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Season 1, Episode 10: Fallout
Original Air Date: 12/5/83
Written by: Larry Gelbart
Directed by: Larry Gelbart
Col. Potter has insomnia. Mildred finds him in the kitchen, and he tells what's bothering him: the endless bureaucracy of General General and how it affects the care he's able to give. He talks about quitting and retiring, something Mildred is perfectly happy to do.
At the hospital, Dr. Pfeiffer tells Col. Potter about an offer he's received to become part of another doctor's private practice. It would prevent Dr. Pfeiffer from becoming Board Certified, but the money and easier hours is vastly tempting. Pfeiffer ends up deciding that, even though the offer is great, the medical experience he's gaining is too good to give up--not to mention the chance to learn under Col. Potter, whom Pfeiffer deeply respects.
During Movie Night, Dr. Pfeiffer overhears one of his patients, named Joe Warner, (William Sadler) mention that he's been present for six different nuclear bomb tests--a patient who has been diagnosed with leukemia.
Pfeiffer does some research, and learns that his patient was part of a troop that was sent to clean up Nagasaki after the bomb was dropped. Father Mulcahy tries to comfort the man, and we see he's having visions--visions of his old Army chaplain, promising that what he's being told to do is "perfectly safe."
Col. Potter and Dr Pfeiffer write up a report about Joe Warner, and how he developed leukemia, and submit it to Mike D'Angelo, who tells Potter in no uncertain terms the report is unacceptable. D'Angelo, reflecting on the financial implications of this, flat out refuses to send the report up the chain of command.
Unable to change D'Angelo's mind, Col. Potter has to break the news to Pfeiffer, who is furious about his report being buried. He threatens to quit--what's the point?--but Potter takes him to task, saying that if Pfeiffer really wants to make a difference, he needs to be in the trenches, helping people like Joe Warner, not playing golf in during his days off from private practice.
Pfeiffer agrees, promising to keep trying.
Fun Facts: There's a female voice coming over the hospital's PA at various times, and to my hear it sounds like Kellye Nakahara. The voice is not credited, and there's no mention of it on IMDB, so I can't be sure.
Mike D'Angelo has a scary line when Potter quotes a scientific study saying that the effects of leukemia could be so long lasting they might even affect Warner's unborn baby.
D'Angelo asks who wrote the report, Potter says, "A bunch of scientists." D'Angelo replies, "So they say the government is lying?" Potter responds with, "No, they just have a different opinion." D'Angelo counters with, "Scientists have opinions. The government has facts."
Soon-Lee does not appear in this episode.
This episode is probably the finest of the series so far, dealing with a tough, real world issue, and not providing any pat answers. The character of Mike D'Angelo, mostly a buffoon up until now, takes on a darker cast when we get to see how unwilling he is to criticize the government in any way, mostly for the sake of a buck. He would've gotten along great with Frank Burns.
Favorite Line: Klinger tells Dr. Pfeiffer what it was like being in the Army. Pfeiffer says, "You must have loved it."
Klinger answers, "Loved it? I wanted to get out the minute I got in. In Basic Training, I wet my bunk every night for a week. Didn't work for me, but the guy below me got out for Pneumonia."
Season 1, Episode 1: September of '53/Together Again
Original Air Date: 9/26/83
Written by: Larry Gelbart
Directed by: Burt Metcalfe
Col. Potter returns home from Korea to his beloved wife Mildred (Barbara Townsend). He finds himself offered the job of Chief of Staff at General Pershing Veteran's Hospital, and even though he has doubts about his boss Mike D'Angelo (John Chappell), he feels he do some good, tending to the wounded veterans of multiple wars.
Meanwhile, his former clerk Klinger is not doing quite as well. When we find Klinger, he is before a judge, having been busted for running the kind of racket he would have back in Korea. With his wife Soon-Lee (Rosalind Chao) watching, Klinger asks for mercy from the judge, explaining that he's having a hard time readjusting to life as a civilian.
He mentions that the things he did back in Korea--while maybe not quite on the up-and-up--he would be commended for, but back in America he gets arrested for. The judge shows Klinger mercy, especially when Klinger mentions he has an honest job waiting for him in Missouri--as Col. Potter's assistant.
Klinger and Soon-Lee arrive, and Klinger finds dealing with all the hospital redtape difficult. His loose, cutting-corners-ways is especially disdained by D'Angelo's executive secretary, the stern and humorless Alma Kox (Brandis Kemp).
D'Angelo tries to keep Col. Potter under control from the beginning, preferring to run the hospital as if it was a for-profit, money-making venture, obsessed with paperwork and PR. In fact, the only people on staff who seem to appreciate Col. Potter and Klinger are the young, idealistic doctor Gene Pfeiffer (Jay O. Sanders) and a secretary named Bonnie Hornbeck (Wendy Schaal) who really takes a shine to Klinger.
Col. Potter makes contact with a troubled Korean war veteran named Danny Madden (Arliss Howard), who eventually shows up at Col. Potter's home, keeping Mrs. Potter a sort of hostage. Col. Potter arrives and talks Madden down.
Meanwhile, Col. Potter gets a call from a friend of Father Mulcahy's, telling him that his old friend is in bad shape--demoralized by his hearing loss, Mulcahy has turned to booze. Potter asks to talk to Mulcahy, realizing how serious it is.
Potter arranges a hearing specialist to perform a brand-new type of surgery on Father Mulcahy, which goes well, slowly restoring Mulcahy's hearing. Potter tells Mulcahy that the hospital needs a new chaplain, and offers the job to Mulcahy. He accepts, and Klinger is delighted to be with his two old friends again.
Fun Facts: Not having seen this show since it aired in 1983, I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed these opening two episodes. It flows well, and its commentary about life in post-war 1950s America is, for the most part, spot on.
The only real problem with this episode(s) is--they're not that funny. There are a couple of funny lines, but nothing that you laugh out loud at. No, for these episodes, its the dramatic moments that really shine: during Klinger's scene in the courtroom, there's an especially sharp line about how his Korean wife is given looks "You wouldn't give to Eva Braun."
There's another particularly nice moment right at the beginning, when Col. Potter gets out of a cab and attempts to tip the driver. The driver waves off the tip and gives him a salute, a touching little scene. Watching these two shows over again, I was really taken with the dramatic moments--I thought some of them were as good as anything on M*A*S*H.
In the credits, right at the end, there is one of the strangest credit lines I've ever seen on a show:
"A continuation of M*A*S*H"--? I mean, sure, we all know that, but talk about putting the show behind the eight ball!
Favorite Line: Dr. Pfeiffer is embarrassed to mention that his female patient has VD. Klinger, misunderstanding, thinks he's referring to the rigid Alma Cox: "Alma Cox? Wow! Who volunteered?"
Season 4, Episode 96: The Interview
Original Air Date: 2/24/76
Written by: Larry Gelbart
Directed by: Larry Gelbart
A war correspondent, Clete Roberts, has brought a camera crew to the 4077th to interview the men and women of the unit, and to record their thoughts and experiences.
Hawkeye is his anti-establishment best, mocking the Army and its discipline, even cursing at one point, right on film. (He also propositions Bess Truman)
Klinger talks about the delights of home, B.J. talks of missing his family. Col. Potter talks about what its like being in command, and being so much older than everyone else in camp.
