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Season 7, Episode 163: Hot Lips is Back In Town
Original Air Date: 1/29/79
Written by: Larry Balmagia, Bernard Dilbert, and Gary Markowitz
Directed by: Charles Dubin
The medical staff is having a meeting in the Mess Tent, when its interrupted by a mail call. Everyone gets something, Margaret's being the biggest of all: her divorce is now official.
She seems stunned, and insists she's happy. But when wounded arrive, Hawkeye has to snap her out of her daze. During OR, she's a little short-tempered and all business. Hawkeye and B.J. offer to take her out for drinks in the O Club, which she accepts, and they all get pie-eyed.
In the middle of the night, a bubbly, cheery Margaret visits Col. Potter in his tent, rededicating herself to a career in the Army. She's got all kinds of ideas how to improve things at the 4077th, which Potter, desperate to go back to sleep, readily agrees to.
The next morning, Margaret announces that she has a new plan for the nurses to take over in Triage, freeing the doctors to get to work immediately. Also, she's invited an old friend, Gen. Lyle Weiskopf, to come to the 4077th and inspect the unit's new procedures. Potter flatly refuses to go along, but its too late: he's already on his way. Hawkeye mutters, "It's going to be a real fun weekend."
The next day, Gen. Weiskopf (Walter Brooke) arrives, just in time for wounded to arrive. The nurses perform their new tasks flawlessly.
Later, Weiskopf and Margaret meet for drinks back in her tent. He seems more interested in going back to the "good old days"--namely, when he and Margaret were an item, and Margaret was "Hot Lips."
Margaret is confused and angry, wanting to talk about her plans to improve medical procedures--not just at the 4077th, but maybe in the entire Theater of Operations. Weiskopf goes along, but he makes it clear that while he'd promote Margaret to Colonel, he expects her to go back to being his mistress, with her grandiose plans being much less important.
Margaret, realizing Weiskopf only wants one thing, demands he leave. He protests, saying she's making a big mistake, but Margaret insists. Alone in her tent, she raises a glass, and toasts herself for standing her ground: "Here's to me."
Fun Facts: Gen. Weiskopf is really a sleazebag here. He's willing to promote Margaret to Colonel, just as long as she's his mistress. Yeesh.
Hawkeye and B.J. interrupt Winchester's triage demonstration to the nurses with a comedy bit right out of the show's early years: they storm in, dressed in full costume, as "Gen. Lyle Dumbkopf" and his faithful aide.
Favorite Line: Radar comes to the nurses tent to express his interest in a new nurse, Lt. Nugent (Peggy Lee Brennan). Mustering up his courage, he tells the other nurse in the tent, Lt. Baker (Jan Jorden) that he's going to stay there and say his piece, despite what anyone says.
Baker finds all this amusing, sarcastically calling Radar "Corporal Hellcat." She turns to Lt. Nugent, and says, "I'll be outside if you need me."
Turning to Radar, she says, "That goes for you, too."
Season 5, Episode 98: Margaret's Engagement
Original Air Date: 9/28/76
Written by: Gary Markowitz
Directed by: Alan Alda
Hot Lips calls Col. Potter from Tokyo, where even though its early in the morning, she's still at a raucous party. She promises she has big news, which she'll reveal when she gets back to the 4077th.
The doctors discuss it during surgery, and Frank insists it'll be a promotion.
The next day, Margaret returns, with her news: she's engaged! She shows off her ring, and the photo of her husband-to-be: Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott, of West Point.
Hot Lips also has a medical report to deliver, and Col. Potter calls a staff meeting in the Mess Tent. At the end of the meeting, she tells Frank the news. Hawkeye, B.J., Col. Potter, and Radar tense up, preparing for Frank to explode, but he surprises them: he's gracious, kind, and congratulates Hot Lips.
As the doctors stand there, stunned, Frank walks off, ripping the doors of the Mess Tent as he leaves the tent. Uh-oh.
Afterwards, Frank appears to be normal, but little things slip out: all of sudden, he laughs heartily at Hawkeye's jokes, and is deliberately kind to Radar. Things get worse when he "accidentally" stab Hot Lips during surgery.
That night, Frank comes to visit Hot Lips in her tent. Things go okay at first, but then Frank loses it, and practically attacks Hot Lips. She slaps him silly, calling him a coward. Frank, enraged at being called a coward, storms out.
In the middle of the night, we see Frank dressed in fatigues, armed with a rifle. In a moment of idiotic bravado, he pulls the pin on a grenade, scrambling to find it on the floor after he's realized what he's done. Hawkeye and B.J. lay asleep just a few feet away.
The next morning, Hawkeye and B.J. are troubled to find Frank gone--and even more troubled when they see he took his gun and his toothbrush. "Shooting his mouth off again", B.J. offers.
Then they all see Frank march into camp with "war prisoners"--a Korean family, including small children and their ox. Potter has had enough, and he orders Frank to his office.
