skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Season 11, Episode 251: Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen
Original Air Date: 2/28/83
Written by: Alan Alda, Burt Metcalfe, John Rappaport, Dan Wilcox & Thad Mumford, Elias Davis & David Pollock, Karen Hall
Directed by: Alan Alda
This episode opens in a location we've never seen--the Army psychiatric hospital where Sidney Freedman works. We find him in the middle of a session with a patient, except the patient is...Hawkeye.
Sidney is trying to get to the bottom of something that happened involving a trip most of the camp took to the beach. But Hawkeye is in no mood to talk--all he's interested in is getting out, pronto. When everyone back at the 4077th calls him to lift his spirits, that's all he talks about to them, as well.
There's rumors of the peace talks progressing, to the point of ending the war once and for all. Margaret seems so confident that she starts planning what she's going to be doing after the war, which initially involves her working at an administrative post in Tokyo.
She tries to share her good news with Winchester, who is less than interested--partly because he's learned that his application to be Chief of Thoracic Surgery in Boston may be turned down, but mostly because he's suffering from a stomach ailment, causing an acute bout of intestinal distress.
All this is tabled when a tank comes tearing onto the compound, flailing wildly, eventually crashing into the Latrine, causing Winchester to wander off, panicked.
Margaret begins to berate the tank driver, but when he emerges from it, she sees he's severely wounded. Soon, she is assisting Col. Potter in OR working on the young man.
Meanwhile, the construction of the new Latrine is going so slowly (what would you expect, with Igor in charge?) that Winchester is forced to use, as Col. Potter so delicately puts it, "The ravine latrine."
Left with no other options, Winchester heads out into the woods, where he runs into five North Korean soldiers. He begs for mercy, until he sees what they are carrying aren't guns, but...musical instruments. "By God, they're musicians", he says to himself, astonished. They follow Winchester back to the 4077th, looking to turn themselves in.
Back at the hospital, Sidney and Hawkeye continue to talk, and Hawkeye admits that on the bus they took home, there was a wounded solider. Sidney wonders why Hawkeye didn't mention this before, but Hawkeye has no answers.
Meanwhile, Margaret has Klinger write a telegram to an old friend back at Boston Hospital, looking to help Winchester land his dream job. She's interrupted by Soon Lee, who needs Klinger's help in finding her still-missing parents. They are both interrupted by Col. Potter, who demands Klinger call I-Corps to get help removing the giant tank, still in the middle of the compound.
Winchester, back at the Swamp, tries to listen to some classical music. Its drowned out by the North Korean musicians, and when he demands they stop, they surprise him by playing some Mozart. They're so good it stops Winchester in his tracks, stunned, unable to move even as wounded arrive.
A few days later, B.J. gets a surprise letter from I-Corps--orders to head home! He tells Col. Potter, who thinks it must be some sort of snafu. B.J., afraid to ask I-Corps any further questions, begs to let go. Potter makes him a deal--if B.J. can find a replacement, then he's free to go.
Suddenly, artillery starts to fall, and everyone hides under the tables in the Mess Tent. Unfortunately, all the P.O.W.s imprisoned in the makeshift cell in the compound are sitting ducks. As the bombs get closer, Father Mulcahy runs outside to free them.
He succeeds, but he's too close when one bomb hits, knocking Mulcahy to the ground. Later, B.J. examines him, and Mulcahy learns he's damaged a part of his inner ear. Which, B.J. warns, might lead to Mulcahy losing his hearing completely. Mulcahy, scared to be sent home (and unwilling to leave the orphans "in the lurch"), makes B.J. promise not to tell anyone else.
Meanwhile, Hawkeye starts to slowly reveal what happened that night on the bus--he tells Sidney they came across a North Korean patrol, so they had to turn off the lights and be completely quiet until they pass. Everyone does so, except for a squawking chicken sitting on the lap of a Korean woman. She unable to keep it quiet, endangering everyone's lives.
Back at the 4077th, Soon Lee is determined to keep searching for her parents, even in dangerous areas. Klinger tries to talk her out of it, but she won't listen. Meanwhile, B.J. keeps pestering him to find a replacement surgeon so he can go home.
A day or so later, B.J. comes to visit Hawkeye, but its tense and awkward. B.J. obliquely mentions going home, but when it sets Hawkeye off he clams up about his orders home. When B.J. mentions his daughter Erin, it sends Hawkeye into a raving talking jag, which unnerves B.J. so much he gets Sidney.
Sidney starts an impromptu session, and B.J. departs, but not before awkwardly saying goodbye--realizing it might be the last time he ever sees him.
Sidney and Hawkeye talk, and it eventually comes back to talking about the bus and the chicken. Hawkeye reveals that the woman smothered the chicken to keep it quiet, reducing Hawkeye to anguished tears.
Sidney at first can't understand why this upsets Hawkeye so, until he reveals it wasn't a chicken the woman smothered...it was her own baby. The woman smothered her own baby to save everyone else's life.
Hawkeye is angry and disgusted that Sidney drew that memory out of him, but Sidney says this is good news: "Now we're halfway home."
A couple of days later, Hawkeye assumes he's heading home, but Sidney has disappointing news: he's going back to the 4077th. Hawkeye crumples up the letter to his father telling him he's coming home, tossing it away.
Back at the 4077th, Klinger arranges a flight for B.J. home, having scheduled a replacement surgeon--a Dr. Arnie Jacobsen--to arrive the next day. A chopper arrives, delivering mail. When he mentions he's headed to Kimpo, B.J. bums a ride with him--even though that means he has to leave in five minutes.
With so little time, B.J. only has the chance to give everyone a cursory goodbye. He tries to write a letter to Hawkeye, but can't think of what to say. He finally asks Margaret to talk to Hawkeye for him. Margaret tearfully hugs B.J. goodbye.
Potter watches as B.J.'s boards the chopper, just as Klinger finds him, telling him that I-Corps has rescinded B.J.'s orders. Potter pretends not to hear this, and watches B.J. depart.
As Hawkeye makes his way back to the 4077th, we watch Winchester train his North Korean musicians in the art of classical music, Klinger continue to try and help Soon Lee find her parents, and Margaret accept another offer as to what she's going to do after the war is over.
Wounded arrive just as Hawkeye returns, and he is floored to hear B.J. has left for home. His replacement, Capt. Jacobsen, hasn't arrived either, meaning the 4077th is short handed.