Radar talks about his hobbies, Father Mulcahy talks about how much being here has changed him, and Frank is his usual hard-line, pro-war, pretend-patriotic self. (When asked if the war has changed him, in any way, he answers, "Certainly not", amazed at the question)
Col. Potter talks about his career in the military, but admits that whatever medical advances are made in the war, its not worth all the destruction, the loss of life, the waste. When asked if anything of value will come from this war, Potter bluntly answers, "Not a damn thing."
Hawkeye, B.J., and Col. Potter make an extra effort to praise the nurses and how hard they work. (Frank describes them as "Competent...competent.")
When asked about heroes, Hawkeye says he doesn't have any. Col. Potter offers up Abraham Lincoln and Harry Truman.
In the end, Hawkeye is at a loss for words as to how to describe what its like being here, what they have to do, and the war itself--"it's crazy."
Fun Facts: One of M*A*S*H's most format-busting episodes, this one is in the running by most fans as the best M*A*S*H episode ever.
This is the only episode of the series entirely in black and white.
Incredibly, Hot Lips does not appear in this episode. Given Loretta Swit's non-presence in so many episodes this season, I used to assume she was off filming Race With The Devil. But looking at that film's IMDB page reveals that the movie was released in June 1975, meaning it was probably filmed sometime in late 1974. So why did she miss so many episodes this season?*
This is the last episode of the fourth season, arguably the show's finest season. It is also writer (and in this case, director) Larry Gelbart's final show. Talk about going out with a bang!
Favorite Line: Hawkeye is asked if he brought any "creature comforts" over with him, and he says: "The Dictionary--I figure its got all the other books in it."
That line is so brilliant, I almost can't believe that Alda and/or Gelbart wrote it--it seems like something that just existed in the culture.
*(Update: Read the comments for this post--from Mr. Gelbart himself--to find out some details about this episode!)
Season 4, Episode 95: Deluge
Original Air Date: 2/17/76
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Simon Muntner
Directed by: William Jurgensen
A massive deluge of wounded hits the 4077th, and all the various cases are intercut with actual, black and white Newsreel footage from the time--some of it important and newsworthy, some of it silly, like a ping pong-playing cat.
In addition to the casualties, landmines start to explode, set off by the extreme weather changes outside. News breaks that China has ruptured the U.N.'s front line, kicking off "an entirely new war."
The news gets so bad that orders are sent for all the nurses to be shipped out temporarily. But Hot Lips refuses to leave, even in the face of great danger. She feels so strongly she walks in in the middle of Col. Potter taking a shower, demanding she stay: "I was born to serve, Colonel, you must let me!" Potter reluctantly agrees.
Tensions start to flare, with Frank prattling on about how he's happy the Chinese have entered the war, and now the U.S. can "obliterate them all."
To make things worse, a carelessly-tossed cigarette starts a fire in Pre-Op, which Radar and Klinger struggle to put out. They finally do, arriving in O.R. just in time for a bomb to go off just outside, blowing out the O.R.'s windows and causing all sorts of chaos.
Eventually, the deluge subsides, leaving everyone exhausted. Potter walks in on Hot Lips as she is showering (leaving a bewildered Frank, waiting outside), thanking her for staying.
Fun Facts: This is another example of M*A*S*H's timeline being out of whack--in "The Late Captain Pierce", earlier in the season, Dwight Eisenhower is now President. But during one of this episode's Newsreel snippets, Harry Truman is still in office.
Favorite Line: Klinger talks about a kid he knew back in Toledo, Archie Jaglaw, who fell on down a sewer as a kid and was a Nazi ever since. He got turned down by the Army because of flat feet.
Klinger: "You know how he got flat feet? Goose-stepping in his basement!"
Season 4, Episode 94: The More I See You
Original Air Date: 2/10/76
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Gene Reynolds
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
It's a boring day at the 4077th. Hawkeye and B.J. are so bored they are sitting around, basically talking nonsense to one another.
But things start to look up, when they see a jeep arrive carrying two new nurses. Hawkeye and B.J. watch from the Swamp, and then Hawkeye is stunned--one of them is an old flame, Carlye Breslin. More than an old flame, actually--Hawkeye reveals to B.J. that he and Carlye were deeply in love, lived together for over a year, and then it "busted up", as Hawkeye says, trying to sound casual.
Later, they go to visit the nurses in their tent, bringing gifts as a way to say welcome. Carlye (Blythe Danner) is just as stunned to see Hawkeye, but they both pretend they've never met. But little things slip through--Carlye already knows where Hawkeye's nickname comes from, and even finishes a joke Hawkeye tells, as if she's heard it before.
They invite them to drinks after dinner, and later that night Carlye comes to visit Hawkeye, who is alone in the Swamp.
At first Hawkeye is guarded and defensive, but soon he drops the facade and they talk, openly, about the old days. Hawkeye is mad Carlye--now Carlye Walton--is married (to an ad man named Doug). Carlye is having none of it, reminding Hawkeye that he was always married to to medicine first, and that's what busted them up in the first place.
The conversation turns into an argument, and Hawkeye admits "There's been no one since you--faint copies at best."
They resolve to have to try and work together, despite their history. Carlye leaves, leaving Hawkeye to grimace and mutter, dismissively, "Doug."
Later, Hawkeye and Carlye work together in surgery, but Hawkeye is snappish and mean, unable to stay professional. Carlye suggests they talk again, after work.
They meet up in a small hut with a dirt floor away from the camp. They have some drinks, talk some more, and Hawkeye reveals how devastated he was when she left him. Eventually, though, they are embracing another. Hawkeye kisses Carlye, promising things will be better this time. Carlye is hesitant, but eventually responds.
A few days pass, and while filing some paperwork in Radar's office, Hawkeye and B.J. (who is waiting for a long distance call to Peg to go through) talk, with Hawkeye sort of apologizing for not being around much lately.
This becomes a discussion of Hawkeye having an affair with a married woman, and Hawkeye asks if B.J. has ever been unfaithful. B.J. says no, but he's gentle and unjudgmental with Hawkeye in explaining that he hasn't cheated on Peg because "God will send me to Hell without and electric fan or its not the Right Thing to do...I simply don't want to."
Radar finds Hawkeye and shows him that Carlye has put in for an immediate transfer. Hawkeye heads to Carlye's tent, demanding an explanation. She says she can't continue on this path, and will tell Potter the truth so she can be transferred immediately.
Hawkeye tries to get to her to stay, even feebly offering to propose to Caryle. Carlye isn't buying it, and points out to Hawkeye how shaky his commitment really is, and that his first love will always be--and should be--medicine.
Hawkeye accepts this, and they embrace one last time. Hawkeye makes a final, half-hearted joke, and leaves.
Later, Hawkeye and B.J. are back to being bored again. Eventually, though, the talk comes back to Carlye. Hawkeye says he doesn't mind that she's gone again, its just that "she never altogether leaves."
Fun Facts: As a kid, this was always one of my least favorite episodes, because it was all "mushy stuff." Now its one of my all-time favorite episodes, having had the chance to grow up (hollow laugh) and see this episode for the brilliant, mature character piece it is. Alda and Danner have an easy, informal chemistry, and it really feels like two people who were once in love. Their scenes together are brilliant.
Also, B.J.'s talk with Hawkeye about why he doesn't cheat on Peg is one of the most simple, most profound pieces of character motivation I have ever seen on a TV show. It registered to me as a kid, for reasons I couldn't understand at the time. In a TV landscape where most male characters are written as horndogs or overgrown man-children, B.J. expresses the thoughts and feelings of a smart, adult man.