Hawkeye, B.J., and Potter try and talk Frank down, but he won't listen--he's testy and wired, pacing back and forth. He gets mad when Potter mentions Frank is headed for a Section 8, but Radar comes in at the right moment to tell him there's a call from Frank's mom.
Frank takes the call, and he breaks down telling his mom about what's happened. His exhaustion finally catches up him, and he passes out right there on the phone. Hawkeye and B.J. carry him back to the Swamp.
The next day, Hot Lips is still going on--loudly--about her dashing Col. Penobscott. The doctors sit down next to her, and Frank asks Hawkeye about going out on a double date that night.
When Frank mentions what nurse he's interested in, Hot Lips sneers and says "Isn't she a little young for you?" Frank retorts with, "I don't know...I thought a little youth would be good for a change."
Hawkeye and B.J. sit in wide-eyed horror, until Hot Lips gets up and leaves. Then they and Frank have a big laugh together--a rare event indeed.
Fun Facts: Frank, preparing for he thinks is a date with Hot Lips, starts applying talc to his torso, while humming a tune, and clucking like a chicken. The look on Hawkeye and B.J's faces are priceless, as they can't believe what they're seeing and hearing.
There's an amazing scene with Frank, as he talks to his Mom back home. He mentions "a friend" who only "pretended to like me...you know, like the way Dad used to." An absolutely chilling line, and a great insight as to why Frank is the way he is.
Favorite Line: When Hot Lips tells Col. Potter that Col. Trumwater is at a party she's at in Tokyo, he mentions that Trumwater has "The worst toupee in the Asian theatre."
We then see Trumwater hand a drink to Hot Lips, and indeed his toupee is awful. Hot Lips mentions that she has big news, and Potter replies: "It must be pretty big if Ol' Throw Rug is there."
Season 4, Episode 91: Some 38th Parallels
Original Air Date: 1/20/76
Written by: John Regier and Gary Markowitz
Directed by: Burt Metcalfe
The 4077th is busy with wounded, all from Col. Coner's unit. Coner is willing to risk the lives of his soldiers in an attempt to retrieve the bodies of the fallen, causing even more casualties.
There's other things going on--Frank gets excited over the idea of selling the 4077th's garbage to local contractors, Radar helps save a patient when he alerts a busy B.J. to a "funny look" on the patient's face, and Hawkeye suffers his first bout of impotence with Nurse Able.
More wounded arrive, along with their commander, the Col. Coner (Kevin Hagen). Hawkeye and B.J. try and talk him out of his determination to risk so many lives, but he dismisses them.
Hawkeye turns to B.J. for advice about his "problem", then Col. Potter. They both give him the same advice--his nerves are so brittle from being at the 4077th, no wonder this is happening. Hawkeye seems unsure.
Frank starts holding garbage auctions, but Hawkeye ends up buying one of the bundles. Later, Hawkeye, B.J., and Col. Potter are in the Mess Tent, when Col. Coner announces he's leaving. He is indifferent to another one of his men dying the night before, rattling off his "kill ratio" as a defense.
As Col. Coner prepares to leave, Hawkeye instructs them all to follow him outside. A chopper flies by, dumping the bundle of garbage right onto Col. Coner, covering him in filth. B.J., Klinger laugh, Frank is mad, and Potter, while smiling, insists he hasn't seen a thing.
This "letting go of the reins" (as Potter put it), invigorates Hawkeye. He searches out Nurse Able, seemingly ready to resume their romance.
Fun Facts: Actor Kevin Hagen would return to M*A*S*H in Season Seven, playing a different, and much more agreeable, character.
Hot Lips makes no appearance in this episode.
Favorite Line: Frank and Col. Potter discuss Frank's idea for selling the 4077th's garbage, and he mentions that "The late Col. Blake said I was the best rubbish officer we'd ever had", beaming with pride.
Potter, mostly to himself, replies, "The man knew talent when he saw it."
I love that line, mostly because its just very funny, but also because, in that moment, Col. Potter realized that his predecessor also knew what an idiot Frank was.
Season 3, Episode 70: Payday
Original Air Date: 3/4/75
Written by: John Regier & Gary Markowitz
Directed by: Hy Averback
It's Pay Day at the 4077th, and its Hawkeye's turn to dole out the cash.
While waiting in line, Frank accosts Klinger for not being in uniform while receiving his pay, which is an Army regulation. Klinger begs Frank to let him pass, but of course Frank is having none of it, forcing Klinger out of line.
Later, Klinger tries to sneak back and get paid, but Frank catches him again. He demands Hawkeye not dish out Klinger's pay, but Hawkeye cheerfully ignores him.
At the end of the day, Hawkeye reveals their was ten dollars extra left over. Hawkeye doesn't think its any big deal, but Radar is terrified of all the paperwork he's going to have to fill out because of the extra money. Hawkeye tries to convince Radar to just let it go, and makes an off-hand comment that the Army should pay Hawkeye all the money he's lost, being Korea instead of private practice.
