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Season 11, Episode 244: Run For The Money
Original Air Date: 12/20/82
Written by: Elias Davis & David Pollock and Mike Farrell
Directed by: Nell Cox
Klinger is excited over the prospect of yet another can't-fail, fool-proof scam: long-distance runner Jessie McFarland has been assigned to the 4077th, and will be arriving shortly.
His plan is to schedule a race against the 8063rd, who has a top-flight runner on camp. Klinger guesses that the 8063rd will think the 4077th is sure to lose, not knowing they've got McFarland on their staff.
Hawkeye and B.J. are initially not at all interested, tired of being caught up in another of Klinger's scams. But after Margaret goes along with the plan (to get revenge on the 8063rd's Head Nurse), they badger the doctors into going along with it.
After tending to some wounded engineers (including one who stutters, and is mocked by his comrades for it), McFarland arrives--except its Jessie McFarland Sr., an older, vastly overweight "tired old soldier." The runner in question is Jessie McFarland Jr.--a little detail Klinger missed.
During a mail delivery, Klinger tries to butter everyone up, but they remain furious at Klinger for roping them into this. The one person he doesn't have to schmooze is Winchester (who receives a tape-recorded letter from his sister Honoria in the mail), who tells Klinger not to worry because he didn't bet, and "I don't like you anyway."
Then Margaret hits on the idea to put up the one genuine runner they have in camp--Father Mulcahy. He turns them down at first, but after continued pressure he relents, and begins training.
While everyone is wrapped up with the race, Winchester is tending to the wounded engineers in Post Op. He catches wind of their commander, Captain Sweeney (Thomas Callaway), mocking the stuttering young man, Pvt. Palmer (Phil Brock) in front of everyone.
Winchester takes Capt. Sweeney outside, promising that if he hears one more unkind word towards Pvt. Palmer come from Sweeney's lips, he will personally writer a letter detailing Sweeney's inhumanity and have it placed in his personal file. Sweeney tries to protest, but Winchester cuts him off.
Later, the race between Mulcahy and the 8063rd's runner, Pvt. LeMasters (Mark Anderson) begins, and almost immediately Mulcahy falls behind.
In Post Op, Winchester takes Palmer to get some x-rays, but Palmer sees quickly that's a ruse. Winchester has a heart-to-heart talk with Palmer, trying to reassure him that just because he stutters, it doesn't mean Palmer isn't smart, something Palmer seems convinced of.
Winchester confides to the young man that he reads comics books like Palmer does, but says that Palmer is smart enough to tackle more complex literature--like Moby Dick, a leather-bound copy of which he gives to Palmer as a gift.
Palmer asks why Winchester is being so nice to him, but Winchester deflects the question and takes him back to Post Op. Later, we see Winchester sitting down in the Swamp, preparing to listen to the audio tape his sister sent him. We learn that Honoria stutters as well. As she goes on, we see a look of utter contentment on Winchester's face.
Meanwhile, the race between Mulcahy and LeMasters heads into the final stretch. Somehow, Mulcahy has managed to almost catch up, and then he passes LeMasters!
But just before he crosses the finish line, Mulcahy issues a demand: all the winnings go to the orphanage, or he'll let LeMasters win. Everyone agrees, and Mulcahy wins the race.
Later, Mulcahy reveals that LeMasters threw the race--during moments when he let Mulcahy catch up, he would make "chit-chat" about the poor starving orphans, which browbeat LeMasters so much he agreed to let Mulcahy win.
Fun Facts: I wrote a piece for my Hey Kids, Comics! blog centered around this episode, which you can read here.
The scene with Winchester listening to Honoria's audio tape is so sweet, so perfect, that its one of my all-time favorite moments of the series.
Favorite Line: Klinger, trying to convince Hawkeye and B.J. to go along with his scam: "Guys, I've been adding up some numbers."
B.J.: "Well, you'd better sit down, your fingers must be exhausted."
Season 9, Episode 199: Death Takes A Holiday
Original Air Date: 12/15/80
Written by: Mike Farrell, John Rappaport, Dennis Koenig, Thad Mumford & Dan Wilcox, and Burt Metcalfe
Directed by: Mike Farrell
Its Christmas, and there's a truce on. Everyone is preparing for the big Christmas feats for the the nearby orphanage. When the supply line that was supposed to deliver the food gets cut, all of the 4077th band together and donate their holiday care packages--B.J. donates fudge, Nurse Kellye donates Macadamia nuts, and Rizzo donates...pig's feet.
