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Season 3, Episode 66: House Arrest
Original Air Date: 2/4/75
Written by: Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum
Directed by: Hy Averback
Hot Lips is making a lot of mistakes in O.R., which is unusual. Turns out she's nervous about the impending arrival of a Col. Reece, a highly-decorated nurse.
When Hawkeye dismisses Hot Lips after one too many mistakes, she is furious. She berates Hawkeye in the scrub room, but after he insinuates she got where she is by sleeping around, Hot Lips demands Frank defend her honor.
Frank's idea of that is to snap a towel at Hawkeye's butt, leading to Hawkeye belting Frank right in the eye!
Frank goes to Henry, demanding a court martial. Henry tries to talk him out of it, but Frank insists on going through with the paperwork. When Radar mentions that while the paperwork is being processed, the accused is under "house arrest"--meaning all Hawkeye gets to do is sleep, eat, and read! Hawkeye quickly confesses and places himself under arrest.
Later that night, Col. Reece (Mary Wickes) arrives, and she's not what Hot Lips expected--irreverent, flirty, and even a little foul-mouthed, Reece moves in to Hot Lips' tent, causing Frank no end of frustration.
As Henry works on the court martial, everyone in camp tries to make Hawkeye's house arrest more palatable--Father Mulcahy brings him a Red Cross care package, the cook sends him a steak (in thanks for punching Frank), and they even show the night's movie in The Swamp so Hawkeye can see it!
With The Swamp filled to capacity, Frank angrily wanders the camp, eventually running into Col. Reece in Hot Lips' tent. Reece puts the moves on Frank(!), offering him a promotion for roll in the hay. He sort of goes along, but when Hot Lips walks in on them, Reece starts yelling "Rape!"
That draws a crowd, and Reece insists on leveling charges. When Hawkeye says he doesn't want Frank sharing his house arrest, Hot Lips offers: "You're innocent, Captain--he slipped on a bar of soap!"
Fun Facts: Mary Wickes was a character actress whose career spanned seven decades. She appeared in one of my all-time favorite Abbott & Costello movies, 1942's Who Done It?
The film the 4077th watches is the 1945 film noir Leave Her To Heaven. The movie, unusual for the time and genre, was in color, but the version the 4077th sees is in black and white.
In this episode, there's a B plot involving Radar ordering shoes with lifts in them. Eventually, Radar lets Hawkeye know how much the cracks about his height hurt his feelings. Hawkeye promises not to do it again, and the writers had him keep that promise--except that some of these episodes were shown in a different order than how they were shot, so in just a few episodes after this one, Hawkeye makes fun of Radar's height again!
Favorite Line: When Radar first shows up in The Swamp sans lifts, Hawkeye quietly says, "Much better, Radar", with a sweet, fatherly delivery. Not a funny line, but a nice moment between the two characters.
Season 3, Episode 65: The Consultant
Original Air Date: 1/21/75
Written by: Robert Klane, Larry Gelbart
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
Hawkeye and Trapper go to Seoul for a medical conference, and while they're there, they meet Major Anthony Borelli (Robert Alda), a doctor (and veteran of two previous wars) who is acting as a medical consultant.
They hit it off, and Borelli is intrigued by the challenge that working at the 4077th presents. Hawkeye invites him to come visit sometime.
Later, Hawkeye and Trapper, back at the 4077, are shocked to see that Borelli has come to visit. Everyone treats him like visiting royalty, and he's helpful in surgery when a mass of wounded arrive, even when bombs are going off right outside.
Frank prepares to amputate a crushed leg, but Borelli says that it can be saved with a arterial transplant, something no one at the 4077th has ever done. Frank is against it, of course, but Henry goes ahead, giving Radar the order to search other units for a usable transplant.
They find one at a British unit, and Hawkeye and Trapper go get it. When they get back, Hawkeye is excited at the idea of trying this, even though Borelli will be doing the surgery. The only problem is...in the meantime, Borelli has gotten drunk.
Hawkeye confronts him in The Swamp, and Borelli explains that he had forgotten how unnerving being this close to the real war can be, and he can't handle it. He insists Hawkeye can do the surgery, even though he's never done it before.
Hawkeye and Trapper perform the surgery, and its a success. Later, Hawkeye berates Borelli for being drunk when he was needed. Borelli admits to that, and doesn't try to excuse his behavior, but points out Hawkeye's homemade still ("What's that you're leaning on, doctor, a bubblegum machine?") and wishes him better luck on his third war.
Fun Facts: When asked if he'll be missed back in Tokyo, Borelli reminds them that his rank is honorary, and says "What are they going to do, bust me from a Mister down to a Miss?"--not a line that will rank as one of the show's most pro-feminist exchanges.
The syndicated version of this episode ends with the tense scene between Hawkeye and Borelli, ending the episode on a very down note. But the original, uncut version has one more scene, with everyone--except Hawkeye--wishing Borelli a fond goodbye.
Just before Borelli's chopper takes off, though, Hawkeye shows up, tips his hat to him, putting a smile on Borelli's face, giving the episode a slightly more upbeat finale. This kind of editing--where the whole tone of the episode is altered in some way--would come in to play in numerous episodes.
Favorite Line: Henry tells Borelli that the 4077th treated almost 5,000 patients in less than two months. Borelli is amazed at that staggering number, and Hawkeye adds: "Well, I had help of course."
Season 3, Episode 64: Bulletin Board
Original Air Date: 1/14/75
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Simon Muntner
Directed by: Alan Alda
This episode revolves, informally, around the camp bulletin board, as we see some of the various events taking place at the 4077th that are announced on the board.
Henry gives the camp a lecture about sex, and a pledge for people to buy war bonds is posted.
Hot Lips asks Frank to borrow some money for her sister, and he refuses, causing all kinds of problems between them.
Trapper writes a letter home to his daughter Becky, telling her about his life at the 4077th, including just how bad a doctor Frank is (he writes off a patient as dead, one that Trapper saves when he realizes he's suffering from Hypothermia).