A few days later, Radar hands Hawkeye $3,000 in cash. When asked where the money came from, Radar informs him that all he did was fill out some paperwork, and the money was sent! Hawkeye refuses the money, but Radar says he can't send it back.
Hawkeye decides to give the money to Father Mulcahy, so he can use it to feed and shelter the orphans at Sister Teresa's. Mulcahy is thrilled and touched by the generous gift.
Later, Captain Sloan (Eldon Quick) shows up, demanding to know where the missing $3,000 is. While Sloan asks Hawkeye where the money is, Trapper steals Hawkeye's watch to use as collateral in a poker game.
He demands Hawkeye return the money, even though its already been spent on the orphans. They go find Henry to try and settle this, which leads them to the poker game.
Trapper wins the big pot, but when he reveals it was based on the value of Hawkeye's stolen watch, Hawkeye hands all of the money over to Captain Sloan, thereby settling up. Trapper is furious, following Hawkeye out of the room, demanding to know what the heck just happened to his "once in a lifetime shot."
Fun Facts: This is actor Eldon Quick's second appearance on the show as Captain Sloan, having previously appeared in the episode "The Incubator."
Favorite Line: After Hawkeye hands all of Trapper's poker winnings to Sloan, Sloan mentions they are eight dollars over. Hawkeye claims it, as payment for use of his watch, four dollars an hour.
When Trapper protests that he only had the watch for one hour, Hawkeye responds with: "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll get it fixed."
Season 1, Episode 46: George
Original Air Date: 2/16/74
Written by: John Regier and Gary Markowitz
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
Amid the wounded that have just arrived, one of them is covered in bruises. Hawkeye worries, realizing those aren't the kind of bruises one gets in combat.
While Henry and Frank argue over whether a patient should get a week's R&R in Tokyo (Henry pro, Frank con, of course), Hawkeye's patient--a quiet guy named George--asks if he can talk to Hawkeye privately.
George wants to discharged as soon as possible and get back to his unit. Hawkeye tries to dissuade him, but George insists he wants to go back to combat. When pressed, George admits why: he says that two guys got beat up in his unit--"One colored, and one homosexual."
George insists that its important to him--now more than ever--that he return to his unit and finish his tour of duty. Hawkeye reluctantly agrees.
Later, Frank comes back to The Swamp, acting coy about something "Very interesting" that he's learned about a certain person. He tells that them Pvt. Weston is "One of those in camp", which gives Frank the willies.
Frank insists Weston is a pervert and a creampuff, even though Weston asked--demanded--to return to combat, and has been wounded in the line of duty four times.
He then has Weston moved off of his surgical schedule, and tells Hot Lips why. They both prepare to bring Weston up on charges, so Hawkeye and Trapper prepare a plan to thwart Frank.
They pretend to have an argument in The Swamp, with Trapper now saying he agrees with Frank about Weston. Frank is happy to have support, and they confide in one another, with Trapper--after Hawkeye's prodding--telling him that he cheated on his medical exams.
Frank, forgetting himself, admits he did, too. This enrages Hawkeye, who basically trade blackmail for blackmail, saying if Frank goes ahead with the paperwork on Weston, Hawkeye will report that Frank cheated on his exams.
When Frank looks for comfort from Trapper, Trapper says he was just kidding. Frank, feeling trapped, tears up the paperwork, defeated.
Fun Facts: Had the phrase been around at the time, this episode could've been called "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
An amazingly progressive episode, especially when you think of when it aired, "George" manages to presage almost all the arguments about homosexuality--both in and out of the military--that are currently debated nowadays. Frank insists George, because he's gay, is a "creampuff", yet he's a brave combat soldier, something of course Frank could never be.
In the scene with Hot Lips, Hawkeye explains that Frank's pulse "Does the cha-cha" every time he's around Weston. Frank snaps, "What's that supposed to mean?!", hinting at the idea that anyone so rabidly anti-gay must have some deep-seated issue about homosexuality, independent of political ideology.
After Frank storms out of The Swamp, saying he's going to report Weston, Hawkeye talks to the picture of Frank's mother, saying that he's sorry to report that her son "Suffers from terminal righteousness." He bites off the olive on the toothpick in his martini with a snap, and his face contorts into a look of utter disgust. In this moment, at least, he absolutely hates Frank Burns.
Favorite Line: When Frank walks into The Swamp and acts all coy about "Knowing something about a certain person", Hawkeye asks "Is this person a well-stacked US Army Major nurse, who's bigger than a breadbox and you're seeing on the side?"
Frank, forgetting himself for a moment, answers just as coyly, "No...", then he catches himself, offended: "No!"
Again, not a line that reads funny, but Larry Linville's reading of it is priceless.