They turn to Winchester to donate, but he offers just a small tin of oysters, despite him having received several large packages marked "perishable" in the last few weeks. Despite constant insults from everyone, Winchester refuses to budge.
We see, though, that Winchester has his own plans: he's bringing all the packages to the nearby orphanage, late at night. When he's caught the orphanage's headmaster, Choi Sung Ho (Keye Luke), Winchester tells him its part of a Winchester Family tradition: on Christmas Eve, they leave an anonymous gift of expensive, handmade chocolates on the doorstep of a needy family. Mr. Ho gratefully accepts the gifts, promising Winchester to keep it a secret.
Meanwhile, the truce is broken when a wounded solider is brought in just as the 4077th is kicking off the Christmas party for the kids. Hawkeye, B.J., and Margaret decide to take the case, and keep it secret from everyone else, lest the holiday spirit be ruined.
The young man is seriously wounded, and both Hawkeye and B.J. are certain he's going to die. After seeing a picture of the young man with his family, B.J. decides to continue working on him, determined to keep the man alive long enough so that he won't die on Christmas Day.
Meanwhile, at the party, Winchester sees Rizzo eating a piece of the expensive chocolate. When Rizzo tells him he got in on the Black Market, Winchester asks one of the orphans if they got any chocolate for Christmas. When the little girl says no, Winchester angrily confronts Mr. Ho.
They go outside (with Klinger overhearing the whole conversation), where Mr. Ho admits he sold all the chocolate. Winchester is enraged, calling him a "parasite", but Mr. Ho explains that the chocolate was so valuable that, on the Black Market, it could buy enough rice and cabbage to feed the kids for a month.
Winchester, stunned, apologizes, realizing, as he says, "It's improper to give dessert to a child who's had no meal." Mr. Ho accepts, and returns to the party, with Winchester going back to the Swamp.
As Hawkeye and B.J. continue working, Klinger visits Winchester, bringing with him small samples of all the food at the party. When Winchester asks what the gag is, Klinger says its not a gag: "It's an old family tradition...one that must remain anonymous."
Back in Pre-Op, the young man is about to die. B.J. is so caught up in the moment, though, he tries to stop Father Mulcahy from performing the last rites, alarming everyone.
B.J. calms down, but wants to keep working, but Hawkeye insists he stop: "Let him go...let him rest." B.J. listens, feeling defeated.
Hawkeye then walks to the clock on the wall, and moves the hands to past midnight, declaring: "Look, he made it." They decide, instantaneously, to fake the death certificate.
Later, they run into Col. Potter and a young Korean boy dressed in a Santa hat. Potter saved the last four pieces of fudge for them, which they use as a toast. As the snow falls, B.J. wishes the rest of them a Merry Christmas.
Fun Facts: One of my favorite later-period episodes, since I find both A and B plots compelling.
That said, the whole idea of the doctors working so hard not to let their patient die on Christmas seems a little thin to build a whole episode on: I can't say from experience (thankfully), but I would imagine someone close to me dying on December 26th wouldn't be that much different than them dying on the 25th.
The little kid Potter uses an elf is unbelievably cute. When he offers his tray of food to the doctors, he says in a squeaky voice, "Fudge!", which Tracy and I never fail to imitate when he hear it. Seriously--it should be a ringtone or something.
Favorite Line: When Winchester learns that Klinger knows about his efforts to give the orphans the chocolate, he turns, looks at Klinger, and quietly says, "Thank you, Max."
Klinger responds: "Merry Christmas...Charles."
Season 8, Episode 192: War Co-Respodent
Original Air Date: 3/3/80
Written by: Mike Farrell
Directed by: Mike Farrell
A bus full of wounded arrive, escorted by a surprising guest--journalist Aggie O'Shea (Susan Saint James), a genuine celebrity.
Aggie is following a couple soldiers as they make their way through their tour in Korea, and then reporting on what she experiences. She meets with the doctors and Margaret afterward, and Hawkeye is shameless in his attempts to romance her. But Aggie seems only interested in...B.J.
While in Post Op together, Aggie is pretty flirty with B.J., continually rebuffing Hawkeye's advances. Her interest in B.J. is so apparent that everyone in camp notices, even the wounded.
That night, they share a drink in the O Club, and Aggie lays it right on the line, letting B.J. know she's "very interested" in him, leaving B.J. flush and stunned into silence.
