudge, it causes B.J. to shed a real tear, which we can see drip down Mike Farrell's cheek.
Favorite Line: Hawkeye, bored, has nothing to do but hang out in the Swamp, so he is stuck overhearing the Snob-Off between Winchester and Kent. When Winchester talks about the first time he drank a particularly good bottle of wine, he remarks, "It was at that point I no longer considered myself a virgin enophile."
Hawkeye, disgusted: "Good God."
I'm not doing the line justice--Alda delivers it with just the perfect amount of disgust and bewilderment, so much so I laugh every time I hear it.
Season 11, Episode 244: Run For The Money
Original Air Date: 12/20/82
Written by: Elias Davis & David Pollock and Mike Farrell
Directed by: Nell Cox
Klinger is excited over the prospect of yet another can't-fail, fool-proof scam: long-distance runner Jessie McFarland has been assigned to the 4077th, and will be arriving shortly.
His plan is to schedule a race against the 8063rd, who has a top-flight runner on camp. Klinger guesses that the 8063rd will think the 4077th is sure to lose, not knowing they've got McFarland on their staff.
Hawkeye and B.J. are initially not at all interested, tired of being caught up in another of Klinger's scams. But after Margaret goes along with the plan (to get revenge on the 8063rd's Head Nurse), they badger the doctors into going along with it.
After tending to some wounded engineers (including one who stutters, and is mocked by his comrades for it), McFarland arrives--except its Jessie McFarland Sr., an older, vastly overweight "tired old soldier." The runner in question is Jessie McFarland Jr.--a little detail Klinger missed.
During a mail delivery, Klinger tries to butter everyone up, but they remain furious at Klinger for roping them into this. The one person he doesn't have to schmooze is Winchester (who receives a tape-recorded letter from his sister Honoria in the mail), who tells Klinger not to worry because he didn't bet, and "I don't like you anyway."
Then Margaret hits on the idea to put up the one genuine runner they have in camp--Father Mulcahy. He turns them down at first, but after continued pressure he relents, and begins training.
While everyone is wrapped up with the race, Winchester is tending to the wounded engineers in Post Op. He catches wind of their commander, Captain Sweeney (Thomas Callaway), mocking the stuttering young man, Pvt. Palmer (Phil Brock) in front of everyone.
Winchester takes Capt. Sweeney outside, promising that if he hears one more unkind word towards Pvt. Palmer come from Sweeney's lips, he will personally writer a letter detailing Sweeney's inhumanity and have it placed in his personal file. Sweeney tries to protest, but Winchester cuts him off.
Later, the race between Mulcahy and the 8063rd's runner, Pvt. LeMasters (Mark Anderson) begins, and almost immediately Mulcahy falls behind.
In Post Op, Winchester takes Palmer to get some x-rays, but Palmer sees quickly that's a ruse. Winchester has a heart-to-heart talk with Palmer, trying to reassure him that just because he stutters, it doesn't mean Palmer isn't smart, something Palmer seems convinced of.
Winchester confides to the young man that he reads comics books like Palmer does, but says that Palmer is smart enough to tackle more complex literature--like Moby Dick, a leather-bound copy of which he gives to Palmer as a gift.
Palmer asks why Winchester is being so nice to him, but Winchester deflects the question and takes him back to Post Op. Later, we see Winchester sitting down in the Swamp, preparing to listen to the audio tape his sister sent him. We learn that Honoria stutters as well. As she goes on, we see a look of utter contentment on Winchester's face.
Meanwhile, the race between Mulcahy and LeMasters heads into the final stretch. Somehow, Mulcahy has managed to almost catch up, and then he passes LeMasters!
But just before he crosses the finish line, Mulcahy issues a demand: all the winnings go to the orphanage, or he'll let LeMasters win. Everyone agrees, and Mulcahy wins the race.
Later, Mulcahy reveals that LeMasters threw the race--during moments when he let Mulcahy catch up, he would make "chit-chat" about the poor starving orphans, which browbeat LeMasters so much he agreed to let Mulcahy win.
Fun Facts: I wrote a piece for my Hey Kids, Comics! blog centered around this episode, which you can read here.
The scene with Winchester listening to Honoria's audio tape is so sweet, so perfect, that its one of my all-time favorite moments of the series.
Favorite Line: Klinger, trying to convince Hawkeye and B.J. to go along with his scam: "Guys, I've been adding up some numbers."
B.J.: "Well, you'd better sit down, your fingers must be exhausted."
Season 11, Episode 243: The Moon Is Not Blue
Original Air Date: 12/13/82
Written by: Larry Balmagia
Directed by: Charles S. Dubin
The 4077th is undergoing a heat wave, and that makes the camp movie--Sahara--all the more unendurable, especially since its been shown every night for the past month.