Hot Lips and Frank do not appear in this episode.
In the final scene, there's a weird joke making fun of George Raft. Huh?
Favorite Line: Carly, having had her first meal at the 4077th, tells Hawkeye he was right about how bad the food is.
Hawkeye: "Yeah, I'll never understand how the cook got off at Nuremberg."
Season 4, Episode 93: Smilin' Jack
Original Air Date: 2/3/76
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Simon Muntner
Directed by: Charles Dubin
The 4077th gets a visit from Smilin' Jack (Robert Hogan), a hot-shot chopper pilot, who is working on attaining the record of Chopper Pilot of the Year, by bringing in the most wounded.
Jack visits Hawkeye in O.R., and then asks out a nurse. He then visits his old friend Col. Potter.
Potter and Jack talk about old times, and work out a trade for some supplies. Before Jack leaves, though, Potter notices an old scratch on Jack's hand that he says he patched up months ago. Jack dismisses it, and leaves.
Later that night, Jack is having drinks in the O Club with Hawkeye and B.J., and he's hustling them for drinks by pulling off a trick involving a hypodermic needle. The jovial mood is broken when Potter arrives, officially grounding Jack upon completion of a physical.
Hawkeye and B.J. do the work up, and Jack seems in good shape, except he's unwilling to give them a urine sample. He's so hostile, the doctors bluntly ask him what Potter suspects. Jack fesses up--he's got diabetes.
Hawkeye and B.J. try and press upon Jack the risk he's taking being up in the air while having diabetes. Jack insists no one is grounding him--no one.
Later, Jack jumps in his chopper and heads to battalion aid, in an attempt to pick up four wounded soldiers at one time, therefore beating the record in what he knows will be his last chance.
Col. Potter tries to get him to land, but Jack won't listen. He does manage to bring four wounded back to the 4077th, setting the record. Jack is thrilled to have set the record, only to see Dangerous Dan come in, carrying in more wounded, once again taking the record.
Jack, knowing when he's beaten, hands over all his flying credentials to B.J., and ruefully accepts his fate.
Fun Facts: This is the first episode directed Charles Dubin, who would helm 44 episodes of the series.
Another installment of The Young Sherman Potter Adventures: he mentions another pilot he knew, Duncan McShane, who used to throw grenades from his chopper at targets.
Favorite Line: When Hawkeye and Smilin' Jack are discussing how many wounded he's brought in while Jack flirts with a nurse. He asks her out, and she accepts.
Hawkeye asks: "How many will this make for you, Jack?"
Smilin' Jack: "839--Dangerous Dan's got 842. I need three to tie."
Frank, sitting nearby, exclaims: "Oh, now--that's disgusting!"
Hawkeye, stunned at Frank's mistake, looks at Jack in disbelief. It doesn't read funny here, but the look on Hawkeye's face is priceless.
Season 4, Episode 90: Hawkeye
Original Air Date: 1/13/76
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Simon Muntner
Directed by: Larry Gelbart
On his way back from an aid station, Hawkeye almost hits some kids playing the road. He swerves to avoid them, crashing his jeep and hitting his head. Bleeding, and with the help of the kids, he staggers into a nearby hut, populated by a pair of Korean parents.
None of them understand a word of English, but Hawkeye keeps babbling, trying to keep himself awake. Sure he has a concussion, he writes a note for someone to come and get him, giving it to one of the kids, who will hopefully bring it to the 4077th.
In the meantime, Hawkeye keeps talking--he talks about his time in med school, a particularly stacked waitress he dated, great musicals he's seen, an old math teacher (who had three nostrils, supposedly), and his life in Crabapple Cove.
As he waits for someone to come and get him, and he gets more worried about his concussion, Hawkeye's thoughts turn more serious. He ponders about war and the sheer awesomeness of the human body. He even does some juggling.
Finally, as night begins to fall, he hears a jeep outside. Radar has arrived, and Hawkeye grabs his stuff, thanks them for all their hospitality, and leaves.
A few days later, Hawkeye returns with presents for the entire family, who are happy to see him, even offering him some dinner.
Fun Facts: This episode divides a lot of M*A*S*H fans--some of them find it insufferable, that Hawkeye--who already got the lion's share of screen time on the show--literally got an entire episode to himself.
Others (like myself), find it an interesting experiment (the one M*A*S*H "spec script" I have written in my head is a variation this show, featuring just two of the show's characters in an extended conversation. I'll tell you about it sometime).
This episode, naturally, features no appearances by any of the cast except for Alan Alda. Even when Radar comes to get Hawkeye, he's not seen or heard.
Favorite Line: Hawkeye gives the two smallest kids some treats--candy and comic books. He then pauses, and says, "Not very good for you. You better read the candy and eat the comic books."
Season 4, Episode 87: The Price of Tomato Juice
Original Air Date: 12/16/75
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Gene Reynolds
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
Radar sits down to lunch with a glass of tomato juice, which Col. Potter takes notice of, having not seen it in years. Radar offers him his glass, which Potter gratefully accepts, savoring every drop.
After Potter leaves, Radar gets the idea of procuring tomato juice regularly. He asks Klinger how they can get more, but Klinger says there's no chance--the can of it arrived by mistake, so it would have to be ordered specifically by the Requisition Officer--Frank.
Radar enlists Hawkeye and B.J. in the cause, to see if they can help. They go to Frank, who will order the tomato juice in return for a favor--getting a pair of stockings, for...someone.
They agree, and go to Klinger for the stockings, who says he'll give them up only if he gets a two-day pass for some R&R. They agree, and get Radar to sneak a pass by Col. Potter. Potter notices, and refuses to sign, but Radar lays it on thick, saying Klinger is really stressed and needs some relaxation.
Potter goes along, but needs to check with Gen. Barker, who has asked all commanders to not issue any R&R passes to Seoul for the next few days. He calls Barker and asks if he can send Kllinger. Barker agrees, but asks if Potter wouldn't mind sending Hot Lips to Seoul, as well.
Potter asks Hot Lips, and she's thrilled at the idea of going to cocktail parties on the arm of a General, but she tries to pretend its a selfless act.
With Hot Lips packing to leave, the whole house of cards begins to collapse. Without Hot Lips around, Frank is depressed, and refuses to order the tomato juice.
Radar, in a panic, turns to Hawkeye and B.J. for help, so they try something desperate--sending Hot Lips some flowers and a card proposing marriage from Frank!
They then go the other way, sending a note "from Hot Lips" to Frank (who is getting drunk in the Officers Club) saying she wants to get together. While he's in a good mood, Radar gets him to sign the requisition for the tomato juice.
Frank and Hot Lips get together, and the whole thing falls apart. Meanwhile, a car for General Barker arrives, ready to pick up Major Houlihan. Hawkeye and B.J. offer up a dolled-up Klinger, looking like a 1940s movie starlet, ready for a night on the town.
The next morning, Radar delivers another can of tomato juice, complete with white towel over his arm and served on a tray. Potter refuses it.
Hawkeye, B.J., and Radar are stunned--doesn't he love tomato juice? Potter does, but he forgot he's allergic to it!
Fun Facts: This episode is reminiscent of the Season Two episode "For Want of a Boot", where one favor begets another, and then another, and then another...
Favorite Line: In the showers, Frank is talking, when Hawkeye interrupts him, staring at the top of Frank's head. He says "Wait a minute", grabs his towel, and smacks Frank in the head. Frank says, "Did you get it?"