The next morning, everyone in camp is talking about B.J. and Aggie. After a rough night's sleep, he has a talk with Aggie in the x-ray room where he goes so far as to ask Aggie how long she can stay in Seoul. Her answer is, "As long as you want."
B.J. is cranky and humorless about all the rumors, storming off insulted when he catches everyone in the Mess Tent joking about it. Hawkeye gets B.J. to open up, and B.J. reveals that while nothing has happened between him and Aggie, he is starting to develop real feelings for her. For the first time, someone other than Peg has really caught his eye, and he's feeling torn up about it.
When one of the soldiers Aggie is profiling has to go back in for surgery, Hawkeye assists, and brings up Aggie and the young man, Scotty. At first B.J. is snippy to Hawkeye, but Hawkeye keeps going, pointing out how a war can bring two very different people together--people who, back at home, wouldn't have much in common.
Later that night, B.J. and Aggie talk again, and B.J. confesses that while he has feelings for Aggie, he can't give up his one life line--the one he has to his family. Aggie confesses that she loves B.J., and they embrace in saying goodbye.
Weeks later, a care package from Aggie arrives, with presents for everyone. Potter's gift is an original drawing by Aggie, one of B.J, with a life preserver around him, emblazoned with the words "San Francisco." When Potter asks what that means, B.J. answers, "Beats me."
Fun Facts: This episode is a Mike Farrell tour de force--written, directed, and starring!
There's a throwaway line between Margaret and Aggie in Margaret's tent. When Aggie wonders if B.J. has ever fooled around, Margaret laughs, and answers, "That's a laugh...no, never." Obviously Margaret doesn't know what happened in Season Five's "Hanky Panky."
Favorite Line: Hawkeye brings up Aggie while in surgery, and B.J. responds with a snippy, "Will you knock it off?" Farrell delivers it with just the right amount of peak to make it sound like B.J. is simmering with anger.
Season 8, Episode 179: The Yalu Brick Road
Original Air Date: 11/19/79
Written by: Mike Farrell
Directed by: Charles S. Dubin
The camp is suffering from a brutal case of Samonella, which they all picked up from some bad turkeys Klinger scored from a shifty supply sergeant. With Hawkeye, B.J., Margaret, and Winchester all away for medical conferences and not yet back home, its up to Potter and Mulcahy to try and take care of everyone.
Meanwhile, we see what's taking Hawkeye and B.J. so long: B.J. got them lost, and can't find their way back to the main road. They get into an accident and crash the jeep, forcing them to walk. While hoofing it, they into a North Korean soldier (Soon-Tek Oh, again) who is determined to surrender to them, despite Hawkeye and B.J.'s lack of interest in taking prisoners.
Margaret and Winchester make it back to the 4077th, and help out with all the sick personnel. Winchester tries to worm his way out of helping out, but Margaret threatens him if he takes one step outside.
Back out in the hills, Hawkeye and B.J. can't get rid of the North Korean who they call "Ralph", but he proves to be invaluable when he saves from being imprisoned--or worse--by a group of passing, armed-to-the-teeth North Korean soldiers. He pretends they are his prisoners, which the others accept, and move on. After they're out of site, Ralph surrenders again, and gets a giant hug from the two of them.
They keep walking, and come across an old man who has broken his ankle while moving a wooden cart down the road. He's so weak he can't walk at all, so B.J. has to carry him on his back until they find his hut, where his wife is.
Luckily, the old man and his wife own a beat-up, rusty motorcycle, which B.J. insists he can drive. He puts Hawkeye in the side car, and Ralph climbs on the back, and off they go--none too steadily--to the 4077th.
While Margaret, Winchester, Potter, and Mulcahy tend to the sick, Hawkeye and B.J. return, accidentally running over Winchester's freshly-cleaned sheets in the process.
They head off to Post Op to help out, and they bring Ralph with them: "There's a whole ward full of people you haven't surrendered to yet."
Fun Facts: This episode features the first appearance of G.W. Bailey as Sgt. Rizzo, essentially the replacement character for Johnny Haymer's Sgt. Zale. But this episode was one of the ones run out of order, because a later episode ("Captains Outrageous") is written as the actual introduction of the character.
This episode is written by Mike Farrell, making him only the third M*A*S*H cast member (after Alda and McLean Stevenson) to write for the series.
This is actor Soon-Tek Oh's fourth episode guest-starring on the series.
Favorite Line: Winchester, annoyed at having to wash linens while everyone is still sick, marvels to no one in particular: "So close to China and I am doing laundry."