Hawkeye is slow to get back to the old routine. Margaret asks what's wrong, and Hawkeye asks "What could be wrong? I'm about to stick my hands into a kid whose insides look like raw meat loaf, I found out my best friend went home without leaving me so much as a damn note..."
Margaret interrupts, apologizing for B.J., saying how bad he felt about doing that, but Hawkeye cuts her off: "Trapper left without leaving a note, too...is it the war that stinks, or me?"
After the long session in OR, bombs start to fall again. After hiding in a sandbag-fortified Post Op, Hawkeye has had enough--he bolts out onto the compound, ducking artillery blasts. He jumps into the tank, and drives it off into the camp garbage dump, a mile or two away. He returns to the compound to a round of applause...except from Col. Potter and Margaret, who think they need to put in a call to Sidney.
Meanwhile, Soon Lee has taken off to search for her parents, into dangerous areas. Klinger finds her, and promises he will help her find her parents, no matter what. Soon Lee agrees, and heads back to the 4077th with him.
That night, Col. Potter and Klinger spy a fiery glow coming from the hills. Klinger thinks its the sunset, but Potter realizes they're looking east, not west--its a massive forest fire, started by all the falling artillery.
This causes the 4077th to bug out, and move the whole camp down the road. Once they get there, they are met by their new surgeon--B.J.
Turns out that once I-Corps realized their error, they found B.J. in an airport in Guam, and sent him right back to Korea. As frustrated as he is, he's happy to see Hawkeye back. He apologizes to Hawkeye for not leaving a note, but Hawkeye gives him a sarcastic reply.
That night, Klinger reveals his deep feelings for Soon Lee, and asks her to marry him. She accepts, but mentions that she can't leave Korea until she finds her parents. Even after Klinger responds "that could be months...years", she remains adamant. At an impasse, Klinger departs.
The next day, the camp has a picnic for the kids in the local orphanage, and Sidney arrives to talk to Hawkeye. Hawkeye admits to being terrified to perform surgery again.
A few days later, Winchester's North Korean musicians are shipped out, over his protestations. With a truce seemingly near, all the POWs are being shipped out. Winchester, sad but accepting, watches the truck they're in depart down the road, as the five musicians play Mozart, the sound getting quieter and quieter.
Heading back to the Swamp, Winchester is stopped in his tracks when the P.A. makes an announcement: the truce has been signed, hostilities will end in 12 hours: "The war is over!"
Just as everyone breaks into hysterical cheers, wounded arrive, snapping the 4077th back to work. Amid the chaos, Potter announces I-Corps wants them back to their original location, with the bug out commencing after the session in OR.
Making their way back, everyone is sad to see their former home burnt to a crisp, with the metal hospital left charred and stained. Potter takes a look around, and then announces, "Okay, boys and girls...let's go to work."
The next day, everyone goes through their last OR session, where they talk about what the first thing is they want when they get home. They are discouraged as they listen to reporter Robert Pierpoint give the sad totals of the war--how many dead, how many wounded, how many left homeless, how much money spent.
During a break, Hawkeye and B.J. talk in the Mess Tent, where Hawkeye admits the only thing he's going to miss about the 4077th is B.J. B.J. promises to keep in contact, "One year Peg and I will come east", but his tone underlines the uncertainty they both feel about ever seeing each other again.
Hawkeye mocks B.J. a bit over this, trying to get him to actually say the word "goodbye." B.J. refuses, and walks off.
More wounded arrive, and Winchester does triage. He is stunned when he sees one of the wounded--who is inevitably going to die from his injuries--is one of the North Korean musicians. He asks what happened to the rest, but is grimly told the one lying before him, "Is the only one that made it this far."
Crushed, he wanders into the Swamp and puts on some Mozart. He listens to it for a few seconds, then angrily grabs the record, smashing it into pieces.
As the session in OR continues, Sidney quietly follows asks how Hawkeye is doing. When Hawkeye feels confident enough to work on a small wounded child, Sidney knows Hawkeye will be fine.
As he makes his exit, he says goodbye to everyone. He stops at the door, turns, and says, "You know I told you people something a long time ago, and its just as pertinent today as it was then: ladies and gentlemen, take my advice--pull down your pants, and slide on the ice." With that, Sidney Freedman departs.
Moments later, the official end of the war is heard when the guns go silent. Robert Pierpoint announces: "There it is--that's the sound of Peace." Everyone pauses for a moment, then goes back to work.
The next night--the last night they'll have together--the 4077th holds a huge dinner in the Mess Tent to announce what each of them will be doing once they get home.
Col. Potter goes first, saying he'll be a semi-retired country doctor, but most of the time, he'll be "Mrs. Potter's Mr. Potter." Kellye follows, saying she's found a position in a hospital back home in Honolulu.
Rizzo announces his plans to breed frogs for french restaurants, much to everyone's hysterics. Hawkeye follows, planning to return to Crabapple Cove, and having the time to talk to his patients, and "get to know them." Igor plans to be a pig farmer, to which Rizzo asks, "What do you mean, 'gonna be'?"
Nurse Bigelow, after being a nurse at the tail end of WWII, and then Korea, quietly admits, "You know something? I've had it."
Potter asks Winchester, who initially gives a bloodless answer about being Chief of Thoracic Surgery, so his life "Will go on pretty much as I expected." He begins to sit down, but then stops, admitting, "For me, music was always a refuge from this miserable experience...now it will always be a...reminder."
Margaret announces she's worked through a number of offers, but has decided to work in the States, in a hospital. She tearfully thanks her nurses for their superb work.
Klinger is last, and he announces that he and Soon Lee are getting married! He then points out the one problem is that she won't leave until she finds her parents. So, he admits, "I don't believe I'm saying this...I'm staying in Korea." Everyone erupts into stunned laughter. The evening ends with a toast to the new couple, everyone clinking their glasses in succession.
The next morning, Father Mulcahy performs the marriage ceremony, with Col. Potter as Best Man. As Klinger and Soon Lee climb into their "limo" (a horse-drawn cart), Klinger says goodbye to all his friends. B.J. has him sign a picture of himself in his Scarlett O'Hara gown, because, when he tells Erin about his experiences, "There's just some things she's just not going to believe."
