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Season 11, Episode 251: Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen
Original Air Date: 2/28/83
Written by: Alan Alda, Burt Metcalfe, John Rappaport, Dan Wilcox & Thad Mumford, Elias Davis & David Pollock, Karen Hall
Directed by: Alan Alda
This episode opens in a location we've never seen--the Army psychiatric hospital where Sidney Freedman works. We find him in the middle of a session with a patient, except the patient is...Hawkeye.
Sidney is trying to get to the bottom of something that happened involving a trip most of the camp took to the beach. But Hawkeye is in no mood to talk--all he's interested in is getting out, pronto. When everyone back at the 4077th calls him to lift his spirits, that's all he talks about to them, as well.
There's rumors of the peace talks progressing, to the point of ending the war once and for all. Margaret seems so confident that she starts planning what she's going to be doing after the war, which initially involves her working at an administrative post in Tokyo.
She tries to share her good news with Winchester, who is less than interested--partly because he's learned that his application to be Chief of Thoracic Surgery in Boston may be turned down, but mostly because he's suffering from a stomach ailment, causing an acute bout of intestinal distress.
All this is tabled when a tank comes tearing onto the compound, flailing wildly, eventually crashing into the Latrine, causing Winchester to wander off, panicked.
Margaret begins to berate the tank driver, but when he emerges from it, she sees he's severely wounded. Soon, she is assisting Col. Potter in OR working on the young man.
Meanwhile, the construction of the new Latrine is going so slowly (what would you expect, with Igor in charge?) that Winchester is forced to use, as Col. Potter so delicately puts it, "The ravine latrine."
Left with no other options, Winchester heads out into the woods, where he runs into five North Korean soldiers. He begs for mercy, until he sees what they are carrying aren't guns, but...musical instruments. "By God, they're musicians", he says to himself, astonished. They follow Winchester back to the 4077th, looking to turn themselves in.
Back at the hospital, Sidney and Hawkeye continue to talk, and Hawkeye admits that on the bus they took home, there was a wounded solider. Sidney wonders why Hawkeye didn't mention this before, but Hawkeye has no answers.
Meanwhile, Margaret has Klinger write a telegram to an old friend back at Boston Hospital, looking to help Winchester land his dream job. She's interrupted by Soon Lee, who needs Klinger's help in finding her still-missing parents. They are both interrupted by Col. Potter, who demands Klinger call I-Corps to get help removing the giant tank, still in the middle of the compound.
Winchester, back at the Swamp, tries to listen to some classical music. Its drowned out by the North Korean musicians, and when he demands they stop, they surprise him by playing some Mozart. They're so good it stops Winchester in his tracks, stunned, unable to move even as wounded arrive.
A few days later, B.J. gets a surprise letter from I-Corps--orders to head home! He tells Col. Potter, who thinks it must be some sort of snafu. B.J., afraid to ask I-Corps any further questions, begs to let go. Potter makes him a deal--if B.J. can find a replacement, then he's free to go.
Suddenly, artillery starts to fall, and everyone hides under the tables in the Mess Tent. Unfortunately, all the P.O.W.s imprisoned in the makeshift cell in the compound are sitting ducks. As the bombs get closer, Father Mulcahy runs outside to free them.
He succeeds, but he's too close when one bomb hits, knocking Mulcahy to the ground. Later, B.J. examines him, and Mulcahy learns he's damaged a part of his inner ear. Which, B.J. warns, might lead to Mulcahy losing his hearing completely. Mulcahy, scared to be sent home (and unwilling to leave the orphans "in the lurch"), makes B.J. promise not to tell anyone else.
Meanwhile, Hawkeye starts to slowly reveal what happened that night on the bus--he tells Sidney they came across a North Korean patrol, so they had to turn off the lights and be completely quiet until they pass. Everyone does so, except for a squawking chicken sitting on the lap of a Korean woman. She unable to keep it quiet, endangering everyone's lives.
Back at the 4077th, Soon Lee is determined to keep searching for her parents, even in dangerous areas. Klinger tries to talk her out of it, but she won't listen. Meanwhile, B.J. keeps pestering him to find a replacement surgeon so he can go home.
A day or so later, B.J. comes to visit Hawkeye, but its tense and awkward. B.J. obliquely mentions going home, but when it sets Hawkeye off he clams up about his orders home. When B.J. mentions his daughter Erin, it sends Hawkeye into a raving talking jag, which unnerves B.J. so much he gets Sidney.
Sidney starts an impromptu session, and B.J. departs, but not before awkwardly saying goodbye--realizing it might be the last time he ever sees him.
Sidney and Hawkeye talk, and it eventually comes back to talking about the bus and the chicken. Hawkeye reveals that the woman smothered the chicken to keep it quiet, reducing Hawkeye to anguished tears.
Sidney at first can't understand why this upsets Hawkeye so, until he reveals it wasn't a chicken the woman smothered...it was her own baby. The woman smothered her own baby to save everyone else's life.
Hawkeye is angry and disgusted that Sidney drew that memory out of him, but Sidney says this is good news: "Now we're halfway home."
A couple of days later, Hawkeye assumes he's heading home, but Sidney has disappointing news: he's going back to the 4077th. Hawkeye crumples up the letter to his father telling him he's coming home, tossing it away.
Back at the 4077th, Klinger arranges a flight for B.J. home, having scheduled a replacement surgeon--a Dr. Arnie Jacobsen--to arrive the next day. A chopper arrives, delivering mail. When he mentions he's headed to Kimpo, B.J. bums a ride with him--even though that means he has to leave in five minutes.