The night's movie is announced--a Shirley Temple picture--and a fight between Klinger and Zale breaks out during it.
Later, Henry has trouble with a patient, and his mood sours. When Hawkeye and Trapper show him the announcement about a picnic to raise money for Sister Theresa's orphanage, he initially refuses.
But he eventually changes his mind, and the 4077th actually manages to have fun during the picnic--playing music, performing a puppet show for the kids, having an egg race, a sack race, and then finally a tug of war contest, officers vs. enlisted. (In the meantime, Hot Lips doesn't take too well to Frank's offer of a loan...at a small, "very reasonable" interest rate)
Just as everyone ends up in the pile of mud, Radar hears the sound of choppers, ending everyone's fun.
Later, in surgery, Henry quietly suggests that having the picnic was a good idea. Hawkeye and Trapper, happy to hear Henry not sounding so down, agree.
Fun Facts: Hot Lips mentions that her father is dead in this episode, something that conflicts slightly with his appearance in a 9th season episode. She also mentions her sister, a character never referred to again.
The portion of the episode with Trapper writing a letter to Becky is the closest the series got to a "Dear..." episode, narrated this time by Trapper.
Watch the tug of war scene, especially when everyone ends up in the mud. Everyone--even Frank Burns--starts to laugh, and it looks like at a certain point the scene became entirely ad-libbed.
Speaking of that scene, in the original version, everyone watches Radar as he seems to sense chopper approaching. Covered in mud, he simply nods his head, and then starts to walk towards the camp. With his back to the camera, we hear him say "Choppers!", which gets everyone else moving.
In the syndicated edit, someone has taken Radar's "Choppers!" line, and dropped it over the previous shot, even though its clear that Radar's mouth isn't moving.
Favorite Line: The episode opens with Hawkeye and Trapper playing with one of those rubber ball and paddle sets, and Hawkeye, going first, hits the ball about 70 times in a row.
Trapper then boasts he can do it better than that, and takes paddle. After one and a half hits, the ball misses and flops to the side, causing Hawkeye to laugh.
Trapper, angrily says, "What'd you do, change balls on me?", which causes Hawkeye to laugh even louder. Me too.
Season 3, Episode 63: Bombed
Original Air Date: 1/7/75
Written by: Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum
Directed by: Hy Averback
The 4077th is trying to tend to wounded and carry out normal duties, all the while being under heavy shell fire.
Tensions run high, everyone is scared, and Frank isn't helping by loudly insisting he not perform surgery on an injured North Korean. The bombs start landing so close they even blow in the windows of the O.R.! (They also hit the Officers Latrine, wounding Henry and leaving Frank disgusted he has to the Enlisted's latrine)
Things keep getting worse--a patient comes in booby trapped, and Hawkeye and Trapper have to delicately snip the wires, throwing the live grenade out the window.
Later, Trapper and Hot Lips run to the Supply Shed to get more materials. But a bomb goes off near it, causing some debris to pile up against the door, trapping them inside. Hot Lips totally loses it, sobbing uncontrollably. When Trapper tries to cheer her up, they share a brief moment, which Trapper takes a cue for romance. Hot Lips brushes him off, desperate to escape.
Hours pass, and night falls, and no one can find Trapper and Hot Lips. Meanwhile, inside, the two of them snuggle up close to keep warm. When Hawkeye and Frank break in and find them in that position, Hot Lips tries to assure Frank nothing happened.
Frank doesn't believe it, and he's so rattled that in surgery later his nerves are shot. Hawkeye takes pity on him, telling Frank that while Trapper tried, nothing happened.
Frank, acting like he doesn't know what Hawkeye is talking about, snaps into shape, getting back into performing surgery.
The bombs stop falling, so Radar decides to entertain everyone by reading a letter from home. Just as he gets to what's going on with his Cousin Ernie, the bombs start falling again!
Eventually, though, they stop, and things go back to normal. Hot Lips tries to track down Frank, reminding him of a "promise" he made to her back in her tent, and her refusal to let him forget it. Turns out Frank proposed marriage, something Hawkeye and Trapper find quite amusing.
Fun Facts: Trapper, to me at least, is a little too aggressive about his desire to have sex with Hot Lips. She repeatedly says no, but he keeps asking. I find it just this side of creepy.
Favorite Line: When Hot Lips is rattling off the stuff they need, she adds: "...oh, and Pierce needs rubber gloves."
Trapper mutters, mostly to himself, "Clotheshorse!"
Season 3, Episode 61: Private Charles Lamb
Original Air Date: 12/31/74
Written by: Sid Dorfman
Directed by: Hy Averback
Frank confronts Radar in the Mess Tent, when he sees Radar's tray loaded down with a pile of vegetables. Radar talks his way out of it, and we follow him as we see who the vegetables are really for: a menagerie of animals, all kept in separate little hutches.
Wounded arrive, mostly consisting of soldiers from a Greek unit. After the doctors patch them up, their commander visits, and as a way to say thank you, he tells Henry they will put on a huge feast for everyone in the unit--the main course being lamb, which arrives in camp still in its original form--i.e., an adorable, snow-white little lamb.
Radar is horrified at this, and his love of animals overcomes his sense of duty. He doctors up an emergency medical leave form for "Private Charles Lamb", and has Henry sign it.
When the missing lamb is discovered, Henry starts to panic. He vents to Hawkeye and Trapper, and when he reveals that HQ has gotten involved, Radar tells him of his trickery, and that Pvt. Lamb is on his way to Radar's home in Iowa.
Henry is at first angry, but that quickly turns to confused frustration at having completely lost control of the situation. Hawkeye and Trapper, finding all of this very funny, offer to help out.
The party kicks off, and the booze is flowing so copiously that no one notices the lamb has been replaced by...a spam lamb!
The party rages all night, leaving most of the 4077th hung over in the Mess Tent. Trapper is playing the guitar, Radar is dancing aimlessly, and Henry is trying to desperately to stay conscious. He fails.