After tearfully saying goodbye to Col. Potter, Soon Lee throws her bouquet, right into the arms of...Margaret.
The nurses head off to the 8063rd, but not before Kellye and some of the others grab their hometown markers from the camp signpost.
Father Mulcahy then leaves, still trying to keep his hearing loss a secret. Hawkeye tells him a joke, but he can't hear it, so after B.J. giving him silent instructions, he fakes a laugh. As he climbs into his ambulance, he waves and says, "Goodbye everybody...I'll pray for you."
Winchester, originally scheduled to depart with Margaret in a jeep, finds there is no room left since she has filled it with her belongings. Winchester kisses her hand goodbye, and Col. Potter kisses her on the head, just as a father would do. She and Hawkeye stare at one another for a moment, awkwardly trying to figure out what to say.
They finally embrace, and share a long--really long--passionate kiss. After they finish, Hawkeye simply says, "Well, so long", to which Margaret replies, "See ya." She watches them all as her jeep leaves the camp.
Just before Winchester leaves in--of all things--a garbage truck, they watch the Swamp be collapsed, forever. Hawkeye expresses sympathy for all the homeless rats, but Winchester assures him "Don't worry, you'll find somewhere to go."
He compliments Col. Potter's skills as a commander, and sarcastically says goodbye to Hawkeye and B.J. Climbing into the junky garbage truck, he bows slightly, and says, "Gentlemen." With that, he departs.
Before Col. Potter climbs on Sophie, he thanks Hawkeye and B.J. for always making him laugh, telling them there were times when, as commander, he had to pretend he was mad at them, but "Inside, I was laughing to beat all hell."
Hawkeye and B.J., teary-eyed, tell their former commander they have a gift for him--a honest, no-nonsense military salute. Col. Potter tearfully returns the gesture of respect, and rides off on his steed.
Hawkeye and B.J. begin an awkward goodbye on the compound, but when they hear Hawkeye's chopper arrive B.J. offers him a ride up to the chopper pad.
Once they make it there, they say goodbye, admitting how much they will miss one another. After recalling some great times together, they hug. Hawkeye climbs into the chopper, and B.J. starts his motorcycle.
He yells to Hawkeye, saying "I'll see you back in the States--I promise! But just in case, I left you a note", pointing to something off in the distance.
Hawkeye, confused, yells, "What?!?" but B.J. doesn't answer. He simply waves goodbye, and drives off.
Hawkeye's chopper begins to lift off, and he looks around for what his friend was talking about. He smiles when he sees, on one of the lower chopper pads, a note B.J. has left for him, spelled out in stones: "Goodbye."
Cracking a grin, Hawkeye looks out one last time over the camp, now mostly deserted and consisting of empty building frames. He then leans back into his seat, looking at peace.
The last shot we see is of Hawkeye's chopper, headed off into the distance:
Fun Facts: This episode still holds the record, almost 27 years later, as the most watched series episode TV history, with over 106 million viewers. Considering how fragmented TV is now, its a safe bet that's a record that will never be broken.
This is the series' longest episode, and the only one to feature an on-screen title.
I have so many comments and/or questions relating to this episode, I hardly know where to begin, and we don't have room for them all here. So here's a few:
Question: Why can't Col. Potter take Sophie with him? He lives in Missouri, not Manhattan. As an animal lover since I was small, the idea that Col. Potter left Sophie behind was really heartbreaking to me. Maybe it was to give Harry Morgan some bit of a storyline, since, of all the characters, he undergoes the least change in this episode?
Comment: I love Hawkeye bringing up Trapper not leaving a note when he left, even after all this time. Hawkeye as a character was always more insecure than B.J., so that line really gives you the sense that Hawkeye is still smarting from that perceived slight.
Question: All the characters get to say goodbye to each other in the final scene, except for Margaret and Father Mulcahy, who will see each other again at the 8063rd. Why was this? Just one goodbye moment too many?
Comment: I love the moment with Enid Kent as Nurse Bigelow in the banquet scene. Most everyone is chipper and happy now that the war's over, and looking forward to the next chapter of their lives. But Nurse Bigelow is just sick of war, sick of the death. This was the character's finest moment in the series.
Comment: This episode was filmed at the beginning of the year, before most of the other Season Eleven episodes. How weird must have that been for the actors, to play these heartfelt, tearful goodbye scenes, and then go and film more shows?
Favorite Line: How do I pick a favorite line from this monumental, literally historic episode?
There aren't that many funny lines, which is to be expected, since this episode is so inherently dramatic. So I'm going to pick two lines, one funny, one serious.
The laugh line: When, after Hawkeye finishes another rant mentioning a bus, Sidney repeats back to him: "Chickens take the bus?"
Hawkeye, aggravated to no end: "Again with the bus? Why don't you subscribe to Arizona Highways and leave me alone?"
Now for the serious: during Hawkeye and B.J.'s final scene, there are many great, heartfelt lines, but I think B.J.'s line "I can't imagine what this place would have been like if I hadn't found you here" hits me the most.
As a kid, I was, as you might imagine from someone who spends so much time blogging about comic book superheroes, horror magazines, and TV shows, not a very "macho" kid. I didn't like to play sports, and when I did I was awful. I felt like I didn't fit in and so many of the things that boys my age were into I was completely indifferent to.
I was a sensitive kid, and of course any kid who was interested in anything less than punching another kid in the face was called "gay", or a host of other terms meant to wound.
Not to over-dramatize this, but I clearly remember watching the final episode, as it aired. I was in the 6th grade, and it was revelatory to me, to watch two men express their fondness--oh hell, love--for one another so openly. Hawkeye and B.J. were two people I aspired to be like--they were smart, confident, compassionate, funny--and if they could be so open with who they were, maybe I could be, too.
So...is this the end of the blog? Well, yes and no. I have a bunch of other related posts to get to in the next week or two, so please join me for those.
But after that, yes, my look back at M*A*S*H will end and this blog will cease. Had any episodes of After M*A*S*H been available, in any format, I might have considered taking a look at that series, too--I haven't seen any of them since they first aired, and I'd love to revisit the show and see how it plays now (I really can't believe, with all the TV shows that have been put on DVD, that After M*A*S*H is still languishing in limbo).
Be back tomorrow!