With so little time, B.J. only has the chance to give everyone a cursory goodbye. He tries to write a letter to Hawkeye, but can't think of what to say. He finally asks Margaret to talk to Hawkeye for him. Margaret tearfully hugs B.J. goodbye.
Potter watches as B.J.'s boards the chopper, just as Klinger finds him, telling him that I-Corps has rescinded B.J.'s orders. Potter pretends not to hear this, and watches B.J. depart.
As Hawkeye makes his way back to the 4077th, we watch Winchester train his North Korean musicians in the art of classical music, Klinger continue to try and help Soon Lee find her parents, and Margaret accept another offer as to what she's going to do after the war is over.
Wounded arrive just as Hawkeye returns, and he is floored to hear B.J. has left for home. His replacement, Capt. Jacobsen, hasn't arrived either, meaning the 4077th is short handed.
Hawkeye is slow to get back to the old routine. Margaret asks what's wrong, and Hawkeye asks "What could be wrong? I'm about to stick my hands into a kid whose insides look like raw meat loaf, I found out my best friend went home without leaving me so much as a damn note..."
Margaret interrupts, apologizing for B.J., saying how bad he felt about doing that, but Hawkeye cuts her off: "Trapper left without leaving a note, too...is it the war that stinks, or me?"
After the long session in OR, bombs start to fall again. After hiding in a sandbag-fortified Post Op, Hawkeye has had enough--he bolts out onto the compound, ducking artillery blasts. He jumps into the tank, and drives it off into the camp garbage dump, a mile or two away. He returns to the compound to a round of applause...except from Col. Potter and Margaret, who think they need to put in a call to Sidney.
Meanwhile, Soon Lee has taken off to search for her parents, into dangerous areas. Klinger finds her, and promises he will help her find her parents, no matter what. Soon Lee agrees, and heads back to the 4077th with him.
That night, Col. Potter and Klinger spy a fiery glow coming from the hills. Klinger thinks its the sunset, but Potter realizes they're looking east, not west--its a massive forest fire, started by all the falling artillery.
This causes the 4077th to bug out, and move the whole camp down the road. Once they get there, they are met by their new surgeon--B.J.
Turns out that once I-Corps realized their error, they found B.J. in an airport in Guam, and sent him right back to Korea. As frustrated as he is, he's happy to see Hawkeye back. He apologizes to Hawkeye for not leaving a note, but Hawkeye gives him a sarcastic reply.
That night, Klinger reveals his deep feelings for Soon Lee, and asks her to marry him. She accepts, but mentions that she can't leave Korea until she finds her parents. Even after Klinger responds "that could be months...years", she remains adamant. At an impasse, Klinger departs.
The next day, the camp has a picnic for the kids in the local orphanage, and Sidney arrives to talk to Hawkeye. Hawkeye admits to being terrified to perform surgery again.
A few days later, Winchester's North Korean musicians are shipped out, over his protestations. With a truce seemingly near, all the POWs are being shipped out. Winchester, sad but accepting, watches the truck they're in depart down the road, as the five musicians play Mozart, the sound getting quieter and quieter.
Heading back to the Swamp, Winchester is stopped in his tracks when the P.A. makes an announcement: the truce has been signed, hostilities will end in 12 hours: "The war is over!"
Just as everyone breaks into hysterical cheers, wounded arrive, snapping the 4077th back to work. Amid the chaos, Potter announces I-Corps wants them back to their original location, with the bug out commencing after the session in OR.
Making their way back, everyone is sad to see their former home burnt to a crisp, with the metal hospital left charred and stained. Potter takes a look around, and then announces, "Okay, boys and girls...let's go to work."
The next day, everyone goes through their last OR session, where they talk about what the first thing is they want when they get home. They are discouraged as they listen to reporter Robert Pierpoint give the sad totals of the war--how many dead, how many wounded, how many left homeless, how much money spent.
During a break, Hawkeye and B.J. talk in the Mess Tent, where Hawkeye admits the only thing he's going to miss about the 4077th is B.J. B.J. promises to keep in contact, "One year Peg and I will come east", but his tone underlines the uncertainty they both feel about ever seeing each other again.
Hawkeye mocks B.J. a bit over this, trying to get him to actually say the word "goodbye." B.J. refuses, and walks off.
More wounded arrive, and Winchester does triage. He is stunned when he sees one of the wounded--who is inevitably going to die from his injuries--is one of the North Korean musicians. He asks what happened to the rest, but is grimly told the one lying before him, "Is the only one that made it this far."
Crushed, he wanders into the Swamp and puts on some Mozart. He listens to it for a few seconds, then angrily grabs the record, smashing it into pieces.
As the session in OR continues, Sidney quietly follows asks how Hawkeye is doing. When Hawkeye feels confident enough to work on a small wounded child, Sidney knows Hawkeye will be fine.
As he makes his exit, he says goodbye to everyone. He stops at the door, turns, and says, "You know I told you people something a long time ago, and its just as pertinent today as it was then: ladies and gentlemen, take my advice--pull down your pants, and slide on the ice." With that, Sidney Freedman departs.
Moments later, the official end of the war is heard when the guns go silent. Robert Pierpoint announces: "There it is--that's the sound of Peace." Everyone pauses for a moment, then goes back to work.
The next night--the last night they'll have together--the 4077th holds a huge dinner in the Mess Tent to announce what each of them will be doing once they get home.
Col. Potter goes first, saying he'll be a semi-retired country doctor, but most of the time, he'll be "Mrs. Potter's Mr. Potter." Kellye follows, saying she's found a position in a hospital back home in Honolulu.