Fun Facts: While Radar doesn't officially become a vegetarian after this episode, this is one of the few times I can think of that a TV series (The Simpsons being the other, more obvious, example) addressed concerns someone might have about just how and where their meat comes from.
I became a vegetarian in 1998. I have to wonder if this episode wasn't in the back of my mind all that time, leading up to the moment I decided to stop eating animals.
Favorite Line: Henry, aghast at what's been going on, summarizes: "I've got command on my tail, a hospital full of Greeks waiting for a lamb who's sitting on a plane, on his way to Iowa to become Radar's little brother!"
Season 3, Episode 61: Mad Dogs & Servicemen
Original Air Date: 12/10/74
Written by: Linda Bloodworth & Mary Kay Place
Directed by: Hy Averback
Hawkeye notices a small bite on Radar's hand, and asks him where he got it. When Radar off-handedly mentions it was from a dog bite, Hawkeye gets concerned--it could be rabies. He tells Radar he needs to find that dog.
Meanwhile, he and Trapper are having trouble with Frank over a patient. There's a corporal named Travis who is paralyzed, even though he doesn't show any wounds. Frank wants him transferred, but Hawkeye and Trapper disobey him and have Travis taken in.
Hawkeye calls Sidney Freedman for help, but Sidney says he's too busy to come. He tells Hawkeye to try and deal with Travis on his own--but it won't be easy: he can't treat Travis like he's physically wounded, lest the psychological trauma he suffered become real.
Travis thinks Hakweye is cruel, and protests that he wants to move, but can't. Hawkeye doesn't reveal its all an act, but confides to Trapper how sick it makes him having to act this way.
He tries to get Travis to talk about what happened, but he can't, or won't.
Meanwhile, Henry and Radar try and find the dog that bit him. The trail leads them to Rosie's Bar, where they ask Rosie (Shizuko Hoshi) for help. After they think they've found the right dog--one that ended up as an older Korean couple's meal (bleah!)--they realize its not the one they're looking for. With no time left, Henry tells Radar he needs to start getting the rabies shots.
Travis starts getting the initiative to crawl to the Mess Tent to get some food, which everyone takes as a good sign. But they realize he probably won't ever talk to Hawkeye, so Trapper volunteers.
He talks with Travis about their mutual home town of Boston, and eventually Travis is ready to talk about what happened: he saw a bunch of his buddies killed in front of him, and Travis got so petrified that he did nothing. Feeling guilty he couldn't defend his friends, his body essentially shut down.
Later, out on the compound, the dog that bit Radar wanders back into camp. Henry and Trapper chase it, eventually capturing it. They discover the dog isn't rabid, so Henry delivers the good news that Radar doesn't need any more shots!
Back in Henry's office, Frank and Hot Lips insist that Travis be shipped out. But they are all shocked when Travis wanders in, on his own two feet, smiling and cheerful. As Frank contemplates he was wrong--again--Henry, Hawkeye, and Trapper take Travis to the Mess Tent for a cup of coffee.
Fun Facts: Frank calls what's wrong with Travis "Shell Shock", which Trapper dismisses as cruel and old-school. While Trapper's heart is in the right place, its ironic to think that Shell Shock may have been the right term (listen to this routine by the late, great George Carlin on the subject).
This episode features the first appearance of Rosie, from Rosie's Bar. Over time, the Rosie character would be played by three different actresses.
There's a scene where Hot Lips, being unusually kind, reads a letter sent to Radar for him. Its from a young girl pen pal Radar has, and she mentions her favorite song is by Bo Diddley. Pretty hip for a mid-western farm girl in 1951!
Favorite Line: Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry are hanging out in Henry's office when Frank asks to come in. Henry denies being in, but Frank insists he can hear Henry inside.
Trapper: "Very good, Frank! Now can you guess what he's wearing?"
Season 3, Episode 60: A Full Rich Day
Original Air Date: 12/3/74
Written by: John D. Hess
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
Hawkeye, in possession of a fancy new tape recorder, decides to recite a letter home to his Dad, relating the events of what he calls "A full rich day."
First, during triage, Frank and Klinger have to deal with a Turkish solider, who, even though he is wounded, refuses to be separated from his fellow Turks, yelling and brandishing a knife in the process. Meanwhile, Radar is trying to find a Lieutenant from Luxembourg, who was supposed to be on the bus along with the other wounded.
Then, a G.I. named Smith (William Watson) arrives demanding his Sergeant be seen immediately. When Frank refuses, the G.I. points his rifle at Frank saying in no uncertain terms that's not the right answer. Frank scurries off to get Henry.
Smith then walks into Pre-Op, and makes the same "request." Hawkeye takes Smith aside while Henry takes a look at the Sergeant. Smith reluctantly agrees, but quickly grows tired of Hawkeye's small talk and theory about how each of them see the war differently.
They take the Sergeant in and start to work on him, with Smith waiting outside. As if that wasn't tense enough, the angry Turk brought in earlier gets up from the table, and in his escape from the O.R., accidentally sticks Henry with a needle, knocking him out.
After waking up, Henry is met by Col. Blanche (Curt Lowens), who as told his Lieutenant was at the 4077th. At first he is told the Lieutenant died, which is bad enough. But it gets worse when Radar has to inform Henry and Col. Blanche that the corpse is missing. Henry tells Radar to drop everything and find the body.
Trapper and Frank help fix up the Sergeant, while Radar, in his search for the missing corpse, finds the Turk hiding out in the kitchen. He grabs Hawkeye, and they try and corral him.
After trying to communicate with him in his own language, Hawkeye decides to put a drug in the drink he hands the Turk. He tells Radar it will take a few minutes for it to hit, so he puts the Turk in a jeep with Radar. When the Turk passes out, Radar is to turn right around and return to the 4077th so the Turk can be patched up.
Later, Hawkeye and Trapper tell Smith his Sergeant will be fine, but then Smith collapses in their arms--he's badly wounded, as well.