Hawkeye and B.J. get so disgusted they confront the guy who delivers the movies--a nervous Corporal named Bannister (Sandy Helberg), but he says he has no pull over what movie is sent. That's the job of Major Frankenheimer, who Hawkeye and B.J. plan to visit personally.
To make matters worse, a General named Rothaker (Larry Ward), in Post Op recovering from a minor wound, bans all alcohol on in camp after he smelled beer on the breath of a corpsman. Potter tries to protest, but Rothaker is adamant.
Hawkeye and B.J. read an article in a newspaper about a supposedly explicit movie named The Moon is Blue, and they decide seeing the movie--banned in Boston--is just the thing they need to lift their spirits. Winchester tries to warn them not to get too excited ("In Boston they would've banned Pinocchio"), but they won't listen.
They go to visit Major Frankenheimer (Hamilton Camp), but he's oily and insincere, and he has no interest in helping them out. He laughs at the idea of getting them The Moon is Blue, but Hawkeye and B.J. get him to agree that if they can get their hands on a print, he'll ship it to them.
Before they leave, Hawkeye and B.J. do a favor for Bannister, who is a quivering mass around women. When he learns he has a blind date, he's too nervous to even contemplate it. Hawkeye and B.J. give Bannister a pill that increases confidence (actually just a sugar pill) so he'll be able to cal the girl and take her out.
Hawkeye and B.J., back at the 4077th, ask Klinger to pull some strings to see if he can get the movie. He owes them for giving him a cure for the excessive heat (the same sugar pills), and the next day he's managed to get a hold of The Moon is Blue!
Unfortunately, Major Frankenheimer is a lying skunk, and even though he has the movie in his hands, he refuses to send it to the 4077th, re-routing it to some generals. Instead, he's sending them State Fair!
Hawkeye and B.J. get an idea, and call Bannister. They ask him to switch the labels on the film cans for The Moon is Blue and State Fair, which Bannister readily agrees to.
That night, everyone is in the Mess Tent for the movie, with only Hawkeye and B.J. realizing what they'll really be seeing. Except, unbeknownst to them, Col. Potter made arrangements with Gen. Rothaker to pull some strings and get The Moon is Blue. Everyone is disappointed--and confused--when State Fair starts up instead.
Weeks later, the 4077th finally gets a hold of The Moon is Blue, but its a huge disappointment--its almost all talk, and not anywhere near as smutty as Hawkeye and B.J. hoped. B.J. complains, "There was more dirt in this morning's breakfast!"
Fun Facts: This is actor Hamilton Camp's second appearance on the show, having previously played Cpl. "Boots" Miller in Season Six's "Major Topper."
A clip of the 1945 version of State Fair is shown, which co-starred Harry Morgan. The episode also mentions High Noon, which also co-starred...Harry Morgan!
Favorite Line: Hawkeye and B.J. are disgusted how relatively clean The Moon is Blue is, despite all the hype.
Father Mulcahy: "One of the actors did say 'virgin.'"
Hawkeye, disgusted: "That's cause everyone was!"
Season 11, Episode 242: Settling Debts
Original Air Date: 12/6/82
Written by: Thad Mumford & Dan Wilcox
Directed by: Michael Switzer
Col. Potter notices that Hawkeye gets a letter from...Mrs. Potter?
He demands to know what it says, but Hawkeye refuses to say anything. This drives Col. Potter crazy, and he starts to think it involves his wife Mildred buying a houseboat, something he is dead-set against.
But its not a house-boat--Mildred wrote to Hawkeye to tell him that she has scrimped and saved, and managed to pay the mortgage off early. She's telling Hawkeye and the rest this so they can throw him a mortgage-burning party at the 4077th.
Everyone gets involved in the surprise party, and they try to keep Col. Potter busy and in the dark long enough to get it ready in his tent--cake, fake picket fence, and all. Being in the dark gets Potter furious, and his imagination runs away with him--he's convinced he's going to spend his retirement years on a damned houseboat!
He tries to place a call into Mildred, so Klinger has to keep stalling to keep the call from going through. Margaret comes up with a complicated plan for a new nurse shift rotation, which she shoves in Potter's face trying to keep him busy.
To Margaret's surprise, though, Potter likes the plan, and heads back to his tent. Then Father Mulcahy steps in, and gets Potter to go a few rounds with his punching bag, to relieve some stress.
Potter has finally had enough, and goes to his tent, where everyone is waiting for him. They explain what all the secrecy was about, and Potter is moved to tears over his friends efforts, and the idea that he and Mildred now own their home, lock, stock, and barrel.