Rizzo announces his plans to breed frogs for french restaurants, much to everyone's hysterics. Hawkeye follows, planning to return to Crabapple Cove, and having the time to talk to his patients, and "get to know them." Igor plans to be a pig farmer, to which Rizzo asks, "What do you mean, 'gonna be'?"
Nurse Bigelow, after being a nurse at the tail end of WWII, and then Korea, quietly admits, "You know something? I've had it."
Potter asks Winchester, who initially gives a bloodless answer about being Chief of Thoracic Surgery, so his life "Will go on pretty much as I expected." He begins to sit down, but then stops, admitting, "For me, music was always a refuge from this miserable experience...now it will always be a...reminder."
Margaret announces she's worked through a number of offers, but has decided to work in the States, in a hospital. She tearfully thanks her nurses for their superb work.
Klinger is last, and he announces that he and Soon Lee are getting married! He then points out the one problem is that she won't leave until she finds her parents. So, he admits, "I don't believe I'm saying this...I'm staying in Korea." Everyone erupts into stunned laughter. The evening ends with a toast to the new couple, everyone clinking their glasses in succession.
The next morning, Father Mulcahy performs the marriage ceremony, with Col. Potter as Best Man. As Klinger and Soon Lee climb into their "limo" (a horse-drawn cart), Klinger says goodbye to all his friends. B.J. has him sign a picture of himself in his Scarlett O'Hara gown, because, when he tells Erin about his experiences, "There's just some things she's just not going to believe."
After tearfully saying goodbye to Col. Potter, Soon Lee throws her bouquet, right into the arms of...Margaret.
The nurses head off to the 8063rd, but not before Kellye and some of the others grab their hometown markers from the camp signpost.
Father Mulcahy then leaves, still trying to keep his hearing loss a secret. Hawkeye tells him a joke, but he can't hear it, so after B.J. giving him silent instructions, he fakes a laugh. As he climbs into his ambulance, he waves and says, "Goodbye everybody...I'll pray for you."
Winchester, originally scheduled to depart with Margaret in a jeep, finds there is no room left since she has filled it with her belongings. Winchester kisses her hand goodbye, and Col. Potter kisses her on the head, just as a father would do. She and Hawkeye stare at one another for a moment, awkwardly trying to figure out what to say.
They finally embrace, and share a long--really long--passionate kiss. After they finish, Hawkeye simply says, "Well, so long", to which Margaret replies, "See ya." She watches them all as her jeep leaves the camp.
Just before Winchester leaves in--of all things--a garbage truck, they watch the Swamp be collapsed, forever. Hawkeye expresses sympathy for all the homeless rats, but Winchester assures him "Don't worry, you'll find somewhere to go."
He compliments Col. Potter's skills as a commander, and sarcastically says goodbye to Hawkeye and B.J. Climbing into the junky garbage truck, he bows slightly, and says, "Gentlemen." With that, he departs.
Before Col. Potter climbs on Sophie, he thanks Hawkeye and B.J. for always making him laugh, telling them there were times when, as commander, he had to pretend he was mad at them, but "Inside, I was laughing to beat all hell."
Hawkeye and B.J., teary-eyed, tell their former commander they have a gift for him--a honest, no-nonsense military salute. Col. Potter tearfully returns the gesture of respect, and rides off on his steed.
Hawkeye and B.J. begin an awkward goodbye on the compound, but when they hear Hawkeye's chopper arrive B.J. offers him a ride up to the chopper pad.
Once they make it there, they say goodbye, admitting how much they will miss one another. After recalling some great times together, they hug. Hawkeye climbs into the chopper, and B.J. starts his motorcycle.
He yells to Hawkeye, saying "I'll see you back in the States--I promise! But just in case, I left you a note", pointing to something off in the distance.
Hawkeye, confused, yells, "What?!?" but B.J. doesn't answer. He simply waves goodbye, and drives off.
Hawkeye's chopper begins to lift off, and he looks around for what his friend was talking about. He smiles when he sees, on one of the lower chopper pads, a note B.J. has left for him, spelled out in stones: "Goodbye."
Cracking a grin, Hawkeye looks out one last time over the camp, now mostly deserted and consisting of empty building frames. He then leans back into his seat, looking at peace.
The last shot we see is of Hawkeye's chopper, headed off into the distance:
Fun Facts: This episode still holds the record, almost 27 years later, as the most watched series episode TV history, with over 106 million viewers. Considering how fragmented TV is now, its a safe bet that's a record that will never be broken.
This is the series' longest episode, and the only one to feature an on-screen title.
I have so many comments and/or questions relating to this episode, I hardly know where to begin, and we don't have room for them all here. So here's a few:
Question: Why can't Col. Potter take Sophie with him? He lives in Missouri, not Manhattan. As an animal lover since I was small, the idea that Col. Potter left Sophie behind was really heartbreaking to me. Maybe it was to give Harry Morgan some bit of a storyline, since, of all the characters, he undergoes the least change in this episode?
Comment: I love Hawkeye bringing up Trapper not leaving a note when he left, even after all this time. Hawkeye as a character was always more insecure than B.J., so that line really gives you the sense that Hawkeye is still smarting from that perceived slight.
Question: All the characters get to say goodbye to each other in the final scene, except for Margaret and Father Mulcahy, who will see each other again at the 8063rd. Why was this? Just one goodbye moment too many?
Comment: I love the moment with Enid Kent as Nurse Bigelow in the banquet scene. Most everyone is chipper and happy now that the war's over, and looking forward to the next chapter of their lives. But Nurse Bigelow is just sick of war, sick of the death. This was the character's finest moment in the series.