Unable to find the body, Henry offers to have a memorial for the Lieutenant, which Col. Blanche agrees to. They play the National Anthem of Luxembourg, and as it rings out over the P.A., we see a heavily bandaged solider laying in Post Op, so stirred that he struggles to get up and walk onto the compound.
Turns out this is Lt. LeClerq, who is not dead after all. Col. Blanche is overjoyed, and embraces the man--but gently!
Moments later, the jeep with Radar and the Turk returns, but with the Turk driving, and a passed-out Radar. He hands Radar over to Hawkeye, calls him a "Damn good Joe" and drives off--the end of one very weird day at the 4077th.
Fun Facts: The episode ends with Hawkeye signing off to his Dad, and even though there are some laughs, its very melancholy ending--a nice coda to an episode full of manic silliness.
Hot Lips makes no appearance in this episode.
Favorite Line: Hawkeye tries talking to the Turk in his native language, but can only speak gibberish. The Turk tries to reciprocate, trying to speak some English phonetically.
When Hawkeye mentions the knockout drug is Choral-hydrate, the Turk mutters something to the effect of "Korahyrate."
Season 3, Episode 59: Adam's Rib
Original Air Date: 11/26/74
Written by: Laurence Marks
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
With little or no wounded to take care of, Hawkeye and Trapper are bored, bored, bored!
To make matters worse, the Mess Tent has served the same awful food for 11 straight days--liver or fish. Hawkeye swears if they serve liver or fish one more time...
They head to the Mess Tent, and indeed, they are serving liver or fish. Hawkeye goes bonkers, at first yelling at the cooks and then leading the whole company in a chant of "We want something else!"
Henry makes a half-hearted attempt at a reprimand, but when he makes an off-handed comment about ribs, it sparks something in Hawkeye: ribs! That's what he wants!
Hawkeye decided he wants--nay, needs--ribs from Adam's Ribs, a takeout joint in Chicago. Henry sort of dismisses this juvenile demand, but Hawkeye won't be dissuaded. In the middle of the night, he has Radar place a call all the way to Chicago, lying to an ever-growing list of people so they patch him in to Adam's Ribs.
Finally, he places an order. The only problem now is, how to get them to the 4077th?
After a couple of false leads, Trapper remembers that he knew a girl in Chicago named Mildred. They call her, and Trapper makes sweet talk with her so she'll go pick up the ribs and ship them overseas. Mildred is pleased to hear from "Big John."
The ribs get stuck in Supply, since they didn't come with the requisite pile of official paperwork. The greedy Supply Sergeant, upon hearing the package contains the famous Adam's Ribs, demands a cut...and cole slaw! He is stunned when Hawkeye sadly informs him that he forgot to order the cole slaw.
Finally, the ribs arrive, and Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar, Klinger, and Henry sit down to eat. Just as they are about to dig in...wounded arrive. Hawkeye, in a rare moment of not dropping everything at the sound of incoming choppers, has to be dragged off by Trapper and Henry, begging for even the tiniest piece of rib to tide him over.
Fun Facts: A fairly silly premise ends up making for a classic episode, due to the superb jokes and excellent comedic performances. The two different phone call scenes--the first with Hawkeye talking to Adam's Ribs, the second with Trapper talking to Mildred--are like classic radio bits, since we only get to hear one side of the conversation.
Neither Frank or Hot Lips make an appearance in this episode.
Favorite Line: When Hawkeye is B.S.ing his way through to Adam's Ribs, at one point he poses as a reporter, doing a story on "Our star-freckled, spangled fighting boys" and gives his name as "Cranston Lamont", a bizarre, out-of-left-field reference to The Shadow that makes me laugh every time I hear it.
Season 3, Episode 58: There Is Nothing Like A Nurse
Original Air Date: 11/19/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart
Directed by: Hy Averback
During a tense moment in O.R., Hot Lips comes down hard on one of her nurses, and demands that Henry put her on "Bed Arrest"--other than during duty and mealtimes, Nurse Baker has to sit on her the foot of her bed, at attention, for a week!
After Henry dismisses Hot Lips and her idea, she grows enraged at Henry and storms out, threatening to "Go over your head--again!"
As if that wasn't bad enough, Radar receives a message saying the 4077th might be under enemy attack shortly, so all the nurses are to be shipped out to a safer location. Frank responds to the news by insisting trenches be dug all over the compound.
With all the women gone, the 4077th is a grim(mer) place. All the men are depressed, and sessions in O.R. are a mess. Captain Spaulding sings a sad song about how much they miss the women. Hawkeye and Trapper get so bored they park a jeep over Frank while he's in one of his own fox holes, so they can watch a mysterious roll of film that's under his bed.
They watch it in Henry's office, and Hawkeye, Trapper, Henry, Radar, and Klinger fall out of their chairs laughing at what they see: this is a film of Frank's wedding!
It's a depressing affair, with Frank looking like a grinning moron, and his soon-to-be bride looking miserable and stone-faced. They all make comments, Mystery Science Theatre 3000-style, admonishing Frank not to get married, and suggesting what their wedding night is going to be like.
The film ends just as Frank bursts in, saying the air raid they've been expecting has arrived. Except that the air raid is nothing more than Five O'Clock Charlie, ineffectual as always!
Henry orders Radar to tell the nurses to come back ASAP. They arrive the next morning, to the grateful men of the 4077th.
Fun Facts: The scenes of Frank's wedding is one my all-time favorite sequences on M*A*S*H, ever. Its so goofy and bizarre, and yet explains nearly everything you need to know about why Frank is the way he is. It must have been fun for Larry Linville to get to do a few scenes wearing something other than his fatigues.
Actress Jeanne Schulherr plays Mrs. Burns, but she has no lines of dialog. This same actress played 4077 nurses in two other episodes from this season.
Favorite Line: When Trapper suggests watching the roll of film under Frank's bunk, Hawkeye initially suggests "Its probably just a movie of Frank's parents being told he died at birth."