Season 11, Episode 247: Say No More
Original Air Date: 1/24/83
Written by: John Rappaport
Directed by: Charles S. Dubin
Margaret, in anticipation on going to see a lecture by a doctor she respects, gives herself a home permanent. Unfortunately, she's still in the middle of the process when wounded arrive, and she has to go out onto the compound with a wet head.
The next morning, she finds she's lost her voice--the chill air and her wet head having given her an acute case of laryngitis. Winchester advises that she has a chance to regain her voice in time for the lecture in a few days, if, and only if, she doesn't utter a peep between now and then.
Meanwhile, Hawkeye deals with a patient whose father--a brusque general named Collins (John Anderson)--arrives and takes up residence at the 4077th to look after his son. Hawkeye assures the General that his son will be fine, but Collins refuses to leave, running his part of the war from his specially-made trailer.
After a day of trying to be a good nurse while not being able to talk, Margaret finally gives up, realizing she can't really do her job mute. She confides in Winchester that she made plans to see the doctor--named Chesler--privately, much to Winchester's amusement. She sadly asks Winchester to call Chesler and say she has to cancel, even though he's headed back for the States and this will be her only chance to see him.
In Post Op, the younger Collins seems to have some problems breathing, and Hawkeye checks up on him. He's betting that its a normal Post-operative reaction, but admits to his father that it could be something more serious--an embolism. General Collins curtly orders Hawkeye to keep him informed, while he goes on ordering troop movements and other duties of war.
Later, Hawkeye finds Collins in his trailer with some terrible news--his son has died. It was an embolism, so severe there wasn't anything anyone could do.
Collins is, of course, floored, and he tells a story about how his son wanted to follow in his footsteps, which he was initially against. But his son was so brave that he went ahead and volunteered to enlist anyway.
Hawkeye tries to comfort Collins, saying that while many of the patients he sees are a blur, "the special ones stand out"--like his son, whose only concern were his men, even though he was injured, too.
Collins thanks Hawkeye for this, admitting that he realizes that probably the only thing Hawkeye didn't like about the young soldier "was his old man."
Collins asks Hawkeye to share a drink with him, which Hawkeye agrees to. After their drink, Hawkeye departs the trailer, but not before he hears Collins resume his role as the barking general, issuing orders which will, inevitably, kill more young men like his son.
Meanwhile, Margaret, despondent over her missed rendevous, is thrilled when Dr. Chessler (James Karen) shows up at her door! Turns out that Winchester called the doctor, buttering him up with compliments that he said came from Margaret. Chesler, so impressed with Margaret's dedication, agreed to make a last-minute stop at the 4077th to visit her.
The next morning, Margaret thanks Winchester the only way she knows how since she still can't talk--with a big kiss.
Fun Facts: During the scene between Gen. Collins and Hawkeye, Collins calls Hawkeye "a son of a bitch." I believe M*A*S*H broke ground by using that taboo phrase for the first time in Season Eight's "Guerilla My Dreams", I wonder if any other show used it between that episode and this one? Three's Company, perhaps?
Actor James Karen, for many years, did local TV ads for the Pathmark chain of supermarkets. As a kid, I never knew Karen was an actor in anything other than those commercials until I saw him in this episode (he also appeared in Poltergeist, which came out the year before, but I was too young to see that in the theater!). If there was one M*A*S*H guest actor I could meet, of the hundreds that marched onto the 4077th set, it would be him.
Favorite Line: Hawkeye's gentle, exceedingly-polite response to Collins' admission that he knows Hawkeye probably didn't care for him too much: "Let's just say we see things differently."
Season 11, Episode 239: The Joker Is Wild
Original Air Date: 11/15/82
Written by: John Rappaport and Dennis Keonig
Directed by: Burt Metcalfe
B.J. pulls a prank on Hawkeye in the Swamp, which Hawkeye thinks is utterly lame. He's not bothered by being the butt of a joke, just its tired premise. He brags about the classic jokes he and Trapper pulled, which seems to make B.J. a tad jealous.
B.J. pulls another tired gag on Margaret in the Mess Tent, and the discussion again turns to "the good old days", which inspires B.J. to surmise that Trapper was such a genius that he could pull a gag on everyone in the next 24 hours, with each victim having to do a striptease on top of a table while singing "You're The Tops."
Everyone wonders when B.J. is going to kick it off, but he demurs, saying he doesn't go in for that sort of thing--its only something the "legendary Trapper" could pull off.
The next day starts off with a prank being pulled on Winchester, followed quickly by one on Potter. This sets Hawkeye on edge, convinced that if he keeps his eye on B.J. he won't get gotten.
Soon after, Margaret, Father Mulcahy, and Klinger fall victim to B.J., too. The build-up of suspense drives Hawkeye nuts--he treats everyone he encounters like they are part of B.J.'s elaborate prank, even a visiting doctor from the 8063rd (Clyde Kusatsu), who thinks Hawkeye is completely insane.
Its gets so bad that Hawkeye can't even sleep, spending the night surrounded by a fence made of barbed wire, golf club in hand, twitching at every sound.
The next morning, everyone reconvenes in the Mess Tent, and a weathered, tired-looking Hawkeye is smug about not having been pranked by B.J.
Hawkeye lords it over B.J. so much that it inspires the rest of them to admit the real truth--none of them were actually pranked. It was all an elaborate ruse by B.J., designed to drive Hawkeye crazy--every single joke perpetuated on Winchester, Potter, et al, were all phony. As B.J. calls it, "The best joke was the joke that never came."
Hawkeye, admitting when he's been bested, climbs atop the Mess Tent table, drops his drawers, and sings "You're The Tops" at full blast. The doctor from the 8063rd happens by, and walks away shaking his head, utterly convinced Hawkeye is crazy.
The next morning, B.J. makes sure there are no hard feelings. Hawkeye says of course not, promising he'll "never tangle with the master again." The joke master, B.J., wakes up and we see Hawkeye has indeed gotten revenge--by shaving half of B.J.'s mustache off.
Fun Facts: This whole episode feels like a giant tribute to Wayne Rogers and/or Trapper John.
Since everyone at M*A*S*H knew this was the last season, I've always thought this episode was the series taking a moment to stop and pay homage (especially since Trapper is the only departed character not mentioned in the penultimate episode, "As Time Goes By").