Comment: This episode was filmed at the beginning of the year, before most of the other Season Eleven episodes. How weird must have that been for the actors, to play these heartfelt, tearful goodbye scenes, and then go and film more shows?
Favorite Line: How do I pick a favorite line from this monumental, literally historic episode?
There aren't that many funny lines, which is to be expected, since this episode is so inherently dramatic. So I'm going to pick two lines, one funny, one serious.
The laugh line: When, after Hawkeye finishes another rant mentioning a bus, Sidney repeats back to him: "Chickens take the bus?"
Hawkeye, aggravated to no end: "Again with the bus? Why don't you subscribe to Arizona Highways and leave me alone?"
Now for the serious: during Hawkeye and B.J.'s final scene, there are many great, heartfelt lines, but I think B.J.'s line "I can't imagine what this place would have been like if I hadn't found you here" hits me the most.
As a kid, I was, as you might imagine from someone who spends so much time blogging about comic book superheroes, horror magazines, and TV shows, not a very "macho" kid. I didn't like to play sports, and when I did I was awful. I felt like I didn't fit in and so many of the things that boys my age were into I was completely indifferent to.
I was a sensitive kid, and of course any kid who was interested in anything less than punching another kid in the face was called "gay", or a host of other terms meant to wound.
Not to over-dramatize this, but I clearly remember watching the final episode, as it aired. I was in the 6th grade, and it was revelatory to me, to watch two men express their fondness--oh hell, love--for one another so openly. Hawkeye and B.J. were two people I aspired to be like--they were smart, confident, compassionate, funny--and if they could be so open with who they were, maybe I could be, too.
So...is this the end of the blog? Well, yes and no. I have a bunch of other related posts to get to in the next week or two, so please join me for those.
But after that, yes, my look back at M*A*S*H will end and this blog will cease. Had any episodes of After M*A*S*H been available, in any format, I might have considered taking a look at that series, too--I haven't seen any of them since they first aired, and I'd love to revisit the show and see how it plays now (I really can't believe, with all the TV shows that have been put on DVD, that After M*A*S*H is still languishing in limbo).
Be back tomorrow!
Season 11, Episode 248: Friends and Enemies
Original Air Date: 2/7/83
Written by: Karen Hall
Directed by: Jamie Farr
Wounded arrive, and one of them is an old friend of Col. Potter's, Col. Woody Cooke (John McLiam), who was shuffling papers back at I-Corps the last time Potter saw him.
In Post Op, a couple of wounded G.I.s mention that Col. Cooke showed up on the front lines, unannounced and unwelcome, and started issuing bizarre and downright dangerous orders. Even after artillery started falling, Cooke wouldn't budge, leading to a bunch of them getting hit.
Meanwhile, B.J., stuck in the Swamp due to an ingrown toenail, is being driven mad by his inability get away from Winchester's dreadfully grim classical records. He even goes so far as to file down Winchester's phonograph needle, forcing him to turn to Margaret, who just received a new record player--but no records.
Hawkeye goes to Col. Potter to tell him about what the wounded men said, but Potter gets enraged, calling them "wet behind the ears" and even accusing Hawkeye of being that, too. Hawkeye tries to talk some sense into him, but Potter is having none of it, ordering Hawkeye out of his tent.
The next day, Potter and Woody share a drink in his tent, and Potter gently tries to draw some information about what happened at the front, but Woody insists he was the only one there who knew what he was doing.
Potter does some looking into it, via the wounded soldiers' POV. One of them, a Sergeant named Zurilli (Jim Lefebvre), tells Potter that even though his CO told the Sergeant to stay away from a particular hill, Woody showed up and countermanded those orders.
Potter asks why Zurilli didn't mention this to his CO, but he was sure it would just get covered up by one of Cooke's friends. When asked why he didn't mention it when he got to the 4077th, Zurilli answers, "Same reason, sir."
Potter, now convinced, finds Hawkeye in the O Club and apologizes, downing a stiff drink in anticipation over what he has to do his old friend.
Back in his tent, over a game of checkers, Potter tells Woody what he knows and that its going to go in the report he has to file with I-Corps. Woody protests, then begs, but Potter says he's not willing to let one more young man get hurt by allowing Woody back on the line. Woody, furious, claims their friendship is over, and wheels himself out of Potter's tent.
Later, Potter finds Hawkeye on the compound, and they walk to the O Club to get a drink--just in time to see B.J. burst out the door of the Swamp, hopping like mad to get away from Winchester's music, now playing at full blast from Margaret's record player.
Fun Facts: Over 251 episodes, any show of that long a run is going to repeat plots occasionally. This episode is probably the single most obvious example--Col. Potter had the exact same problem with an old friend in Season Five's "Ping Pong."
This is this season's "Angry Potter" episode, although that element of the show is the shortest of them all this time around--basically lasting only two brief scenes. (Its the last "Angry Potter" episode ever, unless they did them on AfterM*A*S*H!)
This episode is directed by Jamie Farr, who does a fine job (I particularly liked the final scene, as we see B.J. hopping double-time out the Swamp, to the tune of Winchester's classical music instead of the normal M*A*S*H closing theme). Of all of the show's final cast, only Loretta Swit and William Christopher never ended up going behind the camera.
Favorite Line: Winchester brags about his newly-arrived classical records. One is called Kindertotanlieter, aka "Songs for the Death of Children."
Not only is the look on Klinger's face, when he hears that grim title, priceless (it goes by in a flash) but it begins a runner of sorts of where different characters refer to the record--all in different, incorrect ways, none more funny than when B.J. calls it "The Dead Children's Glee Club."