Season 3, Episode 57: Alcoholics Unanimous
Original Air Date: 11/12/74
Written by: Everett Greenbaum & Jim Fritzell
Directed by: Hy Averback
While Henry is in Seoul giving a lecture ("The U.S. Army's Position on the Hemroid"), things couldn't be more depressing at the 4077th. Rain is falling in buckets, the sound from the movie has gone out, and Frank is in charge.
After Hawkeye and Trapper get back to The Swamp in a surly mood, Frank gets the bright idea to ban drinking from the 4077th--total prohibition!
Of course, no one takes too well to the news, driving Hawkeye and Trapper to even attend Father Mulcahy's morning service just to see if they can get a nip of some of the sacrificial wine!
Frank turns to Hot Lips for support, but he's troubled by the fact that she drinks, too--from a flask she calls her "Little Nippy Bottle." Frank, as always, makes an exception when it involves him and/or Hot Lips.
Hawkeye and Trapper then decide to break into the camp's medicine supply to get some alcohol. When they hear a noise, they hide, but are surprised to see Hot Lips is there for the same reason, too.
Cut to: Hawkeye, Trapper, and Hot Lips in The Swamp, partying together, totally drunk. Frank tries to restore order, but he storms out when even Hot Lips joins in on the teasing of their "Commanding Officer."
He then asks Father Mulcahy to give a real "fire and brimstone" lecture about the evils of drink, and makes attendance mandatory.
The next morning, Hawkeye and Trapper are hung over and surly, even squabbling with one another. Their fighting continues all the way into a session in O.R., and Father Mulcahy's service.
But when Mulcahy--a little tipsy from taking a few shots from a flask to calm himself down over the idea of having so many people in the pews--forgets where he is, it turns the service into a shambles. Arguments break out, and the pressure finally gets to Frank, who starts drinking from Margaret's flask like a baby with a bottle.
Hawkeye and Trapper realize that the era of prohibition at the 4077th is now over!
Fun Facts: Yet another episode where Henry does not appear.
There's a scene where Hawkeye and Trapper squabble in The Swamp, and it escalates to the point where they're about to start hitting one another. It stops just before it comes to blows, but its a genuinely tense scene.
Favorite Line: When Hawkeye and Trapper are trying to break into a locker of medical supplies, Trapper fumbles with some keys. Hawkeye points to one in particular, and Trapper dismisses him, saying "It's for my wife's car."
Hawkeye, smart-ass as always, points to another and says, "What's that for, her chastity belt?"
Trapper then mutters something inaudible (yet clearly annoyed), leading Hawkeye to retort with "Well, you won't let her drive."
Season 3, Episode 56: Life With Father
Original Air Date: 10/29/74
Written by: Everett Greenbaum & Jim Fritzell
Directed by: Hy Averback
A young Korean girl wanders into camp, carrying a baby, asking anyone who walks by something that in her broken English is hard to decipher. Frank scoots Hot Lips away from her, sure that its some sort of scam.
Hawkeye and Trapper help her out, and it turns out she wants a bris performed for her baby. The child the son of a Cpl. Jacobsen, who is at the front and sent his wife and child to the 4077th to have the procedure done. Hawkeye and Trapper agree to perform the circumcision, but they need Father Mulcahy for the bris.
Meanwhile, Henry gets a letter in mail call from his wife, giving him permission to "fool around" while he's away from home. At first Henry is overjoyed, but a creeping feeling comes over him that maybe his wife is feeling guilty about something.
He calls Lorraine, and she tearfully reveals that she had a "brief encounter" with someone at the local Country Club. Henry's feeling of freedom quickly evaporates when the shoe is on the other foot.
Despite Frank and Hot Lips' objections (of course they object!), Father Mulcahy, with the help of a Rabbi stationed on a Navy cruiser thousands of miles away, handles the bris while Hawkeye and Trapper perform the surgery.
Fun Facts: I always thought you have to be a pretty scuzzy guy to have an affair with the wife of a guy who is overseas fighting in a war. Sheesh. (There's even a term for such a man, coined in WW II--a "Jody Grind").
After Lorraine Blake admits her infidelity, Radar comes in to ask about something, and McLean Stevenson does a wonderful series of line readings in response--he just sounds numb.
Favorite Line: Hawkeye accepts a piece of junk mail, and its a contest to win a pony. He and Trapper spend the whole episode debating what they should name the pony, and Hawkeye offers up Norman.
Trapper: "All the other horses will make fun of him!"
Season 3, Episode 55: Check-Up
Original Air Date: 10/22/74
Written by: Laurence Marks
Directed by: Don Weis
Because of a new regulation, routine medical check-ups are now mandatory. Each of the officers have to examine each other, with Hawkeye examining Hot Lips ("The house call of a lifetime"), and Frank examining Trapper.
Except that Trapper won't let Frank do it, and is very surly about the whole thing. When Hawkeye asks Trapper why, he reveals its because he has an ulcer, has had one for a few weeks--but he doesn't want it diagnosed officially because he's afraid of the treatment he'd receive.
Hawkeye, though, is overjoyed: an ulcer is a ticket home! Trapper, responding to the news, is suddenly thrilled as well!
The camp reacts to Trapper leaving--everyone is feeling bittersweet about it, except for Frank of course, who is giddy over the idea of just having Hawkeye to deal with.
They throw a big goodbye party for Trapper in the Officers Club, but just before Trapper heads over there, Radar tells him that while HQ approved the ulcer, they will not be sending him home: in fact, he'll be treated in Tokyo, then shipped to another unit!
Trapper is left with the option of staying at the 4077th and being cured there, which he decides to do, it being the best of two bad choices. He shows up at his party, and announces he's not going anywhere--but not before a drunken Hot Lips tells Trapper she's always had a crush on him.
Trapper ends his not-farewell speech with a comment for Margaret: "I'll see you tomorrow night."