Related to that, during the reminisces about Trapper in the Mess Tent, Hawkeye calls Trapper "A man of ahead of his time." He turns to Margaret, asking, "Right, Margaret?" to which she replies, "He was a ridiculous, juvenile child." Hawkeye, proud of the response, says, "See?"
Actor Clyde Kusatsu previously appeared in Season Eight's "Goodbye Cruel World", as well as Season Two's "Henry in Love" and "Officers Only."
Favorite Line: In an episode with many funny lines, nothing, but nothing, beats Hawkeye's prank on B.J. at the very end of the episode, pictured above. That one shot of B.J. with half a mustache (with Hawkeye silently losing it in the background, gleeful of pulling the joke off) remains one of my all-time favorite M*A*S*H moments. (And, in its own way, is yet another reference to days gone by)
Season 9, Episode 214: The Life You Save
Original Air Date: 5/4/81
Written by: John Rappaport & Alan Alda
Directed by: Alan Alda
A batch of wounded arrive late at night, and everyone is out on the compound doing triage. But there's more trouble when bullets start flying, courtesy a sniper!
As he fires away, B.J. and Winchester work on a patient underneath the Evac Bus. The patient technically dies for a few moments, but B.J. and Winchester manage to bring him back.
After the sniper is shot by a nearby control, Hawkeye, B.J., and Winchester are in Post Op. B.J. tells Hawkeye what happened, and Winchester notices a bullethole in his cap--he came within centimeters of taking a bullet in the head, and never realized it. As Hawkeye and B.J. talk, Winchester sits there, stunned.
Col. Potter comes in and assigns everyone a set of rotating, mundane camp duties--Hawkeye is now in charge of the food, B.J. the laundry, Winchester the motor pool, etc.
Later, Winchester starts spending an inordinate amount of time with the patient that came back from the dead, sitting with him in Post Op for long periods of time. When the young man wakes up, Winchester peppers him with questions about what it was like for him to be actually "dead."
The young man really can't answer, despite Winchester's pleadings. He reveals that he had a younger brother who passed away, and for a long time afterwards he couldn't pass by the young boy's room without feeling a deep sense of unease.
B.J. finds Winchester hovering over the young man, and takes him outside, demanding he leave the young man alone. Winchester accuses B.J. of not wanting to deal with "The harshest reality of all."
Winchester, still haunted by what happened, has Rizzo take apart a jeep, and lay each and every part of it on a sheet. Winchester marvels at the power Rizzo has to reduce a jeep to a pile of inert junk, and then put it all together again and have it "Roar back to life."
Later that night, Winchester (via an off-hand suggestion by Margaret) decides to head off to Battalion Aid, to better see death up close.
He ends up taking care of a young soldier(Andrew Parks) who is gravely wounded. While laying there, the young man, not able to feel Winchester holding his hand, realizes he's going to die.
Winchester asks the young man, in his last moments, what he's feeling. He answers, not to anyone in particular, "I smell bread." Winchester doesn't understand, and tries to get him to talk more. But the young soldier passes away.
Winchester, wiping tears from his eyes, leaves to go back to the 4077th, leaving his bullet-ridden cap behind.
Fun Facts: There's a scene with Father Mulcahy, Hawkeye, and a giant wall of garbage, and its very funny--the massive pile of food, bandages, cardboard, and other detritus being one of the show's best props.
Winchester's speech at the motor pool is presented via one of the show's more ambitious shots--the camera starts at eye level, but then slowly pans up, and up, until its about twenty feet in the air, hovering over the set as David Ogden Stiers finishes his speech.
Speaking of Winchester, the scene with him and the young soldier is brutal in a number of ways. Winchester, in a very real way, is using this young man's final moments for his own satisfaction, an indescribably selfish act--of all the moments of one's life, its this time, above all others, that should be yours, and yours alone.
Also, props to actor Andrew Young for pulling off a really tough part--playing someone in full realization they have but a few moments left to live.
This is the last episode of the ninth season.
Favorite Line: Potter complains to B.J. that, under his authority, the laundry has gone kerflooey. He holds up a pair of leopard print, super-tight underpants, suggesting they be returned to the "passion flower" who owns them.
Margaret, silently, grabs them out of his hand and stuffs them in her pocket. Potter, slightly stunned, mutters in disbelief, "...no kidding."
Season 9, Episode 208: Oh, How We Danced
Original Air Date: 2/23/81
Written by: John Rappaport
Directed by: Burt Metcalfe
B.J. is especially depressed, since its his wedding anniversary. What he doesn't know is the others are trying to come up with some special way of celebrating it to help lift his spirits.
When Winchester gets assigned to inspect a frontline unit and make sure their following Army regulations regarding sanitary conditions, he turns it into a big deal, acting as though he's risking his life just making the trip.
He records a pseudo will on his tape recorder, bidding farewell to Cape Cod, Harcard Yard, and Baked Scrod. Hawkeye and B.J., overhearing this, mock his dramatics, causing Winchester to storm off. Hawkeye, holding Winchester's microphone, gets an idea.
He starts secretly recording his conversations with B.J., peppering him with questions about his life with Peg in San Francisco.
Meanwhile, Winchester has a run in with the commander of the frontline unit he visited. Giving the unit a bad review, Finch (Arlen Dean Snyder) shows up drunk and tries to get Winchester to reconsider. When he won't, he gets angry and punches Winchester in the mouth, knocking one of his teeth out.
Winchester, ashamed of not being able to defend himself, decides to take up karate under the instructions of an older Korean man, there to visit his wounded grandson.
He later has the chance to show off his newfound skills when Finch returns to deliver a harmonica as a bribe arranged by Hawkeye, B.J,. and Klinger. Winchester, not knowing anything about the plan, freaks Finch out by being aggressive and looking for a second round.
Weeks later, on the day of his anniversary, they all trick B.J. into Col. Potter's office, where they have a surprise party waiting. B.J. art first isn't in the mood, but they all have a special gift waiting for him: a home made, made by and starring Peg (Catherine Bergstrom), partly narrated by her and the audio recordings Hawkeye made.
They watch shots of Peg doing the things B.J. mentions, like giving Erin a bath. B.J. is moved to tears, and Margaret offers to dance with him, as the young Korean boy, now out of Post Op, plays a sweet tune on a harmonica.
Fun Facts: Hawkeye fakes being Winchester when talking to Major Finch, so we have a chance to hear both Alan Alda and Mike Farrell's goofy impersonations of a Boston accent.