Season 11, Episode 246: Strange Bedfellows
Original Air Date: 1/10/83
Written by: Karen Hall
Directed by: Mike Farrell
Col. Potter is excited over the upcoming visit of his son-in-law Bobby, who is on a working tour for the novelty company he works for.
While Hawkeye and B.J. deal with Winchester's allergy-induced bout of snoring, Potter is thrilled with Bobby (Dennis Dugan) arrives on schedule. They talk about how, initially, they didn't get along, but now they're fast friends. Bobby even calls Potter "Pop."
Bobby complains of being tired, and they meet up again in the O Club. But only after a few drinks, Bobby again talks of being tired, and heads off to bed.
Back in his office, Col. Potter takes a call from a hotel in Tokyo, looking for a Mr. Bob Wilson. When Potter says he's in the camp, the hotel mentions that Mrs. Wilson left her nightgown in the hotel room. Potter, stunned, hangs up the phone.
The next day, Potter is curt and stiff around Bob, who tries to make small talk. He senses something is wrong, but Potter won't let on. Later, Potter goes to visit Father Mulcahy, and vents, telling him he plans to call his daughter back home and tell him what's happened.
Father Mulcahy tries to counsel patience, advising Col. Potter that he talk to Bob first, before he does something rash that might end their marriage. Potter is shocked, and flashes some anger at Mulcahy, thinking he's been too lenient on his son-in-law. Furious, he storms out.
Later that night, Col. Potter calls his daughter, prepared to tell her the truth. But something stops him from doing so, and he pretends the call was just to say hello.
The next morning, Bob prepares to leave, with things still awkward between him and Col. Potter. But before he goes, Potter reveals he knows the truth, but in a surprising way--he tells him about one time when he "slipped up" and was unfaithful to Mildred, admitting that for a week afterward, he felt so bad he couldn't look her in the eye, and could never live with that kind of guilt again.
Bob comes clean, at first offering excuses, but then admitting that he knew what he was doing, even though he knew it was wrong. He promises it'll never happen again, and says that he truly loves his wife and son, and would never want to do anything to hurt them.
Col. Potter accepts this, and he hopes that Bob will always be a part of his family.
Fun Facts: Dennis Dugan previously appeared in Season Three's "Love and Marriage", where he also played a duplicitous creep. What was it about Dugan that M*A*S*H casting director's saw in him?
The scene where Col. Potter admits he once cheated on Mildred is a great scene--well-written and well-acted. But it troubles me a bit, because it means that every married male character on the show--Trapper, Henry, Frank, B.J., and Col. Potter--all cheated on their wives at least once.
I'm sure that servicemen cheating on their wives while they were stuck overseas was quite common, but it might have been nice if just one of M*A*S*H's regulars hadn't been revealed to have fallen off the fidelity wagon.
Favorite Line: Winchester tries to share his innermost feelings to Father Mulcahy--regarding his snoring. Acting as though this is greatest suffering any human has ever endured, Mulcahy just can't take it anymore, and admits, "Major, your attitude gives me the willies!"
Season 11, Episode 236: Hey, Look Me Over
Original Air Date: 10/25/82
Written by: Alan Alda and Karen Hall
Directed by: Susan Oliver
With the threat of a Chinese invasion, the Army has moved the nurses out of the 4077th, leaving just the men. This quickly turns the place into a shambles--the place is a mess, equipment is lying all over the place, and the doctors are left with people like the hapless Igor to assist them in surgery.
Luckily for them, the Chinese have retreated, and the nurses are brought back, where they are treated like returning heroes. Everyone is happy, except for Margaret, who is furious when she learns that she and the nursing staff are expecting an inspection from the dreaded Col. Buckholtz in just five days.
Margaret rounds up the nurses--taking them away from their welcome home party--and heads into the OR. They are shocked speechless by the shambles left behind by the men, and Margaret barges into Potter's tent and demands to know how this could've happened.
The next day, the doctors have been drafted to help out, but they aren't much help. Hawkeye in particular is focused on trying to romance a nurse, seemingly any nurse that will respond to his come-on line. He's rejected by several of them, but is oblivious when Nurse Kellye hints that his line would work on her.
That night, the welcome home party is kicked off, and all of the nurses go except for Kellye, who glumly volunteers to finish up some last details. She even finishes the one task Hawkeye was assigned--to fix the Autoclave.
Later, in the O Club, Hawkeye tries putting the moves on various nurses, but still gets nowhere. Kellye is there, and she asks Hawkeye to dance, which he accepts. They dance the Lindy, but when it ends and a slow song comes on, Hawkeye awkwardly walks away, asking instead to buy Kellye a drink.
At the bar, they begin to talk, but within a few moments Hawkeye gets distracted by a nearby nurse, completely ignoring Kellye--so much so she wanders out of the O Club without him even noticing.
The next day, Col. Buckholtz (Peggy Feury) arrives, driving Margaret crazy with her stern and exacting manner. As good and sharp as Margaret is, its still not quite good enough for Buckholtz.
Hawkeye makes a joke about Buckholtz's manner, but Kellye snaps at him to be quiet. B.J. makes a similar joke, which Kellye responds to. Hawkeye notices this, and asks what the problem is.
They go out into Klinger's office and have it out--Kellye tells Hawkeye how hurt she is by his inattention, and how that over the years he's never taken notice of her, just because "I'm not 5 foot 9 with long blond hair and a nose you could fit into a bottlecap!"
Hawkeye, stunned, apologizes, but its clear Kellye is very hurt. Margaret--afraid Buckholtz will overhear the tumult--breaks it up, ordering Kellye to go with Buckholtz's aid (Gary Grubs) to inspect the supplies.