Hawkeye and the rest give him a gift: an engraved lighter, which he uses to burn the mortgage.
Fun Facts: There's a B-plot in this episode a brave young lieutenant (Jeff East) who is gravely wounded by a North Korean sniper. Some of the lieutenant's men, who respect him immensely, plan to shoot the sniper in cold blood if their commander ends up paralyzed. The lieutenant, post-surgery, wakes up long enough to tell his men to stand down.
Favorite Line: Potter, enraged over the fact that Mildred bought the houseboat, starts throwing papers all over his office. In his rage, he grabs the framed portrait of Mildred--then Klinger stops him.
Klinger: "Don't do that, sir! You'll never forgive yourself!"
Potter, talking to the picture: "Lucky for you, he was here."
Season 11, Episode 241: Bombshells
Original Air Date: 11/28/82
Written by: Dan Wilcox & Thad Mumford
Directed by: Charles S. Dubin
B.J. is thrilled to have the day off, and plans to spend it with a chopper pliot friend fishing.
While on their way to the lake, they spot a wounded solider laying in the brush. They land, load him onto one of the pads, and head back home. But on the way back, they spot another wounded G.I. With no place to land, the chopper pilot has B.J. lower a rope down to the wounded man, and they'll carry him off to a clearer spot.
But the G.I. is too weak to get the rope around him securely, so B.J. prepares to climb down and do it. Just as he begins to get out, snipers start firing on the chopper. One bullet hits the oil cooler, sending black smoke spilling out. The pilot says that the extra weight is too much and they can't take off. He demands B.J. cut the rope, which B.J. protests, saying the young man will be killed if they leave him behind.
The pilot insists, saying they'll all be killed if they stay where they are. B.J., panicking, cuts the rope, and the wounded solider falls to the ground. The chopper takes off, and heads back to the 4077. B.J. is haunted by what he's done, and he tries to find out if any of the other wounded know who that young man was. But no one seems to know.
Before the chopper pilot leaves, he commends B.J. for trying to save the guy, telling him he put B.J. in for a medal. He tries calling I-Corps to find out if the 8063rd has reported any wounded matching the wounded soldier, but they are no help. Col. Potter asks B.J. about the medal, but B.J. is tight-lipped and only asks that Potter stop the medal from going forward, which Potter agrees to, a tad confused.
B.J. heads to the 8063rd himself to see if the young man is there, but he has no luck. He makes it back to the 4077th just in time to catch the giant welcoming celebration for Marilyn Monroe, who everyone believes is coming to visit. After its clear that Marilyn isn't coming, a visiting General (Gerald O'Laughlin) goes ahead with awarding B.J. with a medal for bravery. B.J. grimly accepts it, wandering off towards the Swamp after the party breaks up.
Hawkeye follows him, and B.J. admits how disgusted he is with himself: he has always considered himself anti-authority, anti-war, and "oh-so superior" to those "military fools who kill each other." But he realizes that, in that moment in the chopper, he was everything he thought he wasn't. Hawkeye tries to comfort him, but it doesn't work.
Hawkeye is called away by a patient, who miraculously recovers when he overheard that Marilyn Monroe was coming to the 4077th. B.J. gives the young man his Bronze Star, and when asked what he did to deserve the citation, B.J. says, "Its a little something we give you for getting out of here with your butt in one piece."
Fun Facts: The B-plot involving Marilyn Monroe supposedly visiting the 4077th gets started by Hawkeye and Winchester, and it quickly snowballs completely out of control. Hawkeye has a whole bit where he calls Marilyn's movie studio pretending to be Ted Williams, and has to rely on Winchester for faking he's from Massachusetts. A great bit of phone comedy, ala Bob Newhart.
Favorite Line: B.J.'s scene with Hawkeye, where he faces up to what he did, is fantastic. He mocks his and Hawkeye's superior attitude to all things military, and then concludes with: "Good luck, pal, I hope you can keep it up...the minute I cut that rope they made me a soldier."
Season 11, Episode 240: Who Knew?
Original Air Date: 11/22/82
Written by: Elias Davis & David Pollock
Directed by: Harry Morgan
Hawkeye returns to the Swamp in the middle of the night, waking B.J. as he brags about the great night he just had with a new nurse, Lt. Millie Carpenter.
The next morning, during breakfast in the Mess Tent, Col. Potter delivers some grim news: Lt. Millie Carpenter has been killed. Apparently, she went for a stroll in the hills, and stepped on a landmine. Everyone is shocked and saddened, but none of them volunteer to say "a few words" at Millie's memorial service.