Yet another episode where we get to see home movies of one of the characters--in previous episodes we saw the home lives of Henry, Frank, and Radar.
Favorite Line: B.J.'s mocking of Winchester's accent and his beloved Boston: "What a touching tribute to cod, yahd, and scrod!"
Season 9, Episode 205: No Sweat
Original Air Date: 2/2/81
Written by: John Rappaport
Directed by: Burt Metcalfe
The 4077th is in the middle of a heat wave, keeping everyone from sleeping.
Col. Potter wanders into his office to get a sleeping pill, and is shocked to find Klinger having taken apart the P.A. system, in an attempt to learn a new trade: TV repair. Potter warns that the P.A.--now it dozens of parts all over the floor--had better be back together and ready by morning.
B.J. is keeping Hawkeye up by constantly reading and re-reading a letter from Peg, which he's clearly angry about. Winchester is also up, utilizing the large empty tables in the Mess Tent to figure out his family's taxes, thrown into chaos by their unscrupulous accountant.
Margaret, meanwhile, has a brutal case of prickly heat, causing a severe rash on her rear end. Normally she would just use medicinal lotion, but with all the cases the 4077th has had, they're fresh out.
A wounded solider arrives, and Hawkeye and B.J. tell Klinger to order a chopper to come pick the young man up in the morning and take him to an air-conditioned hospital. But since Col. Potter is the only one who can do that, Klinger has to wake him up from the first good night's sleep he's had in days.
Klinger is hesitant, and tries to gently wake Potter up. Turns out the sleeping pill has worked so well that Potter starts sleepwalking, and is actually able to order the chopper (upon Klinger's urging) while still being asleep.
B.J. reveals what's bugging him--their house's gutters are clogged, and Peg needs to handle it. Hawkeye can't believe that's what's causing B.J. such anguish ("That's grounds for a Hardship Discharge if I ever heard one"), but B.J. is humorless on the subject--he builds this minor problem up in his mind until he's imagining Peg having an affair with a neighborhood handyman!
As the night wears on, people have to keep waking up Col. Potter--Winchester needs the combination to the safe (to get some carbon paper to finish up his taxes), and then Margaret has him order some of the much-needed lotion, to be brought on the chopper on its way to pick up the wounded solider. Despite all these interruptions, Col. Potter never actually wakes up.
Igor wanders into the Mess Tent to start breakfast, and, in an attempt to cool Winchester off, stupidly turns on the giant fan, causing the reams of paper to fly all over the tent.
Margaret's rash on her rear end gets revealed to the whole unit when their conversation is accidentally broadcast over the P.A., finally fixed by Klinger. Its then broken again by an enraged Margaret when she hears laughter from all over the compound.
The next morning, Col. Potter is chipper from finally getting a good night's sleep, having no memory of all the interruptions. Margaret, unable to sit down during breakfast, is tired of all the butt jokes at her expense. When Potter mistakes this and says, "At ease, Margaret", she shoots him a look that could kill.
Fun Facts: This episode eschews the typical A-plot/B-plot structure in favor one of central idea (its way too hot), around which all the characters have their own storyline.
There's a lot of funny lines in this show--during a scene in the showers, Hawkeye convinces B.J. that Peg and the gutters will be fine. He agrees, but then goes off on another tangent, convincing himself that Peg is so self-sufficient she probably doesn't even need him at all. Hawkeye, following along this line of madness, finally yells: "You are a complete idiot! No wonder Peg is leaving you!"
There's another installment of The Young Sherman Potter Adventures when, still asleep, he tells Margaret about the time he was pinned down in a wet foxhole that gave him a brutal case of "fanny fungus" and, no matter what, "The fire on the back porch just keeps burning."
Favorite Line: When Klinger tells Winchester he keeps his carbon paper in the safe, Winchester can't help mock the idea: "Carbon paper, in the safe! What brilliant foresight--in only two million years, it will turn into diamonds!" I laugh at this line every single time I hear it.
Season 9, Episode 199: Death Takes A Holiday
Original Air Date: 12/15/80
Written by: Mike Farrell, John Rappaport, Dennis Koenig, Thad Mumford & Dan Wilcox, and Burt Metcalfe
Directed by: Mike Farrell
Its Christmas, and there's a truce on. Everyone is preparing for the big Christmas feats for the the nearby orphanage. When the supply line that was supposed to deliver the food gets cut, all of the 4077th band together and donate their holiday care packages--B.J. donates fudge, Nurse Kellye donates Macadamia nuts, and Rizzo donates...pig's feet.
They turn to Winchester to donate, but he offers just a small tin of oysters, despite him having received several large packages marked "perishable" in the last few weeks. Despite constant insults from everyone, Winchester refuses to budge.
We see, though, that Winchester has his own plans: he's bringing all the packages to the nearby orphanage, late at night. When he's caught the orphanage's headmaster, Choi Sung Ho (Keye Luke), Winchester tells him its part of a Winchester Family tradition: on Christmas Eve, they leave an anonymous gift of expensive, handmade chocolates on the doorstep of a needy family. Mr. Ho gratefully accepts the gifts, promising Winchester to keep it a secret.
Meanwhile, the truce is broken when a wounded solider is brought in just as the 4077th is kicking off the Christmas party for the kids. Hawkeye, B.J., and Margaret decide to take the case, and keep it secret from everyone else, lest the holiday spirit be ruined.
The young man is seriously wounded, and both Hawkeye and B.J. are certain he's going to die. After seeing a picture of the young man with his family, B.J. decides to continue working on him, determined to keep the man alive long enough so that he won't die on Christmas Day.
Meanwhile, at the party, Winchester sees Rizzo eating a piece of the expensive chocolate. When Rizzo tells him he got in on the Black Market, Winchester asks one of the orphans if they got any chocolate for Christmas. When the little girl says no, Winchester angrily confronts Mr. Ho.
They go outside (with Klinger overhearing the whole conversation), where Mr. Ho admits he sold all the chocolate. Winchester is enraged, calling him a "parasite", but Mr. Ho explains that the chocolate was so valuable that, on the Black Market, it could buy enough rice and cabbage to feed the kids for a month.
Winchester, stunned, apologizes, realizing, as he says, "It's improper to give dessert to a child who's had no meal." Mr. Ho accepts, and returns to the party, with Winchester going back to the Swamp.