Fun Facts: I was never quite sure what went wrong here: Hawkeye and Henry seem to believe an ulcer earns you a ticket home, but they don't seem to check with anyone at HQ about it. Trapper's bags are packed when HQ says he's not going home--why did everyone wait so long to find that out?
The scene with Hawkeye and Trapper as they unofficially say goodbye is wonderful, sweet and touching, and a decent stand-in for the real goodbye they never got have on the show.
Favorite Line: Hawkeye and Henry give Trapper advice about giving his wife advance warning he's coming home.
Henry: "Riiight--you don't want to walk in on anything."
Hawkeye: "Some of those 4Fs run pretty big."
Season 3, Episode 54: Springtime
Original Air Date: 10/8/74
Written by: Linda Bloodworth & Mary Kay Place
Directed by: Don Weis
Its, for once, a beautiful day in Korea. Spring has sprung, and each of the 4077th has a different way of enjoying the day--Trapper wants to grab some booze, a girl, and a jeep, while Hawkeye just wants to sleep.
Radar takes notice of a new nurse, Lt. Simmons (Mary Kay Place), sunning herself in her bathing suit. Frank and Hot Lips go on a picnic, while Henry plays some golf. Meanwhile, Klinger gets some exciting news--his girlfriend Laverne has agreed to marry him!
Hawkeye befriends a patient of his, Marine Sgt. Lyle Wesson (Alex Karras), who isn't all that bright, but is very sweet and a little too overenthusiastic--he insists on paying Hawkeye back for patching him up, despite Hawkeye saying--repeatedly--that its not necessary. Wesson doesn't listen, and acts as Hawkeye's man-servant, going so far as to kicking people out of their seats in the Mess Tent to Hawkeye and Trapper have a place to sit down.
Radar tries to get to know Lt. Simmons, partly by pretending to read poetry. It works a little too well--Lt. Simmons becomes enflamed by passion, leaping onto Radar and smothering him in kisses!
At the same time, Henry patches through a call to Laverne back in Toledo, and she and Klinger proceed to get married over the phone via Father Mulcahy. Hot Lips and Frank burst in, demanding the wedding be stopped because its against regulations.
When they won't let up, even after Hawkeye tells them to pipe down, Lyle takes it upon himself and picks up Frank, twirling him in the air until he's dizzy! Hawkeye convinces Lyle to put Frank down, but by then the couple have both said "I do."
While everyone is celebrating, Radar walks in, looking dazed, his hair mussed, shirt open, covered in lipstick. He's not sure what happened!
Fun Facts: When Klinger reads the letter from Laverne, he jumps up and runs toward the camp in joy. For a brief moment, you can see that Jamie Farr is wearing sneakers!
This episode is co-written by Lt. Simmons herself, Mary Kay Place.
Favorite Line: Radar asks Hawkeye and Trapper for advice concerning Lt. Simmons. They suggest taking her to the movies, and Radar is impressed: "Wow, that's a great idea!"
Trapper: "Thanks, we invented it."
Hawkeye: "We get a 2-cent royalty every time a guy asks a girl to a movie."
Season 3, Episode 53: O.R.
Original Air Date: 10/8/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Laurence Marks
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
A grueling session in O.R. leads to all kinds of tense and unusual situations
A patient asks to write a letter to his wife, confessing to numerous infidelities, before he goes under. Father Mulcahy takes dictation, but Trapper admonishes him not to send it--"He's gonna pull through."
Frank, feeling the pressure of all the wounded, almost removes the one remaining kidney of a patient before Trapper steps in. Hawkeye performs open-heart massage, pulling a patient back from the brink of death.
Henry has to deal with a patient so badly wounded that, if he starts work, will mean the loss of other, less mortally wounded patients. He grimly decides not to go ahead, basically allowing the solider to die.
Trapper and Frank have a surprisingly candid talk while taking a few minutes off, where Trapper gets a hint of what kind of boy Frank was growing up, turning him into the man he is today. Trapper displays some sympathy, but only goes so far..
There's so many wounded that when Sidney Freedman arrives for a the weekly poker game, he is put to work performing surgery.
Later, Hawkeye is told the patient he worked so hard to save has died in Post Op, leaving him temporarily demoralized, unable to continue working. Sidney gives him a bit of a pep talk, and Hawkeye dutifully goes back to work. To top things off, a fire breaks out on a piece of electrical wiring, but a quick-thinking Trapper puts it out.
After all the wounded are taken care of, we are left with Hawkeye and Trapper, almost completely passed out, as the P.A. announcer tells of a change-up in the command structure, one General succeeding another, ending with "No one's succeeding us...at all."
Fun Facts: Except for an opening scene in the Scrub Room, this episode takes place entirely in the O.R. In addition, there is no laugh track anywhere in the show.
Sidney Freedman's little speech "Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice--pull down your pants, and slide on the ice", will be repeated in M*A*S*H's very last episode, as Freedman's final exit line.
This episode is not generally listed on any "Ten Best" list from the series, but its one of my all-time favorites: taking place entirely in the O.R., with no laugh track, it feels very different than all the other episodes. While there are some genuine laughs, overall its a very grim episode, with a downbeat ending--yet its that very grimness that, to me, makes this episode so compelling.
Favorite Line: During Hawkeye and Henry's heart-to-heart outside the O.R.: "Wars don't last forever, Henry. Only War does."
Season 3, Episode 52: Iron Guts Kelly
Original Air Date: 10/1/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Sid Dorfman
Directed by: Don Weis
The 4077th is visited by yet another blustery general, Gen. Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly (the great James Gregory) and his assistant, Col. Wortman (Keene Curtis).
Gen. Kelly takes a real shine to Hot Lips, and during a late night drink at the Officers Club, he instructs Col. Wortman to get a tour of the 4077's "Motor pool set-up" from Frank--hopefully taking a couple of hours in the process. Wortman gets the idea, though it takes Henry a little longer to understand what's going on.