In the Mess Tent, Margaret sits with B.J. and Winchester, complaining about Buckholtz. B.J. and Winchester are sympathetic, but point out that what Buckholtz does to Margaret, Margaret does to the nurses, and look how that makes her feel. Margaret objects, but changes her mind when she overhears two nurses complaining about Buckholtz, saying, "She's almost as bad as Houlihan!"
In Post Op, Hawkeye watches as Kellye cares for a dying solider, holding his hand and being with him during his last few moments, putting him at ease. By the time he does, Kellye's eyes are filled with tears.
Later, Hawkeye visits the Nurses Tent, flowers in hand. Kellye assumes that whoever Hawkeye is there for, "she's not here."
Hawkeye says he's there to see her, and he apologizes, saying she was right--he never did really see her, even though they've worked together for so long. She thanks him, but can't ask him in, because--she's on a date with Buckholtz's aid, Lt. Geyer!
Margaret runs into one of her nurses who is working late into the night, correcting things pointed out by Buckholtz. Margaret tells her to forget all that, and take the rest of the night off.
Days later, Margaret finds out she passed the inspection, and has a drink to celebrate. Hawkeye puts on a slow song on the jukebox, then walks over to Kellye. He silently points to her cheek, then to his, and they get up and dance together.
Fun Facts: What an extraordinary opportunity this must have been for actress Kellye Nakahara--its almost unprecedented for a show to take a longtime supporting character and give them such a showcase. And Ms. Nakahara makes the most of it, delivering a great performance.
This is the first episode of the Eleventh, and final, season.
Favorite Line: After Hawkeye awkwardly refuses to dance a slow dance with Kellye, he offers her a drink instead.
She says, "Oh, I don't know, I'm a big drinker--something light." The bartender asks, "Want another Scotch on the Rocks?", to which Kellye tersely responds: "That'll be fine."
Season 10, Episode 235: That Darn Kid
Original Air Date: 4/12/82
Written by: Karen Hall
Directed by: David Ogden Stiers
Klinger runs into a local merchant selling, among other things, a live goat. Smelling a financial opportunity, he borrows some money from Hawkeye and B.J. to buy it, figuring he can use it to provide fresh milk to the rest of the 4077th for a pretty penny.
While Hawkeye, stuck being Paymaster, doles out money to the camp, Klinger sets up a table nearby trying to get people to buy a glass of milk.
Hawkeye has only given out pay to a couple of people when wounded arrive. Klinger puts the money--and the goat--in his office for safekeeping. When he and Hawkeye return to retrieve it, they see that the goat contentedly munching on the money!
Most of the money is now gone, having been digested, and Hawkeye is forced to tell everyone there's going to be a delay in getting paid, which of course is not met with good cheer.
They tell I-Corps what happened, and they send someone to investigate the missing money, an irritated Major Van Zandt (John P. Ryan), who is in the middle of a complicated report for his commander, and has to put it aside to look into what he calls "this ridiculous goat story."
Van Zandt doesn't believe Hawkeye's story, and after a cursory examination decides Hawkeye is solely responsible for the missing money, which means his wages will be garnished until all of the $22,000 is paid back.
Hawkeye, Potter, and Klinger devise a plan: Klinger claims there's a call from Van Zandt's commander, getting him out of the VIP tent. The call is mysteriously "lost", so Van Zandt returns to his tent, only to see the self-same goat munching his report!
Van Zandt is furious, and Col. Potter and Hawkeye arrive to see what the trouble is. Van Zandt smells a set up, and Col. Potter makes him an offer: if Van Zandt confirms that the goat ate the money, then they will verify that it ate his report--getting both of them out of trouble.
Van Zandt agrees, taking the goat with him as evidence. Potter quietly remarks that its amazing how paper much goats will eat--especially when you smother a little molasses on it!
Fun Facts: This is the last episode of the tenth season, which would be the show's last season consisting of a standard twenty-four episodes.
Hawkeye, trying to get out of being Paymaster, claims he "Already did it once this war", referring to the Season Three episode "Payday."
There's a funny line in the O Club, when Igor mentions that the only beverage he has left is a case of Grape Nehi, which "Nobody drinks around here since Radar shipped out."
Favorite Line: Potter runs into Hawkeye on the compound, and remarks that he probably hasn't read the bulletin board in the last day or two.
Hawkeye agrees, asking: "How do you know?"
Potter: "Because you haven't come screaming to me."
Hawkeye: "Why would I come creaming to you?"
Potter: "Because there's a notice there that says its your turn to be Paymaster."
Hawkeye, exploding: "I don't want to be paymaster!"
Potter, almost delighted, points at Hawkeye: "That's more like it!"
Season 10, Episode 234: Picture This
Original Air Date: 4/5/82
Written by: Karen Hall
Directed by: Burt Metcalfe
Col. Potter's anniversary is coming up, and he's stumped at what to get his wife Mildred. He finally hits on the idea of painting a portrait of his other family--the 4077th--and sending it to her.
Unfortunately he's picked the worst possible time to try and get everyone together, since minor squabbles have broken out among them all, quickly blowing up into full-grown fights.
Hawkeye and B.J. are on each other's nerves, so much so that Hawkeye temporarily moves out of the Swamp, taking up residence in a small hut behind Rosie's.
This leaves B.J. and Winchester alone together, and while it starts off well, their relationship quickly devolves too--B.J. is telling numerous stories about his daughter Erin, which he finds endlessly fascinating, driving Winchester insane.
The fighting is so bad that they can't even stay civil while Col. Potter tries to paint them all, and he gets so frustrated he calls it off. Later, he decides to paint them in groups of two, keeping all the Swamp Rats separate.