Hawkeye: "Get what?"
Season 4, Episode 85: The Gun
Original Air Date: 12/2/75
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Gene Reynolds
Directed by: Burt Metcalfe
Wounded arrive at the 4077th, including a Col. Chaffey (Warren Stevens), who is carrying a rare, antique pistol as a side-arm. Radar takes it and locks it up in the gun bin--Standard Operating Procedure--but not before Frank takes a few moments to drool all over it, in a display of machismo.
Later, when Radar returns to the gun bin, he sees that the Colonel's gun is missing!
He tells Col. Potter, who starts an investigation to find it--otherwise, Radar could go to jail for years. Radar is paralyzed with fear: "I won't get out until I'm thirty--that's almost dead!"
Col. Potter fails to find the gun, and has to break the news to Col. Chaffey, who is enraged and wants to speak to the "Non-compoop" who lost his gun.
Meanwhile, Frank shows Hot Lips an antique gun that he "got from home." He asked it to be sent because he "missed his old pal."
Hawkeye and B.J. confront Frank, insinuating he took the gun, and now that its gotten Radar in trouble, he should give it back. Frank, not giving an inch, notices how everyone is entitled to be innocent until proven guilty, except for him. Hawkeye and B.J., annoyed that Frank is actually right for once, back off.
Radar gets drunk, sure is he is going to the stockade. In the middle of the night, he staggers over to visit Col. Chaffey, to protest his innocence. While there, they both hear a gun go off, causing everyone to run outside.
In the confusion, Frank makes his way to Hot Lips' tent, with a gun shot wound to his foot. He at first tells a tall tale about getting into a fight with someone he saw lurking in the Supply Shed, but Hot Lips forces him to tell the truth--that gun isn't his, it never was. While he was trying to return it, it accidentally went off.
Hot Lips is mad at Frank for stealing and lying, but Frank has learned his lesson: "Yep--when you steal something, don't ever try to return it."
The gun now returned, all of the charges against Radar are dropped. Col. Chaffey apologizes to Radar, and Col. Potter suggests the gun is more trouble than its worth, maybe he should think about donating it to a museum. Col. Chaffey will have none of that, insisting he'll keep it until the day he dies. He rides off.
The next day, Hawkeye and B.J. hint at the true source of Frank's wound. Just a guess, really--a "shot in the dark."
Fun Facts: Col. Potter tells a story about a time when he almost got crushed by a runaway portable latrine. Another installment of The Young Col. Potter Adventures!
Favorite Line: When Radar, drunk, points his teddy bear at Col. Chaffey, we hear a gunshot from outside.
Radar, shocked, stares at his teddy bear and exclaims, "My bear went off!"
Season 4, Episode 75: It Happened One Night
Original Air Date: 9/26/75
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Simon Munter and Gene Reynolds
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
It's cold, cold, cold outside, as we see a change in shifts at the hospital: B.J. is just finishing, with Hawkeye just coming on around midnight.
Unfortunately, the relative quiet is shattered when bombs start falling nearby, causing some of the patients to flip out, one of them almost pulling out his stitches in the progress.
Hot Lips gives Frank a sexy note, but she is shocked to see he tears it up after he reads it. He reveals he has left no written trace of their relationship, and Frank seems worried when Hot Lips reveals she's kept everything he has written her. "Everything?" Frank asks nervously.
The shelling eventually gets so bad Radar wakes Col. Potter up so he can order the nearby artillery unit to move further down the road and give the 4077th some peace and quiet.
Meanwhile, a soldier on guard duty--a kid barely eighteen--accidentally fires his gun, nipping Klinger in the arm, which he of course tries to turn into a major injury--"Now my arm's half-blown off!"
There's a period of quiet, but then the bombs start falling again, and Col. Potter goes further up the chain of command to get the artillery stopped, but is rebuffed.
One patient of B.J.'s starts to go south, so he has to go back in an operate on him again, while Hawkeye and Hot Lips try and contain another patient who is nearly hysterical when he hears the bombs fall.
Finally, near dawn, the bombs stop. B.J. saves his patient, and the other patient in Post Op is sedated so he can rest.
Soon after, Hot Lips goes back to her tent, only to find an unconscious Frank, who tore her tent apart searching for all his incriminating love notes.
Fun Facts: I could never keep track of how the seasons fell on M*A*S*H. In the previous episode, Radar is sitting outside shirtless getting a tan and everyone is in shirts and shorts. In this, the very next episode, its clearly early Winter. Huh?
Favorite Line: Frank chastises Hawkeye for being a few minutes late to Post Op, but he's warmly accommodating to Hot Lips when she's late, as well. Hawkeye is indignant: "I had to bring a note from home."
Season 4, Episode 73: Welcome to Korea
Original Air Date: 9/12/75
Written by: Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum and Larry Gelbart
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
Radar is woken up by new 4077 commander Frank Burns, for the morning's formation. He's nasty to Radar, and proves to be a pathetic leader to the troops.
In the middle of a rant by Frank, Hawkeye, coming back from R&R, is wheeled into camp, partly hung over. He ignores Frank's commands, and heads for the showers.
Radar chases after him, trying to tell Hawkeye something: while Hawkeye was gone, Trapper got his orders and was shipped home. They tried calling Hawkeye for three days, but couldn't get a hold of him. Hawkeye is stunned, and crushed that it seems that Trapper didn't even leave a note of goodbye, save for a kiss to the cheek, administered by Radar.
When Hawkeye learns that Trapper is flying out of Kimpo that very morning, he jumps out of the shower, tells Frank and Hot Lips he's leaving. They deny him permission, but he sneaks aboard the jeep Radar is taking into town to pick up Captain B.J. Hunnicutt, Trapper's replacement.
Hawkeye, in a mad rush not to miss Trapper, blows past an MP checkpoint, only to be stopped at a second. He fakes his way through it by pretending Radar has an infectious disease.
They make it to Kimpo, and while Radar searches for Captain Hunnicutt, Hawkeye tries to find Trapper. He finds the office in charge of processing people on their way home, but can barely get the attention of the man behind the desk, who is more concerned with the absurdly specific needs of a General. Finally, he gets a hold of the flight manifests, and finds...Trapper left ten minutes ago.
Demoralized, he wanders back outside, where Radar introduces him to Captain Hunnicutt, who insists on being called B.J. They decide to go home, but find that their jeep has been stolen!
After calming a panicked Radar down, they go into the Officers Club to get a drink (faking Radar as an officer, giving him some of B.J.'s captains bars and designating him a "Corporal Captain"). Its here that Hawkeye clues B.J. in as to what to expect, and the kind of people that make up the 4077th.
He compliments them all, but points out that B.J. is just missing "Two of the greatest guys in the world, though", including Henry, who was "Our C.O.--Henry was okay, from the navel out in every direction." He also clues B.J. in as to just how bad Burns--aka "Ferret Face"--is, as a commander and a doctor.
Upon leaving the club, they steal a General's jeep and head home. On the way, they run into a farming family searching a mine field, an incredibly dangerous proposition. They try to get them to stop, but not before one of the farmer's young daughters sets off a mine. In the confusion, Radar runs in to the mine field, grabs the injured girl, and brings her out.
While Hawkeye and Radar are missing, Frank is preparing the 4077th for the new arrival. He and Hot Lips dream of training Hunnicutt "our way."