Later, Hawkeye finds Father Mulcahy as he goes through Millie's personal items, looking for information about her to prepare the service. After making small talk, he volunteers to deliver Millie's eulogy.
He starts asking people in camp about Millie, but no one has much to say about her: Margaret can only say "she was a good nurse", and even her fellow nurses don't have much to add other than commenting that when Millie got sent a big box of fudge from home, she only gave her roommates one piece each.
Hawkeye grows so frustrated that he decides to give up trying to write a eulogy, turning the job back over to Father Mulcahy. But Mulcahy suggests he read Millie's diary, which he found among Millie's personal items.
Hawkeye takes it back to the Swamp and reads, and we hear Millie's words in a voice over. We learn that she felt a lot for Hawkeye, but never let on. She ends the diary mentioning she's going to go take a walk, the last thing she would ever do.
Hawkeye is deeply troubled over what he's read, knowing that he never would have let Millie get close, insistent as he is on keeping things casual. He's convinced that their relationship would have been the same at six months than it was after the first few dates.
The next day, Hawkeye delivers the eulogy, sharing a few facts about Millie: the big box of fudge that Millie was so stingy with was given out to the wounded in Post Op, during the night shift so no one ever saw what she was doing. Also, she bravely volunteered to work at a MASH because she was so in awe of the work everyone was doing.
Hawkeye decides to use this moment to learn something: to try and not be so reserved about his feelings, and to let people know what they mean to him--something Millie never got the chance to do.
Hawkeye singles out Margaret, Col. Potter, Father Mulcahy, Charles, Klinger, and "Beej", telling each of them how much he loves them. He ends with saying "Goodbye, Millie."
Fun Facts: There's a great moment between Hawkeye and B.J. where they talk about Millie's memorial service, where Hawkeye gently chides the pre-fab service Mulcahy would offer.
As good as the memorial scene is, I always thought it was a little awkward that Hawkeye singles out the show's main characters as those closest to him. Of course, that makes sense, but I wonder how the nurses in the audience that Hawkeye had slept with felt about being left out?
The actress providing Millie's voice in uncredited.
There's a B-plot involving Winchester and Klinger where he tries to get Winchester to invest in a new product, what will be come the hula hoop. After some initial interest, Winchester decides the whole thing is ridiculous and withdraws his investment.
Favorite Line: When Klinger shows Winchester his invention, the proto-hula hoop, Winchester is none-too-impressed: "My word--you have invented...the circle!" Hasn't Winchester seen The Hudsucker Proxy?
Season 11, Episode 239: The Joker Is Wild
Original Air Date: 11/15/82
Written by: John Rappaport and Dennis Keonig
Directed by: Burt Metcalfe
B.J. pulls a prank on Hawkeye in the Swamp, which Hawkeye thinks is utterly lame. He's not bothered by being the butt of a joke, just its tired premise. He brags about the classic jokes he and Trapper pulled, which seems to make B.J. a tad jealous.
B.J. pulls another tired gag on Margaret in the Mess Tent, and the discussion again turns to "the good old days", which inspires B.J. to surmise that Trapper was such a genius that he could pull a gag on everyone in the next 24 hours, with each victim having to do a striptease on top of a table while singing "You're The Tops."
Everyone wonders when B.J. is going to kick it off, but he demurs, saying he doesn't go in for that sort of thing--its only something the "legendary Trapper" could pull off.
The next day starts off with a prank being pulled on Winchester, followed quickly by one on Potter. This sets Hawkeye on edge, convinced that if he keeps his eye on B.J. he won't get gotten.
Soon after, Margaret, Father Mulcahy, and Klinger fall victim to B.J., too. The build-up of suspense drives Hawkeye nuts--he treats everyone he encounters like they are part of B.J.'s elaborate prank, even a visiting doctor from the 8063rd (Clyde Kusatsu), who thinks Hawkeye is completely insane.
Its gets so bad that Hawkeye can't even sleep, spending the night surrounded by a fence made of barbed wire, golf club in hand, twitching at every sound.
The next morning, everyone reconvenes in the Mess Tent, and a weathered, tired-looking Hawkeye is smug about not having been pranked by B.J.
Hawkeye lords it over B.J. so much that it inspires the rest of them to admit the real truth--none of them were actually pranked. It was all an elaborate ruse by B.J., designed to drive Hawkeye crazy--every single joke perpetuated on Winchester, Potter, et al, were all phony. As B.J. calls it, "The best joke was the joke that never came."
Hawkeye, admitting when he's been bested, climbs atop the Mess Tent table, drops his drawers, and sings "You're The Tops" at full blast. The doctor from the 8063rd happens by, and walks away shaking his head, utterly convinced Hawkeye is crazy.