Margaret, Klinger, and Father Mulcahy each decide to intervene, and individually come up with plans to get the doctors back together--Margaret tells Hawkeye that B.J.'s daughter is having some problems with her potty training, trying to inspire some sympathy from Hawkeye.
Father Mulcahy works on Winchester, telling him--supposedly confidentially--that Hawkeye wants to come back to the Swamp. Winchester, realizing Hawkeye is a good buffer from B.J.'s endless stories of domesticity, is sympathetic to the idea.
Klinger goes to B.J. and tells him that he overheard Winchester recording a letter to his sister Honoria, scheming to drive B.J. out of the Swamp, as well, so he can have the place to himself.
Eventually Hawkeye moves back into the Swamp, and there's enough of a truce that all six of them reunite for Col. Potter so he can finish the painting. Unfortunately, the web of lies told by Mulcahy, Margaret, and Klinger starts to unravel, and it quickly breaks down into a screaming match among all of them.
Potter finishes the painting, shaking his head in disbelief. As the six of them continue to argue, the camera pans back and we see the finished work--a portrait of six good friends, smiling and content.
Fun Facts: I like how, of the three plots devised by Margaret, Mulcahy, and Klinger, its Klinger who doesn't even bother to try and come up with a story based on even a kernel of truth: he just flat-out lies, which is a great bit of characterization.
I love how frigging annoying B.J. is when telling the stories of his family: Mike Farrell uses a sickeningly-sweet, sing-songy voice to really drive it home.
Favorite Line: Klinger, trying to fool B.J., warns him not to tell Winchester he said anything, because: "Then I'd be forced to do something I hate--lie."
Season 10, Episode 225: The Birthday Girls
Original Air Date: 1/11/82
Written by: Karen Hall
Directed by: Charles S. Dubin
Margaret is excited over her upcoming birthday, which she's made special plans to celebrate--heading off to Tokyo to meet up with a friend for what sounds like a romantic weekend. She arranges Klinger to drive her to Seoul, but she won't say what she's so twitchy about.
A Korean farmer comes into camp with his pregnant cow, looking for help, but none of the doctors know how to do it, so they call a veterinarian at I-Corps. Meanwhile, Col. Potter informs Margaret that I-Corps has approved the use of the drug Levophed, and the lesson on how to administer it must be delivered to her nurses immediately, conflicting with her trip.
She begs Winchester to do it for her (since it must be done a major), who agrees only when he gets Margaret to offer in return a particular classical recording while she's in Tokyo.
Kllinger is busy arranging a lottery as to the birth of the calf, so busy he forgets about driving Margaret to Seoul. She grabs him while he's rounding up prospective customers and they jump in the jeep and drive off.
On the way, Margaret insists they take a rougher--but presumably faster--route, since they're running late. Klinger tries to argue, but she orders him to do it. As Klinger warned, their jeep hits a huge pit hole, and breaks down.
Meanwhile, back at the 4077th, the cow goes into labor, but there's a complication--its heart rate is much too fast, and it might die in the act of giving birth.
Miles away, Klinger has to break the news to Margaret that the jeep isn't going anywhere. She won't accept that, and begins walking. Klinger tries to reminder her how dangerous that is, and can't understand why she's so hell bent on getting to Seoul. Margaret partly breaks down and admits its her birthday, and how--just this once--she wanted to celebrate it on her own terms, in her own way.
Hours later, the cow's condition gets worse. Hawkeye, B.J., and Potter get the idea of trying out the recently-delivered Levophed on it, since it's supposed to do the exact thing the cow needs--lower blood pressure.
Night falls, and Klinger and Margaret are stuck together, spending the night in the jeep. Klinger tries to be comforting, even offering her a custom-made birthday hat, but Margaret remains stiff and humorless.
But over time they get to talking, and Margaret reveals that she's a little jealous of Klinger because he has a home town that he loves. Margaret, being an Army brat, never stayed in one place for long, so she never developed any close friends. She reveals her loneliness and sadness, and she and Klinger get to know each other better.
They eventually make their back to the 4077th, tired and dirty. The Levophed worked its magic on the cow, and the calf has been born safely. Turns out the winner of the lottery was...Margaret, who bought a ticket just to shut Klinger up and get him moving!
Klinger didn't take in the haul he was planning, just a measly ten bucks. Margaret asks for the money, saying "There's somebody I want to buy a present for."
Fun Facts: The B-plot makes a big deal over the introduction of the drug Levophed, even though Hawkeye casually prescribed it in a season eight episode.
Favorite Line: Margaret asks Klinger not to loiter while she's on the phone. He leaves to go into Col. Potter's office, and she starts to talk. Then she pauses, creeps up to the two swinging doors, and kicks them. Off screen, we hear Klinger yell: "Ooof!"
Season 10, Episode 220: Communication Breakdown
Original Air Date: 11/30/81
Written by: Karen Hall
Directed by: Alan Alda
The 4077th is suffering from a breakdown in the mail system involving second class mail, so there hasn't been any reading material--newspapers, magazines, etc.--for weeks.
The only person getting a newspaper is Winchester, whose family sent him a package containing a week's worth of The Boston Globe. He opens the package carefully and with great ceremony, treating the papers as if they were sacred parchments.
Hawkeye and B.J. of course want dibs, but Winchester refuses, only allowing them to read each day's paper after he's done with it. Hawkeye and B.J. reluctantly agree to the deal.
After a session in OR, Winchester sees Father Mulcahy sitting outside the Swamp, reading one of his papers. He tries to shoo Mulcahy inside (after lying about how he got them, claiming they were used to wrap fish), but he's too late: people walking the compound see it, and a crowd develops, each of them wanting to get their hands on it.