Meanwhile, after dropping the girl off at a local hospital (the conditions of which disgusts and shocks B.J.), they get a flat tire. While fixing it, they run into some locals, who seem harmless enough--until they suddenly disappear into the woods. Moments later, bullets start to fly, and they scramble to get the new tire on and out of harm's way. B.J. notices there's a bullet hole in the seat right next to him.
As if that wasn't enough, Hawkeye, B.J., and Radar get caught in the middle of some mortar fire being shot at some U.S. soldiers. They jump out of the jeep and start tending to the wounded. B.J. receives one shock after the other--one dead solider looks to be barely thirteen years old, and another is wounded so bad that it causes B.J. to stagger off and vomit.
Radar points this out to Hawkeye. While Radar is calling the nearest MASH unit for help (the 8055th), Hawkeye stops and hold B.J.'s head as he continues to be sick. Finally, another wounded soldier needs attention, and Hawkeye turns, reaches his hand out to B.J. They join hands, and both of tend to the wounded G.I.
Back at the 4077th, Frank gets word that B.J. was picked up. Th attribute him being so late to Hawkeye, who must have had something to do with it.
Finally, Hawkeye, B.J., and Radar make it home. But just before they arrive, they stop at Rosie's Bar. They get loaded, so bad that Radar has to drive them the rest of the way.
Upon hearing the honks of the jeep's horn, Frank and Hot Lips run outside excitedly, ready to meet their new surgeon. Hawkeye, drunk and caked in sweat and mud, formally introduces B.J.: "Major Burns, Major Houilhan: may I present, Captain B.J. Hunnicutt."
B.J. manages a wobbly salute, only to collapse in laughter, clutching Hot Lips, and asking "What say you, Ferret Face?"
Hawkeye also dissolves into laughter, unable even to look Burns in the eye. Frank and Hot Lips stand there stunned, as they see all their plans to mold Captain Hunnicutt in their image have gone up in smoke.
Later, some MPs arrive, on the trail of the stolen jeep. They find Frank sitting it, and put him in custody. Hawkeye and B.J. wander by on their way to the showers, stopping long enough not to help Frank at all.
The P.A. announces the list of people now permanently assigned to the 4077th. "Mike Farrell as B.J. Hunnicutt" is inserted into the list, and at the end, we meet "Harry Morgan, as Col. Sherman Potter...Regular Army. God help us all."
Fun Facts: Seaons Four and Five of M*A*S*H--featuring the combo of Hawkeye, Frank, Hot Lips, Radar, Klinger, and Father Mulcahy with new characters B.J. and Col. Potter--remain my favorite seasons of not only the series, but of all of television.
There was something about these particular episodes that speak to me in a way no other television shows have ever done. (Really--much like how I am about Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks, or Justice League of America #200, I am completely unwilling to even consider the notion there has been--or ever will be--anything better in this particular medium).
The credit sequence, for the first time, has been changed. Not only are Wayne Rogers and McLean Stevenson's names gone (replaced by Mike Farrell and Harry Morgan, respectively), but Jamie Farr has been added to the end, and the overall size of the letters has been increased in size. Also, the last shot of the credits, featuring the doctors walking along with the jeeps carrying wounded, has been re-framed so Trapper is no longer seen at the very top.
A curious mention comes at the end, when we see the out-of-sequence scene of Col. Potter arriving. The P.A. says that Potter is reporting for duty on "September 19, 1952." Which means all of M*A*S*H's remaining seasons--all seven of them--take place between Sept. 1952 and July 27, 1953, which of course is highly unlikely. M*A*S*H would play fast and loose with various calendar dates all throughout its run.
I love Hawkeye's talk with B.J. in the Officers Club, where he tells him about the two people he just missed, Henry and Trapper. For whatever reason, I was always--and still am--incredibly intrigued at the moments of the show where the former characters were mentioned or referenced.
I really can't tell you why--maybe its because the show seemed to have three very distinct eras--the Hawkeye/Trapper/Henry years, the Hawkeye/B.J/Frank years, and then finally the Hawkeye/B.J/Winchester years, and they all seemed so different that I find it captivating when someone mentions a previous time on the show.
Growing up on the show having a laugh track, I'm simply used to how it sounds, having these weird laughs coming from out of nowhere. On the DVDs, you can turn the laugh track off (a neat feature), but I've found, to me at least, it doesn't make a huge difference.
Except in this episode--in the scene where Hawkeye is trying to get the attention of the Sergeant in charge of the flight manifests. After Hawkeye learns he missed Trapper by just ten minutes, he mutters a small "Thanks" to the Sergeant, and walks out. The Sergeant, not paying Hawkeye any attention, continues to rattle off the silly list of items ("Pickles, pimentos, balls, and cuckoos") to whomever he's speaking to on the phone.
With the laugh track on, the laughs piped in at the reading of the list kind of ruin the scene. But with laugh track off, Hawkeye's sadness and hurt is allowed to hang there, even after he's left the scene. Now, instead of the Sergeant's list being a silly laugh, it feels like a bitter counterpoint to what just happened.
This was M*A*S*H's first hour-long episode.
Favorite Line: This is one of M*A*S*H's finest episodes, in every way (the action scenes are as well executed as a lot of war films), so it was hard picking a favorite line or scene.
But one line that makes me laugh, every time, is when B.J. is telling Hawkeye how and when he learned he was shipping out. While out at dinner with his wife Peg, he says their babysitter Norma Jean took a message for them.
Before B.J. can continue with his story, Hawkeye interrupts him:
Hawkeye: "Wait, wait...Norma Jean? Eighteen?"
B.J.: "Sixteen."
Hawkeye, pounding the bar in mock frustration: "Ooh!"
Season 3, Episode 71: White Gold
Original Air Date: 3/11/75
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Simon Muntner
Directed by: Hy Averback
Its the middle of the night at the 4077th, and everyone is involved in their own activities--Father Mulcahy is praying, Hawkeye and Trapper are with nurses, and Frank and Hot Lips are spending the night together.
Outside, some thieves dressed all in black are sneaking into the Supply Shed.
Klinger, on guard duty, overhears them, and the group splits up. The only one captured is Perkins (Hilly Hicks), who won't say much of anything as to why he and his friends were stealing medical supplies.
The next day, Col. Flagg arrives in camp, on the case of a string of similar robberies. He demands Hawkeye and Trapper turn the patient over to him, but they flatly refuse. He then offers to try and get information from Perkins, but Hawkeye and Trapper try and stop him, saying they prefer to get the info without the use of torture.
Flagg goes ahead anyway, and visits Perkins. But instead of torturing Perkins, he orders him to "take a powder", which he does. Flagg then fakes a fight, smashing up the tent, using his feet, fists...and head.
Hawkeye and Trapper patch Flagg up, but they don't believe his story that Perkins caused all that damage. Later that night, they discover another attempt at someone stealing penicillin--this time it's Col. Flagg!
Flagg says he can use the penicillin to barter with his contacts, to get information about the enemy's movements. That same night, an MP arrests Perkins, and he tells them that he's actually named Johnson, and he works at an aid station, where the penicillin is scarce, if not impossible to find. He's sorry for stealing, and Henry says he could just ask next time.
To keep Johnson safe from Flagg hunting him down, Hawkeye and Trapper come up with a way of sidelining Flagg for a few days. They put some pills in his coffee, which makes Flagg get appendicitis, requiring surgery.
It ends with Flagg recuperating in Post Op, who is sure that Hawkeye and Trapper pulled one over on him.