As Hawkeye and B.J. continue working, Klinger visits Winchester, bringing with him small samples of all the food at the party. When Winchester asks what the gag is, Klinger says its not a gag: "It's an old family tradition...one that must remain anonymous."
Back in Pre-Op, the young man is about to die. B.J. is so caught up in the moment, though, he tries to stop Father Mulcahy from performing the last rites, alarming everyone.
B.J. calms down, but wants to keep working, but Hawkeye insists he stop: "Let him go...let him rest." B.J. listens, feeling defeated.
Hawkeye then walks to the clock on the wall, and moves the hands to past midnight, declaring: "Look, he made it." They decide, instantaneously, to fake the death certificate.
Later, they run into Col. Potter and a young Korean boy dressed in a Santa hat. Potter saved the last four pieces of fudge for them, which they use as a toast. As the snow falls, B.J. wishes the rest of them a Merry Christmas.
Fun Facts: One of my favorite later-period episodes, since I find both A and B plots compelling.
That said, the whole idea of the doctors working so hard not to let their patient die on Christmas seems a little thin to build a whole episode on: I can't say from experience (thankfully), but I would imagine someone close to me dying on December 26th wouldn't be that much different than them dying on the 25th.
The little kid Potter uses an elf is unbelievably cute. When he offers his tray of food to the doctors, he says in a squeaky voice, "Fudge!", which Tracy and I never fail to imitate when he hear it. Seriously--it should be a ringtone or something.
Favorite Line: When Winchester learns that Klinger knows about his efforts to give the orphans the chocolate, he turns, looks at Klinger, and quietly says, "Thank you, Max."
Klinger responds: "Merry Christmas...Charles."
Season 8, Episode 188: Morale Victory
Original Air Date: 1/28/80
Written by: John Rappaport
Directed by: Charles S. Dubin
Tensions are running high at the 4077th, with most of the camp being bored to tears by the movie, which is the same movie that's been shown every night for weeks.
When Hawkeye and B.J. get up during the movie and flawlessly mimic the dialogue as it goes by, it enrages Potter, who bellows, "This the war, you know--be grateful we got a talkie!"
But this only seems to spark further unrest, and when Rizzo complains about the lousy food, everyone agrees--loudly. The mood gets so ugly everyone cheers when the P.A. announces wounded have arrived.
In OR, one of Winchester's patients has several wounds, including ones on his hand and leg. He spends all his time dealing with the leg, making sure the young man isn't paralyzed, with the work on the hand being a bit of an afterthought.
After surgery, Potter puts Hawkeye and B.J. in charge morale, and they draft Klinger to help out.
Meanwhile, Winchester is there when his young patient, a Private named David Sheridan (James Stephens) wakes up in Post Op. Winchester is chipper and friendly (even making Hawkeye and B.J.-esque jokes), and assures Stephens that, despite his serious wounds, he will walk again.
But Stephens doesn't seem to care about his leg wound, only asking about his hand. When Winchester informs him that he has suffered some "Nerve and tendon damage", Stephens asks for how long. When Winchester informs him it will be permanent, Stephens starts to break down in tears.
Winchester is confused, and Stephens tells him that his hands are his life--he's a concert pianist. As the young man cries, Winchester is stunned into silence.
While Hawkeye and B.J. try and assure everyone in camp that they have some amazing plans to boost morale (which is a complete lie), Winchester tries to get through to Stephens. Stephens is demoralized, and is convinced he has no future, which Winchester says "gnaws" at him. Stephens says he doesn't blame Winchester, but "It doesn't bring my hand back."
Winchester turns to Father Mulcahy for advice. Winchester admits that he's worried that, while he can perform miracles in the OR, he's somewhat lacking in his ability to "provide comfort" like some of the other doctors. Mulcahy reassures him that there's no one in camp who has a greater love and appreciation of music, and its through their common love that he can get through to Stephens.
Hawkeye and B.J., having gotten an idea to throw a beach party on the compound, are thrilled when Klinger comes back from a trip to Inchon with a tub of live crab and a footlocker full of beach sand.
While the party goes on, Winchester wheels Stephens into the O Club, where he introduces him to piano pieces written for one hand. At first, Stephens resists, saying he can't make a career "Playing a few freak pieces."
Winchester doesn't give up, admitting to Stephens that, more than anything else, he has always wanted to play classical music, but lacks the true gift. He can "Play the notes, but I cannot make the music", and that Stephens true gift is in his head and his heart, not his hand, and there are other ways he can share that gift with the world.
Stephens relents and tentatively begins playing the piano. He quickly gets into it, however, playing the piece with vigor, and Winchester follows along, enthralled. The camera pans out over the compound, as everyone is partying, to the sound of the piano.
Fun Facts: This episode features one of the best Winchester stories ever, and I love his admission that, in some ways, music is even more important to him than medicine.
Favorite Line: One of B.J.'s suggestions to improve morale is better movies. Hawkeye offers, "That should be easy considering the fact that the best one we've seen in months is 'The Field Pack: Your Canvas Buddy'!"
Season 8, Episode 181: Dear Uncle Abdul
Original Air Date: 12/3/79
Written by: John Rappaport & Jim Mulligan
Directed by: William Jurgensen
Klinger is writing a letter home to his Uncle Abdul, telling him about recent events at the 4077th.
Father Mulcahy gets involved in writing an inspirational war song, Winchester drags Klinger out into the brush to use him to help flush out wild game, and Margaret, enraged that Army Supply won't issue her a new footlocker unless its damaged "in combat", goes ahead and shoots up her old one, using Winchester's hunting rifle.
Meanwhile, Hawkeye and B.J. get in a debate about who's funnier. It gets kicked off when Hawkeye tells B.J. an old joke he learned from his Dad, but B.J. doesn't think its funny, walking away from Hawkeye dismissively with "See you later, Uncle Milty." Hawkeye is annoyed to no end when he learns B.J. is going around camp telling the same joke, getting laughs and the credit.
But the debate is tabled for the moment when a young soldier named Eddie (Richard Lineback) wanders into camp, looking for his pal Hank, who was wounded and recovering in the 4077's Post Op.