Finally, Winchester gets so fed up he offers the camp the same deal he offered Hawkeye and B.J, with the same grumbling response.
After a couple of days, Winchester sees one of the papers is missing, and he immediately assumes "some lowlife" in the camp stole it. So he goes on the P.A., accusing anyone and everyone of the crime, and rescinds the offer.
This leads to an ever-escalating series of vengeful acts--first, someone steals his bathrobe, followed by all of his possessions (except the papers). That leads Winchester to keep everyone up all night playing music over the P.A.
When his possessions are not returned, Winchester decides to do something big--collapse the Mess Tent as everyone is inside eating. Just as he boards a jeep he's using for the task, he's stopped by Col. Potter, who is enraged and points out Winchester's fatal mistake, revealed in the very newspapers that started all this.
Winchester is forced to apologize via the P.A. and admit that there was a "wildcat truckers strike" on May 5th, stopping the delivery of the paper to some areas--meaning the paper wasn't stolen, it never arrived in the first place!
That settled, Col. Potter takes that day's paper and acts like Mayor LaGuardia, reading aloud Li'l Abner to everyone in camp. Everyone enjoys Potter's effort, but they burst into hysterics when Winchester is forced to beg for his clothes back!
Fun Facts: There's a scene between Winchester and Nurse Kellye involving sub-titles, the only time the show would use them.
There's a solid B-plot about a patient of Hawkeye's, a North Korean soldier, who ends up being guarded by his brother, who is part of the South Korean army. Hawkeye contrives a way to allow them to talk to one another, since they can't do it out in the open without risking their lives.
This episode aired 28 years ago today!
Favorite Line: Instead of a line, its a camera move: Winchester climbs aboard a jeep he's using to get revenge. As he does, the camera pans over slightly, and in the shot suddenly is Col. Potter, looking as angry as we've seen him, blocking the jeep's path.
I'm not describing it well, but it stands out because M*A*S*H generally didn't do jokes based on the staging of any given scene.
Season 9, Episode 198: Father's Day
Original Air Date: 12/8/80
Written by: Karen L. Hall
Directed by: Alan Alda
Margaret gets news that her father--"Howitzer Al" Houlihan--is coming to visit her at the 4077th.
This sends Margaret into fits of nervous anticipation, insisting that everything at the camp be in perfect shape. She even suggests Col. Potter's hair could use a little trim!
After driving everyone crazy, "Howitzer Al" (Andrew Duggan) arrives, and Margaret is either to show the camp off to him. She has her nursing staff submit themselves for inspection, and she's beaming with pride. But her father takes little notice, only giving her a brief acknowledgment of them and her efforts.
Later, when they're alone, Margaret slips and mention her parents divorce, which seems to put Howitzer Al in an even more terse mood. Later, in OR, Margaret is so nervous about the doctor's normal tomfoolery that she slams into a tray of instruments, causing them to crash to the floor. Right at that moment, she sees her father storm out of the OR.
Later that night, Margaret tries to talk to her father back in his tent, but he blows her off. After she leaves, he heads off to the O Club, where he joins Col. Potter for a drink.
He warms up a bit to Col. Potter, but his mood seems to darken again when Potter mentions how much he's looking forward to going home to his wife. Moments later, Hawkeye and B.J. wander in, and decide to try and make nice with Howitzer Al, "For Margaret's sake."
But within a few moments of sitting down, Howitzer Al attacks them both, calling them both a disgrace to their country. Hawkeye and B.J. try and ignore him, but Howitzer Al gets so mad he knocks over their table and storms out.
The next morning, Margaret angrily confronts Hawkeye and B.J., blaming them for the confrontation the night before. They protest their innocence, but Margaret doesn't believe them, and is sure they're the reason her father has chosen to leave early.
Margaret then runs into Col. Potter, and breaks down in tears, revealing her shame at being such a disappointment to her father. Col. Potter tries to comfort her, and tells her that Hawkeye and B.J. were not the ones spoiling for a fight.
After she walks off in tears, Col. Potter visits Howitzer Al in his tent, telling him how shabbily he's treating his daughter. Potter's disgusted when he learns that Howitzer Al left the OR, not because of Margaret, but because he couldn't stomach all the blood--and he's willing to let Margaret think it was her fault rather than admit he couldn't hack it.
Potter then suggests that, now that Howitzer Al is in retirement and newly-divorced, "You don't have your men or your woman", but he does have his daughter.
Later, Margaret is stoic when her father packs up his jeep to leave. He begins to drive off, but then stops a few feet away. Margaret runs to catch up, wondering what's wrong. Howitzer Al takes her hand, and asks Margaret to visit him in Tokyo. Overjoyed, she agrees, and then he admits that he is, in fact, proud of her.
After driving away, Margaret beams with pride and joy.
Fun Facts: The character of Al Houlihan is well written and well performed--seeing this guy, you have a better understanding of why Margaret is the way she is.
Its never mentioned explicitly, but you get the sense from this episode that Margaret is an only child--even though in several earlier episodes (mostly in the second and third seasons) it was stated that she has at least one sister.
This episode features a very silly--but also very funny--B-plot about a giant slab of frozen beef a patient sends to Hawkeye and B.J. as a way to say thanks for their excellent care. The only problem is, its beef meant for a General, who sends out a search party to find out where it went.
Favorite Line: Potter asks her if there's anything he can do to help Margaret get the 4077th ready, and that's when Margaret gingerly suggests: "Now that you mention it, sir, your hair could use a little trim", driving Hawkeye and B.J. into hysterics.