Fun Facts: This episode's third act storyline--slipping Col. Flagg a mickey so that he'll require surgery--becomes the basis of an entire episode in the seventh season, with very different results.
One of the MPs is played by Stafford Repp, who played Chief O'Hara on Batman. As a kid, I loved seeing two of my favorite shows "cross over" like that.
There's an interesting little aside, which almost sounds like an ad-lib, when Hawkeye and Trapper are putting bandages on Perkins. Hawkeye is cutting the gauze, and Trapper is putting it on the patient. Trapper holds one of the pieces up and says "Hey, cut these longer."
Hawkeye replies, "There supposed to be this short", to which Trapper mutters "No, they're not." Its such an extraneous piece of dialog, I wonder if it was in the original teleplay.
There's a tense scene between Henry and Frank about whether it was justified, allowing Flagg to torture Perkins. Frank is pro, Henry is most definitely not. Wow, an episode featuring a discussion about whether torture is morally justifiable or not. Thank goodness that issue's been settled.
Favorite Line: Col. Flagg proudly states he has official authority to do anything necessary to crack the case--and to die in the line of duty if necessary.
Hawkeye and Trapper find that all very funny. Trapper says, "Hey, that's the spirit." Hawkeye adds, "Yeah, if we had more men like you we'd have less men like you."
Season 3, Episode 67: Aid Station
Original Air Date: 2/11/75
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Simon Muntner
Directed by: William Jurgensen
An aid station at the front sends a message to the 4077th that their surgeon has been killed, and they need the immediate help of a surgeon, a nurse, and a corpsman.
Hot Lips volunteers, but the doctors end up drawing straws--actually, moldy sausages left over from breakfast, picked from a bed pan--with Hawkeye being the one to go. They then pick a corpsman, and Klinger gets picked.
All three of them are clearly rattled about going to the front--Hawkeye tells Trapper there's a will in his locker. Trapper accepts the news with quiet seriousness, although the mood is lightened when Hawkeye says he wants everything donated to the "Benjamin Pierce Memorial Brothel." Trapper promises to deliver the items in person.
On the way to the front, the jeep blows a tire, and its Hot Lips who fixes it. They get shelled, too, but they finally make it to the aid station, which has no roof due to shelling.
Hawkeye, Hot Lips, and Klinger work furiously, trying to give attention to all the patients streaming in. Back at the 4077th, the place is quiet--too quiet. Radar is so depressed he asks to sleep in The Swamp, and Henry wanders in for a nightcap, but ends up sitting alongside Radar well into the night.
After a night of sleeping in a ditch, Hawkeye, Hot Lips, and Klinger head back, with each of them having a better understanding of one another. They even stop for a moment to tell Hot Lips how great she is, something she seems to appreciate. Klinger, a top flight corpsman, pauses to put a dainty pillbox hat back on his head, ready to "rejoin the Army."
Back at the 4077th, Trapper and Frank complain about the poor conditions, like the bad food. Hawkeye and Hot Lips give each other a knowing nod, realizing they never had it so good.
Fun Facts: This episode divides the cast in an interesting, if totally accidental way. The characters that go to the front--Hawkeye, Hot Lips, and Klinger--are the ones who end up staying on the show until the final episode. The scenes back in the camp feature Trapper, Frank, Henry, and Radar, all of whom would leave the show during its run.
This is Klinger's biggest role in an episode to date, and Jamie Farr delivers a more nuanced performance than we have seen to this point. His fear of being killed (in a scene with Radar in his tent) is palpable.
Interesting note: this is the first time we see Klinger's tent. He seems to live alone, a curious amount of space given just one enlisted man!
There's a moment during an O.R. scene where Henry chastises Frank, and Frank mutters under his breath "Oh, mind your own business", an interesting little bit of rebellion from the normally hierarchy-obsessed Burns.
Favorite Line: After Frank makes a snide crack about Trapper letting Radar sleep in The Swamp, Henry responds with: "Frank, it's after five. You can stop being snotty."
Season 3, Episode 65: The Consultant
Original Air Date: 1/21/75
Written by: Robert Klane, Larry Gelbart
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
Hawkeye and Trapper go to Seoul for a medical conference, and while they're there, they meet Major Anthony Borelli (Robert Alda), a doctor (and veteran of two previous wars) who is acting as a medical consultant.
They hit it off, and Borelli is intrigued by the challenge that working at the 4077th presents. Hawkeye invites him to come visit sometime.
Later, Hawkeye and Trapper, back at the 4077, are shocked to see that Borelli has come to visit. Everyone treats him like visiting royalty, and he's helpful in surgery when a mass of wounded arrive, even when bombs are going off right outside.
Frank prepares to amputate a crushed leg, but Borelli says that it can be saved with a arterial transplant, something no one at the 4077th has ever done. Frank is against it, of course, but Henry goes ahead, giving Radar the order to search other units for a usable transplant.
They find one at a British unit, and Hawkeye and Trapper go get it. When they get back, Hawkeye is excited at the idea of trying this, even though Borelli will be doing the surgery. The only problem is...in the meantime, Borelli has gotten drunk.
Hawkeye confronts him in The Swamp, and Borelli explains that he had forgotten how unnerving being this close to the real war can be, and he can't handle it. He insists Hawkeye can do the surgery, even though he's never done it before.
Hawkeye and Trapper perform the surgery, and its a success. Later, Hawkeye berates Borelli for being drunk when he was needed. Borelli admits to that, and doesn't try to excuse his behavior, but points out Hawkeye's homemade still ("What's that you're leaning on, doctor, a bubblegum machine?") and wishes him better luck on his third war.
Fun Facts: When asked if he'll be missed back in Tokyo, Borelli reminds them that his rank is honorary, and says "What are they going to do, bust me from a Mister down to a Miss?"--not a line that will rank as one of the show's most pro-feminist exchanges.
The syndicated version of this episode ends with the tense scene between Hawkeye and Borelli, ending the episode on a very down note. But the original, uncut version has one more scene, with everyone--except Hawkeye--wishing Borelli a fond goodbye.
Just before Borelli's chopper takes off, though, Hawkeye shows up, tips his hat to him, putting a smile on Borelli's face, giving the episode a slightly more upbeat finale. This kind of editing--where the whole tone of the episode is altered in some way--would come in to play in numerous episodes.
Favorite Line: Henry tells Borelli that the 4077th treated almost 5,000 patients in less than two months. Borelli is amazed at that staggering number, and Hawkeye adds: "Well, I had help of course."
Season 3, Episode 64: Bulletin Board
Original Air Date: 1/14/75
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Simon Muntner
Directed by: Alan Alda
This episode revolves, informally, around the camp bulletin board, as we see some of the various events taking place at the 4077th that are announced on the board.
Henry gives the camp a lecture about sex, and a pledge for people to buy war bonds is posted.
Hot Lips asks Frank to borrow some money for her sister, and he refuses, causing all kinds of problems between them.
Trapper writes a letter home to his daughter Becky, telling her about his life at the 4077th, including just how bad a doctor Frank is (he writes off a patient as dead, one that Trapper saves when he realizes he's suffering from Hypothermia).
The night's movie is announced--a Shirley Temple picture--and a fight between Klinger and Zale breaks out during it.
Later, Henry has trouble with a patient, and his mood sours. When Hawkeye and Trapper show him the announcement about a picnic to raise money for Sister Theresa's orphanage, he initially refuses.