A few hours later, Hot Lips bursts into The Swamp, desperately needing help from Hawkeye and Trapper. After initially refusing, they go to her tent, where they find a deceased Gen. Kelly, who died in...mid-performance.
While trying to figure out what to do, Frank arrives. She is shocked to see Hawkeye and Trapper there, playing cards with Hot Lips. Unusual, to say the least.
After getting rid of Frank by pretending to have a headache, Hawkeye and Trapper sneak Gen. Kelly's body out of Margaret's tent, and into Col. Wortman's tent. They tell him what happened (sort of), and he demands that Gen. Kelly has to die "More meaningfully"--in the middle of a battle. He demands the doctors sign a death certificate to that effect, but they refuse.
He threatens them with a court-martial, but since they have the truth on their side, they're not scared. He finally convinces them to put the body in an ambulance, and he'll drive it to the front where there's some fighting.
After putting the body in an ambulance, it drives off, filled with "Business Girls" who some local MPs have arrested. Wortman asks where the ambulance is, and the doctors thought he took it.
Henry finally storms in, wondering why everyone seems to be up in the middle of the night. As Hawkeye and Trapper try to explain, they get a call from the front, saying that Gen. Kelly has been found dead in an ambulance filled with girls.
Wortman takes the phone, and tells the soldier on the other end to take the body to a sector where Wortman order an attack on--with rockets and jets--so Kelly will die "A full-scale, blazing, all-out, glorious, star-spangled-bannered death."
Henry, confused, asks Hawkeye and Trapper if he understands what's happening: is Col. Wortman trying to kill a man who's already dead? Hawkeye and Trapper answer yes, and head back to The Swamp.
Fun Facts: Having the same name as the General, I tried for years to get people to call me "Iron Guts", with no luck.
Favorite Line: Hawkeye and Trapper refuse to sign Col. Wortman's idea of a death certificate for Gen. Kelly, even after he hits them with a Zen saying about how Generals always die in battle.
Hawkeye: "There's another Zen saying: 'Only doctors with holes in heads fill out death certificates like gift vouchers.'"
Season 3, Episode 51: Officer of the Day
Original Air Date: 9/24/74
Written by: Laurence Marks
Directed by: Hy Averback
With Henry away, Frank is in charge. During Morning Formation, he assigns Hawkeye to be Officer of the Day, but is angered when Hawkeye isn't there to receive the assignment.
He wakes Hakweye up from a deep sleep to give him the OR armband, logbook, plus belt and side-arm. Hawkeye flatly--and imaginatively--refuses to carry a gun.
After dealing with minor annoyances (like inspecting the guards, keeping Klinger from going AWOL, and finding Radar's stolen teddy bear, filched by the two young sons of Trapper's tailor), he has to deal with Col. Flagg, who arrives in camp with a wounded prisoner.
Flagg admits shooting the prisoner while he was trying to get away, and he wants the 4077th to patch him up. Hawkeye and Trapper agree, but are horrified to find out Flagg wants him tended to so he can execute him over the weekend.
Hawkeye and Trapper then stall as long as possible, trying to keep Flagg from taking the prisoner. Frank orders them to sign the patient's release, but they flat out refuse. Flagg finally gets so sick of this, he threatens Hawkeye by cocking his gun and hinting strongly Hawkeye should sign. He does, disgustedly.
Later that night, Flagg watches them load a stretcher into his ambulance, and reminds Hawkeye and Trapper not to take him on again.
But just before the ambulance doors close, we see that the "prisoner" is really Klinger, who wants a trip to Seoul. The ambulance drives off, with Hawkeye and Trapper with a sly grin on their faces.
The next day, Hawkeye recites a report to Radar about the events of the day. Trapper steps in, showing off his new suit. Its a beautiful pinstripe suit, unfortunately, the stripes are going in the wrong direction!
Fun Facts: Edward Winter's Col. Flagg character takes a major leap from his last appearance. In that episode, he was a goofy, way-too-gung ho spy, but in this one he's psychotic and cruel.
Trapper's horizontally-pinstriped suit is one of the great sight-gags of all time. A classic prop, I wonder where it is now?
There's a subtly creepy moment during the confrontational scene with Hawkeye and Flagg. While Flagg demands Hawkeye sign the release, he strokes his gun lovingly.
But that's not what's most interesting: watch Hot Lips in this scene--Loretta Swit has Hot Lips looking positively orgasmic at this display of murderous machismo. Her eyes grow wide, she starts to breathe heavily. She looks like she wants to boff Flagg, right then and there. Genuinely disturbing, and a great little insight into Hot Lips' personality.
Henry, explained as being on R&R, makes no appearance in this episode at all.
Favorite Line: The scene pictured above, with Hot Lips, Frank, and Flagg threatening Hawkeye and Trapper, is fall-down funny, Alda and Rogers seemingly ad-libbing some of the responses.
After one threat, Hawkeye turns conspiratorially to Trapper, and says: "Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town."
Its such a bizarre, perfectly-delivered non-sequitur that you can see Wayne Rogers start to laugh out loud, just before the camera cuts away.
Season 3, Episode 50: Rainbow Bridge
Original Air Date: 9/17/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Laurence Marks
Directed by: Hy Averback
Hawkeye and Trapper prepare for three days R&R in Tokyo. But their anticipation is cut-short when a supply of plasma arrives, meaning there will soon be a bunch of casualties to put the plasma into.
Its an extraordinarily heavy load--around 400 wounded in three days--and everyone is exhausted. While Hawkeye and Trapper fight with Frank and Hot Lips in the Mess Tent, Henry arrives saying they just got a message from the Chinese--a group of wounded American soldiers require more assistance than they can provide, so they are offering the 4077th the chance to come and get them. The only problem is the Chinese unit is just pass The Rainbow Bridge, which is five miles inside the Chinese border.
Frank and Hot Lips think its a trap, but Hawkeye and Trapper insist they go, saying they shouldn't waste this humanitarian offer. Henry agrees, and soon Hawkeye, Trapper, Frank (goaded into going by Hot Lips, who think there might be a promotion in this), Radar, and Klinger are on a bus, headed for the border.