Another member of the unit mentions that Eddie is what they call "a little slow"--not mentally retarded, but simply "not all that bright." Hawkeye and B.J. are shocked and disgusted that someone like that has been put in combat. There's an even bigger problem--Eddie's pal Hank is scheduled to be shipped home, leaving Eddie behind.
Things get patched up when Hank reassures Eddie that he's tough, and a good solider. Their mutual friend Dave (Kelly Ward) steps in and promises to become Eddie's new best pal now that Hank is leaving.
The debate about who's funnier resumes, and Hawkeye and B.J. ask Klinger for his opinion. Klinger offers the answer is neither of them--in a unit with a priest who writes war ditties, a head nurse that shoots luggage, and a major that likes to dress up and go quail hunting, what's so special about two guys who go around telling jokes?
Klinger ends his letter admitting to his Uncle Abdul that he now understands why he never got a Section 8--"There's nothing special about me--everybody here is crazy!"
Fun Facts: Other than a variation on the type in the Tenth Season, this is the last episode of the series in the "Dear..." format.
Actor Richard Lineback would return to the show in an eleventh season episode, playing a different character.
The song that Father Mulcahy composes at the end of the show is okay, but there's a line about "The pain and death this madness brings" that jumps right out at you with its bluntness--definitely the best part of the song.
Favorite Line: Hawkeye and B.J. are shocked when they learn the young solider named Eddie is what his buddies call, "a little slow."
Hawkeye asks rhetorically, "What the hell is a kid like that doing in combat?" B.J. responds with, "Maybe there were no openings on the Joint Chiefs of Staff."
Season 8, Episode 175: Period of Adjustment
Original Air Date: 10/22/79
Written by: Jim Mulligan & John Rappaport
Directed by: Charles S. Dubin
In the immediate aftermath of Radar leaing the 4077th, things are not going smoothly--Klinger hasn't quite gotten the hang of his new job as company clerk, so things are pretty chaotic. Potter's office is buried in paper, and he has to fend off calls from I-Corps about late or completely missing morning reports.
Potter tries to cover, but he's so mad at Klinger that he considers that perhaps the job is "too much" for him--"We can't all be Radars", he offers, which hurts Klinger's feelings.
He delivers mail to the Swamp, where B.J. gets a letter from Peg, where she describes what it was like meeting Radar on his way home from Korea. Wearing his uniform, little Erin Hunnicutt saw Radar and exclaimed, "Hi, Daddy!"
During a session in O.R., Hawkeye tries to get B.J. to tell everyone about the meeting between Peg, Erin, and Radar, but he doesn't seem to want to talk about it. Later, in the Mess Tent, he sides with Klinger in being sick of everyone talking about Radar.
Later that night, Winchester takes over for Hawkeye in Post Op, and he warns Hawkeye that, back in the Swamp, B.J. is drunk--very drunk.
Hawkeye goes back to the Swamp, and after a few moments he starts to get the idea that something's bothering B.J. He finally hits upon it being the letter from Peg, and it quickly devolves into an argument. B.J. gets furious, and suggests that his missing his daughter by being stuck in Korea is worse than what Hawkeye is going through.
Hawkeye doesn't buy that, reminding B.J. he's been stuck at the 4077th even longer than B.J. Hawkeye then tries to get B.J. to stop drinking, which sets B.J. off--he smashes the still with a chair, and punches Hawkeye in the eye! He immediately runs out of the tent.
Potter and Margaret are searching for a now-missing Klinger, and come to the Swamp, only to find Winchester tending to the black eye Hawkeye has. They decide to team up and try and find both of them, with Margaret and Winchester going one way, Potter the other (with Hawkeye having to tend to a patient).
During his search, Potter runs into Father Mulcahy, where Mulcahy explains to Potter that once, before he arrived, there was someone even worse than Klinger: "This lad was quite a bozo--couldn't do anything right. Drove everyone crazy with questions. You should've seen him put through a call was like hand-to-hand combat. Folks here were convinced the enemy had sent him here to sabotage the unit.
[O]ver time, he got a little better...your late predecessor, Col. Blake--rest his soul--took him under his wing and sort of helped him grow into the job."
Potter realizes Mulcahy was pulling one over on him--he's talking about Radar. Mulcahy asks, doesn't Klinger deserve the same time to get adjusted to the job? After all, he reminds Potter, when he arrived at the 4077th, he got "The broken-in model."
Potter and Margaret meet back up, and decide to call the MPs. But when they arrive, they find the totally smashed B.J. and Klinger in Potter's office, smashing into his liquor cabinet. Potter asks Margaret to go fetch Hawkeye, while Potter talks to Klinger alone.
He sits Klinger down, and "clears the air." He admits that, when he showed up at the 4077th, people weren't "jumping for joy" over him, since they all thought so much of Henry Blake. But everyone gave him time to make the job Sherman Potter's, since he "Was no Henry Blake...never tried to be."
He decides that, as of this moment, "Radar's office is closed...Klinger's is open." Klinger, relieved, passes out. Potter adds, "Okay, we'll open tomorrow."
Hawkeye arrives, and heads inside Potter's office to talk to B.J. B.J. apologizes for hitting him, and breaks down in tears when he thinks about the first time Erin ever called anyone Daddy..."and it wasn't me."
He admits that he's so jealous of Radar that he almost hates him. He also admits he's even jealous of Trapper--who he's never even met--because "He's home, too." He collapses into sobs, while Hawkeye promises: "You'll go home...some day we'll all go home."
A few days later, Hawkeye and B.J. rebuild the still, with the help of Klinger, who got the necessary parts. They allow Klinger the honor of "The first belt."
Fun Facts: I love Potter's speech with Klinger about what it was like for him to take over for Henry Blake. Potter is so stoic, and since they never covered any of this at the time, its interesting to hear that Potter did have his own period of adjustment after arriving at the 4077th.
Mulcahy's speech is also excellent, and I think its a great hook to build the episode around--namely, that it took someone who's been at the 4077th even longer than Potter to give him the proper perspective.
I also love Klinger's sweet, if drunken, response to Potter's question, "People around here were awfully fond of Henry Blake, weren't they?" Klinger responds, emphatically: "Well, sure...the Colonel was a top-notch kind of a guy."
Favorite Line: Potter suggests he and Klinger talk outside, alone. B.J. laughs, but Klinger is worried: "Oh God, B.J....he's gonna beat me up!"