But he eventually changes his mind, and the 4077th actually manages to have fun during the picnic--playing music, performing a puppet show for the kids, having an egg race, a sack race, and then finally a tug of war contest, officers vs. enlisted. (In the meantime, Hot Lips doesn't take too well to Frank's offer of a loan...at a small, "very reasonable" interest rate)
Just as everyone ends up in the pile of mud, Radar hears the sound of choppers, ending everyone's fun.
Later, in surgery, Henry quietly suggests that having the picnic was a good idea. Hawkeye and Trapper, happy to hear Henry not sounding so down, agree.
Fun Facts: Hot Lips mentions that her father is dead in this episode, something that conflicts slightly with his appearance in a 9th season episode. She also mentions her sister, a character never referred to again.
The portion of the episode with Trapper writing a letter to Becky is the closest the series got to a "Dear..." episode, narrated this time by Trapper.
Watch the tug of war scene, especially when everyone ends up in the mud. Everyone--even Frank Burns--starts to laugh, and it looks like at a certain point the scene became entirely ad-libbed.
Speaking of that scene, in the original version, everyone watches Radar as he seems to sense chopper approaching. Covered in mud, he simply nods his head, and then starts to walk towards the camp. With his back to the camera, we hear him say "Choppers!", which gets everyone else moving.
In the syndicated edit, someone has taken Radar's "Choppers!" line, and dropped it over the previous shot, even though its clear that Radar's mouth isn't moving.
Favorite Line: The episode opens with Hawkeye and Trapper playing with one of those rubber ball and paddle sets, and Hawkeye, going first, hits the ball about 70 times in a row.
Trapper then boasts he can do it better than that, and takes paddle. After one and a half hits, the ball misses and flops to the side, causing Hawkeye to laugh.
Trapper, angrily says, "What'd you do, change balls on me?", which causes Hawkeye to laugh even louder. Me too.
Season 3, Episode 58: There Is Nothing Like A Nurse
Original Air Date: 11/19/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart
Directed by: Hy Averback
During a tense moment in O.R., Hot Lips comes down hard on one of her nurses, and demands that Henry put her on "Bed Arrest"--other than during duty and mealtimes, Nurse Baker has to sit on her the foot of her bed, at attention, for a week!
After Henry dismisses Hot Lips and her idea, she grows enraged at Henry and storms out, threatening to "Go over your head--again!"
As if that wasn't bad enough, Radar receives a message saying the 4077th might be under enemy attack shortly, so all the nurses are to be shipped out to a safer location. Frank responds to the news by insisting trenches be dug all over the compound.
With all the women gone, the 4077th is a grim(mer) place. All the men are depressed, and sessions in O.R. are a mess. Captain Spaulding sings a sad song about how much they miss the women. Hawkeye and Trapper get so bored they park a jeep over Frank while he's in one of his own fox holes, so they can watch a mysterious roll of film that's under his bed.
They watch it in Henry's office, and Hawkeye, Trapper, Henry, Radar, and Klinger fall out of their chairs laughing at what they see: this is a film of Frank's wedding!
It's a depressing affair, with Frank looking like a grinning moron, and his soon-to-be bride looking miserable and stone-faced. They all make comments, Mystery Science Theatre 3000-style, admonishing Frank not to get married, and suggesting what their wedding night is going to be like.
The film ends just as Frank bursts in, saying the air raid they've been expecting has arrived. Except that the air raid is nothing more than Five O'Clock Charlie, ineffectual as always!
Henry orders Radar to tell the nurses to come back ASAP. They arrive the next morning, to the grateful men of the 4077th.
Fun Facts: The scenes of Frank's wedding is one my all-time favorite sequences on M*A*S*H, ever. Its so goofy and bizarre, and yet explains nearly everything you need to know about why Frank is the way he is. It must have been fun for Larry Linville to get to do a few scenes wearing something other than his fatigues.
Actress Jeanne Schulherr plays Mrs. Burns, but she has no lines of dialog. This same actress played 4077 nurses in two other episodes from this season.
Favorite Line: When Trapper suggests watching the roll of film under Frank's bunk, Hawkeye initially suggests "Its probably just a movie of Frank's parents being told he died at birth."
Season 3, Episode 53: O.R.
Original Air Date: 10/8/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Laurence Marks
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
A grueling session in O.R. leads to all kinds of tense and unusual situations
A patient asks to write a letter to his wife, confessing to numerous infidelities, before he goes under. Father Mulcahy takes dictation, but Trapper admonishes him not to send it--"He's gonna pull through."
Frank, feeling the pressure of all the wounded, almost removes the one remaining kidney of a patient before Trapper steps in. Hawkeye performs open-heart massage, pulling a patient back from the brink of death.
Henry has to deal with a patient so badly wounded that, if he starts work, will mean the loss of other, less mortally wounded patients. He grimly decides not to go ahead, basically allowing the solider to die.
Trapper and Frank have a surprisingly candid talk while taking a few minutes off, where Trapper gets a hint of what kind of boy Frank was growing up, turning him into the man he is today. Trapper displays some sympathy, but only goes so far..
There's so many wounded that when Sidney Freedman arrives for a the weekly poker game, he is put to work performing surgery.
Later, Hawkeye is told the patient he worked so hard to save has died in Post Op, leaving him temporarily demoralized, unable to continue working. Sidney gives him a bit of a pep talk, and Hawkeye dutifully goes back to work. To top things off, a fire breaks out on a piece of electrical wiring, but a quick-thinking Trapper puts it out.
After all the wounded are taken care of, we are left with Hawkeye and Trapper, almost completely passed out, as the P.A. announcer tells of a change-up in the command structure, one General succeeding another, ending with "No one's succeeding us...at all."
Fun Facts: Except for an opening scene in the Scrub Room, this episode takes place entirely in the O.R. In addition, there is no laugh track anywhere in the show.
Sidney Freedman's little speech "Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice--pull down your pants, and slide on the ice", will be repeated in M*A*S*H's very last episode, as Freedman's final exit line.
This episode is not generally listed on any "Ten Best" list from the series, but its one of my all-time favorites: taking place entirely in the O.R., with no laugh track, it feels very different than all the other episodes. While there are some genuine laughs, overall its a very grim episode, with a downbeat ending--yet its that very grimness that, to me, makes this episode so compelling.
Favorite Line: During Hawkeye and Henry's heart-to-heart outside the O.R.: "Wars don't last forever, Henry. Only War does."
Season 3, Episode 52: Iron Guts Kelly
Original Air Date: 10/1/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Sid Dorfman
Directed by: Don Weis
The 4077th is visited by yet another blustery general, Gen. Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly (the great James Gregory) and his assistant, Col. Wortman (Keene Curtis).
Gen. Kelly takes a real shine to Hot Lips, and during a late night drink at the Officers Club, he instructs Col. Wortman to get a tour of the 4077's "Motor pool set-up" from Frank--hopefully taking a couple of hours in the process. Wortman gets the idea, though it takes Henry a little longer to understand what's going on.
A few hours later, Hot Lips bursts into The Swamp, desperately needing help from Hawkeye and Trapper. After initially refusing, they go to her tent, where they find a deceased Gen. Kelly, who died in...mid-performance.
While trying to figure out what to do, Frank arrives. She is shocked to see Hawkeye and Trapper there, playing cards with Hot Lips. Unusual, to say the least.