The next morning, B.J. makes sure there are no hard feelings. Hawkeye says of course not, promising he'll "never tangle with the master again." The joke master, B.J., wakes up and we see Hawkeye has indeed gotten revenge--by shaving half of B.J.'s mustache off.
Fun Facts: This whole episode feels like a giant tribute to Wayne Rogers and/or Trapper John.
Since everyone at M*A*S*H knew this was the last season, I've always thought this episode was the series taking a moment to stop and pay homage (especially since Trapper is the only departed character not mentioned in the penultimate episode, "As Time Goes By").
Related to that, during the reminisces about Trapper in the Mess Tent, Hawkeye calls Trapper "A man of ahead of his time." He turns to Margaret, asking, "Right, Margaret?" to which she replies, "He was a ridiculous, juvenile child." Hawkeye, proud of the response, says, "See?"
Actor Clyde Kusatsu previously appeared in Season Eight's "Goodbye Cruel World", as well as Season Two's "Henry in Love" and "Officers Only."
Favorite Line: In an episode with many funny lines, nothing, but nothing, beats Hawkeye's prank on B.J. at the very end of the episode, pictured above. That one shot of B.J. with half a mustache (with Hawkeye silently losing it in the background, gleeful of pulling the joke off) remains one of my all-time favorite M*A*S*H moments. (And, in its own way, is yet another reference to days gone by)
Season 11, Episode 238: Foreign Affairs
Original Air Date: 11/8/82
Written by: David Pollock & Elias Davis
Directed by: Charles S. Dubin
A French Red Cross volunteer named Martine LeClerc (Melinda Mullins) arrives in camp to visit some the wounded. Everyone takes a shine to her, none more so than Winchester, who seems immediately smitten.
Later that night, Margaret and Martine share drinks in the O Club, and Hawkeye immediately tries an all-art charm offensive on Martine. She's polite, but seems indifferent to his advances.
She is much more receptive to Winchester, whose class and intelligence immediately charms her. They quickly bond over their mutual love of all things French, leaving Margaret out of the loop. After a few awkward moments, she excuses herself leaving the two of them alone.
Winchester and Martine stay up all night talking, into the morning. Martine admits to a love of Spike Jones, which inspires Winchester to loosen up and admit something silliness he secretly loves: Tom & Jerry cartoons.
Everyone takes notice of the two of them, with Hawkeye and B.J. being kept busy with their own dilemma: one of their patients, a North Korean, is being bribed by an oily PR man (Jeffrey Tambor) to become a turncoat and come to America as a way to "sell" the war to the people back home. The North Korean flatly isn't interested, but the PR man won't take no for an answer.
Over the next couple of days, Winchester and Martine's relationship continues to deepen, and Winchester admits he feels as much for Martine as he has felt for anyone in his entire life. Martine admits that she, too, has never felt this way since the death of her beloved Robert. Sharing a bottle of wine in her tent, Winchester and Martine spend the night together.
The next day, the two of them go on a picnic, and Martine mentions the one time she posed nude for a painting. When Winchester innocently asks whether her husband Robert minded that, she says since they were never married, there wasn't any sort of jealousy.
As she continues her story, Winchester is thrown--he's getting a better sense of how "bohemian" (as he puts it) Martine is. While Martine talks of meeting his family, Winchester is deeply upset.
The next night, in the O Club, Winchester is cold and distant to Martine, and she's confused as to the change in his behavior. Back in the Swamp, they talk about it, and Winchester says his family is very conservative (in both definitions of that word) and would never be able to accept Martine's free-thinking ways.
Martine says what matters is whether he can accept her, not his family. He admits that, deep down, he cannot. Deeply saddened, she points out that she's even more sad for him. When Winchester asks why, she mentions that she wasn't attracted to Hawkeye because "He was too much the little boy", but now she sees that Winchester "is not enough of one."
She gets up to leave, planting a last gentle kiss on his lips before departing.
Fun Facts: Another installment of The Young Sherman Potter Adventures: he mentions a young mademoiselle he knew--seemingly intimately--back during WWI.
This is actor Soon-Tek Oh's final appearance on the series--he plays a South Korean translator helping the PR man get his message across to his would-be turncoat.
There's a great moment where, as Winchester leaves Martine in the O Club, he runs into Hawkeye and B.J. who goof on him for doing so. Without a trace of humor, Winchester spits out "Shut up" before blowing past them.
Favorite Line: The doctors are talking about the Winchester/Martine romance, and Potter observes: "That joie de vivre of her might be just the thing to oil his hinges."