After getting rid of Frank by pretending to have a headache, Hawkeye and Trapper sneak Gen. Kelly's body out of Margaret's tent, and into Col. Wortman's tent. They tell him what happened (sort of), and he demands that Gen. Kelly has to die "More meaningfully"--in the middle of a battle. He demands the doctors sign a death certificate to that effect, but they refuse.
He threatens them with a court-martial, but since they have the truth on their side, they're not scared. He finally convinces them to put the body in an ambulance, and he'll drive it to the front where there's some fighting.
After putting the body in an ambulance, it drives off, filled with "Business Girls" who some local MPs have arrested. Wortman asks where the ambulance is, and the doctors thought he took it.
Henry finally storms in, wondering why everyone seems to be up in the middle of the night. As Hawkeye and Trapper try to explain, they get a call from the front, saying that Gen. Kelly has been found dead in an ambulance filled with girls.
Wortman takes the phone, and tells the soldier on the other end to take the body to a sector where Wortman order an attack on--with rockets and jets--so Kelly will die "A full-scale, blazing, all-out, glorious, star-spangled-bannered death."
Henry, confused, asks Hawkeye and Trapper if he understands what's happening: is Col. Wortman trying to kill a man who's already dead? Hawkeye and Trapper answer yes, and head back to The Swamp.
Fun Facts: Having the same name as the General, I tried for years to get people to call me "Iron Guts", with no luck.
Favorite Line: Hawkeye and Trapper refuse to sign Col. Wortman's idea of a death certificate for Gen. Kelly, even after he hits them with a Zen saying about how Generals always die in battle.
Hawkeye: "There's another Zen saying: 'Only doctors with holes in heads fill out death certificates like gift vouchers.'"
Season 3, Episode 50: Rainbow Bridge
Original Air Date: 9/17/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Laurence Marks
Directed by: Hy Averback
Hawkeye and Trapper prepare for three days R&R in Tokyo. But their anticipation is cut-short when a supply of plasma arrives, meaning there will soon be a bunch of casualties to put the plasma into.
Its an extraordinarily heavy load--around 400 wounded in three days--and everyone is exhausted. While Hawkeye and Trapper fight with Frank and Hot Lips in the Mess Tent, Henry arrives saying they just got a message from the Chinese--a group of wounded American soldiers require more assistance than they can provide, so they are offering the 4077th the chance to come and get them. The only problem is the Chinese unit is just pass The Rainbow Bridge, which is five miles inside the Chinese border.
Frank and Hot Lips think its a trap, but Hawkeye and Trapper insist they go, saying they shouldn't waste this humanitarian offer. Henry agrees, and soon Hawkeye, Trapper, Frank (goaded into going by Hot Lips, who think there might be a promotion in this), Radar, and Klinger are on a bus, headed for the border.
Once they arrive, they meet the Chinese commanding officer, Dr. Ling Tan (legendary character actor Mako). The Chinese insisted the doctors not bring any guns, but of course Frank hasn't listened. In a tense moment, he goes for his gun, causing Tan to break the deal.
Hawkeye and Trapper talk him out of it, and demand Frank give up his firearm. They all laugh--even the Chinese soldiers with their Russian rifles pointed at the doctors--when they see Frank is carrying a miniscule gun, barely more than a pea-shooter.
The air cleared, Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar, and Klinger collect the wounded, and head home.
Later that day, Hawkeye and Trapper prepare for their delayed R&R trip, but pass out in their bunks from exhaustion. Radar covers them with blankets, wishing them a good night.
Fun Facts: This episode opens up with singer/songwriter Loudon Wainwright III playing Captain Spaulding, singing an original song, "North Korean Blues." Its repeated in the middle of episode, and at the end--this is the closest M*A*S*H would ever get to a musical episode.
Related to that, this episode features an extraordinarily-directed sequence. After the bus drives off, the camera follows a worried Henry as he walks across the compound. Off-camera, we hear Capt. Spaulding play his song, and as Henry continues to walk, he passes Spaulding, providing a sort of Greek chorus for the show:
..its a wonderfully moody, well-composed sequence, timed just right, with an effective use of the song.
This would be first of many appearances by character actor Mako, always playing a different part.
Favorite Line: This episode is full of great lines, but my particular favorite is whe Hawkeye is on the bus, waiting while Trapper goofily embraces Hot Lips in a mock romantic gesture.
Hawkeye: "As for me, I think Ralph Bellamy said it best: 'If I can't get the girl, at least give me more money.'"
Season 2, Episode 48: A Smattering of Intelligence
Original Air Date: 3/2/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Laurence Marks
Directed by: Larry Gelbart
After some wounded arrive, a chopper crashes--but the only person wounded is Col. Flagg (Edward Winter), who has a broken arm. Flagg is a uber-tough guy, refusing any pain medication and not finding Capt. Pierce funny at all.
After being bandaged up, Flagg goes to see Henry and admits who he is, including a list of all his multiple aliases. Flagg says he can't officially have been at the 4077, so Henry has to doctor the paperwork.
Later, an old friend of Trapper's arrives, Vinnie Pratt (Bill Fletcher). He tells them that he's part of G2, and he's here to follow up on what Flagg is doing. He reveals that each branch of the U.S. intelligence community investigates one other, which Hawkeye and Trapper find ridiculous and a giant waste of time. Henry is also displeased when he meets Pratt, and just wants the 4077th left out of all this skullduggery.
Flagg's arm heals, but to stay in camp he smashes it, breaking it all over again! He then sends a ridiculously coded message to his superiors, which Hawkeye, Trapper, and Pratt intercept.
To have some fun, Hawkeye and Trapper drop hints that maybe Frank is worth looking into--after all, wouldn't someone with something to hide be as gung ho patriotic as possible?
To lead them on futher, they doctor Frank's file with all sort of incriminating details, which Flagg finds. Then they replace it with a second file, which Pratt finds.
Later, both Flagg and Pratt come to arrest Burns, each for different and conflicting reasons. Frank insists he's innocent, but both Flagg and Pratt aren't moved.
Just as they're about to carry Frank off, Hawkeye and Trapper admit this was all their doing, and they did it just to highlight how wasteful and silly all this spy stuff is. Flagg isn't happy, but Pratt takes it a little better.
Wounded arrive, leaving Flagg and Pratt in The Swamp. They decide to get some coffee, but not before Pratt takes some pictures of The Swamp with a tiny camera.
The episode ends with Col. Flagg's report on M*A*S*H 4077, which "Strongly suggests further observation."
Fun Facts: This is actor Edward Winter's second appearance on the show, but his first as Col. Flagg. Trapper's pal Pratt is never heard from again, but of course Col. Flagg would come back to the visit 4077 several times.
I love how Col. Flagg is in a permanent, pseudo-tough guy squint in his every appearance. Winter's performance--and the show's take on the character--is an example of the concept of the Anti-Comic.
While Hawkeye, Trapper, etc., using humor to repeatedly goof on the whole notion of Authority, and point out the stupidity of violence, bloodshed, and a blinding, unquestioning obedience to one's leaders, Winter's Col. Flagg embodies all those traits--he doesn't make a joke, because he is the joke. He and Archie Bunker would have gotten along great.
In the last scene with Flagg and Pratt, Pratt calls Flagg "Sam." Is this really Col. Flagg's first name, or yet another alias?
This is the final show of the second season.
Favorite Line: When tells Trapper: "You really hit me below the belt", Trapper responds with: "Come see me, I do hernias."