Once they arrive, they meet the Chinese commanding officer, Dr. Ling Tan (legendary character actor Mako). The Chinese insisted the doctors not bring any guns, but of course Frank hasn't listened. In a tense moment, he goes for his gun, causing Tan to break the deal.
Hawkeye and Trapper talk him out of it, and demand Frank give up his firearm. They all laugh--even the Chinese soldiers with their Russian rifles pointed at the doctors--when they see Frank is carrying a miniscule gun, barely more than a pea-shooter.
The air cleared, Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar, and Klinger collect the wounded, and head home.
Later that day, Hawkeye and Trapper prepare for their delayed R&R trip, but pass out in their bunks from exhaustion. Radar covers them with blankets, wishing them a good night.
Fun Facts: This episode opens up with singer/songwriter Loudon Wainwright III playing Captain Spaulding, singing an original song, "North Korean Blues." Its repeated in the middle of episode, and at the end--this is the closest M*A*S*H would ever get to a musical episode.
Related to that, this episode features an extraordinarily-directed sequence. After the bus drives off, the camera follows a worried Henry as he walks across the compound. Off-camera, we hear Capt. Spaulding play his song, and as Henry continues to walk, he passes Spaulding, providing a sort of Greek chorus for the show:
..its a wonderfully moody, well-composed sequence, timed just right, with an effective use of the song.
This would be first of many appearances by character actor Mako, always playing a different part.
Favorite Line: This episode is full of great lines, but my particular favorite is whe Hawkeye is on the bus, waiting while Trapper goofily embraces Hot Lips in a mock romantic gesture.
Hawkeye: "As for me, I think Ralph Bellamy said it best: 'If I can't get the girl, at least give me more money.'"
Season 3, Episode 49: The General Flipped At Dawn
Original Air Date: 9/10/74
Written by: Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum
Directed by: Larry Gelbart
Yet another new General, Bartford Hamilton Steele, assumes command in Korea, overseeing, among other things, the 4077th.
He issues a series of orders, involving stricter dress codes and daily calesthentics, with makes Hawkeye and Trapper roll in their eyes in contempt. Henry tries to get them to take this seriously, and his worry is only exacerbated when Steele announces he will visiting the 4077th and staying there for a week!
Steele (Harry Morgan) arrives, and he is a bellicose, by-the-book type of guy. He snaps at Henry for not following formation exactly, and then has Henry assemble the troops for inspection.
He inspects Frank, Hot Lips, Radar, and Father Mulcahy, each finding something at fault. Henry and Radar are panicked when they see Klinger--in his finest frock--make a beeline for Steele.
Klinger introduces himself to Steele, who surprisingly responds with, "Not now, Marjorie--I'm inspecting the troops!" Not the response Henry, Radar, and Klinger were expecting!
Later that night, during inspection of the Supply Shed, Henry and Steele stumble upon Hawkeye and Nurse Baker on a date, ending with Hawkeye pretending to be a member of the Press. Steele actually buys this, and after further comments its obvious Steele is nuts.
They then make it over to the Officers Club, where they meet Trapper and chopper pilot Marty Williams (Teddy Wilson). He asks Williams how much gas he uses retrieving wounded from the front, and when he doesn't like the answer he gets, he says the 4077th needs to be moved closer to the front!
After scouting a new location for the 4077th with Henry and Frank--a location covered in heavy enemy fire, to Steele's indifference--he and Hawkeye have another run-in on the chopper pad, where Hawkeye commandeers it away from Steele so he can ship a wounded patient to Tokyo for further care. Steele calls Hawkeye "Insubordinate" and "Insolent", to which Hawkeye responds, "Right...and you're nuts!"
Steele brings Hawkeye up on charges, and puts together a formal hearing. He barks at the MP brought along to skip through all the formalities and get to he charges. The first witness is Marty Williams, but before he can testify, Steele insists Williams perform "A number."
When Williams--and everyone else--look dumbfounded, Steele insists "A number...a musical number! You've got it in your blood, boy, just let it out!"
Steele then breaks into "Mississippi Mud", an old-timey song, dancing a jig around the Mess Tent. He gets so caught up in his performance, he dances right out of the tent!
The MP, sitting beside Steele, grimaces, picks up his paperwork, closes his satchel, and walks out without a word. Hawkeye and Henry surmise this means that the 4077th is not leaving, only Steele is, to which Hawkeye adds, "In a rubber truck."
Later, Stars & Stripes reports that Steele has been promoted to a 3-star, and sent to the Pentagon. When Frank insists that means Hawkeye and co. were wrong about Steele being crazy, Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry sarcastically agree, breaking into their own version of "Mississippi Mud" and dancing out of The Swamp.
Fun Facts: For any obsessive M*A*S*H fan, obviously the big event of this episode is the chance to see the 4077th's two Colonels in the same frame (I feel the same way about The Cat From Outer Space).
Sure, Harry Morgan isn't actually playing Col. Potter, but its close, and growing up I just couldn't get enough of his scenes with McLean Stevenson, especially since the character of Henry Blake would haunt the show after his death. It just seemed so cool to me. Still does.
With this, the first episode of the third season, M*A*S*H was moved to a third time-slot, to Tuesdays. But by now, America had discovered the show, and its ratings dominance would continue apace.
Hawkeye once again mentions his sister, who in later seasons will not exist.
The opening lyrics to "Mississippi Mud" are fairly benign:
"When the sun goes down, the tide goes out,
The people gather 'round and they all begin to shout,
'Hey! Hey! Uncle Dud,
It's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi Mud
It's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi Mud'"
...but to my ears, Steele sings some sort of racist alternate version, which goes like this:
"When the sun goes down, the tide goes out,
The dark gather 'round and they all begin to shout,
'Hey! Hey! Uncle Dud,
It's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi Mud
It's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi Mud'"
When you think about it, the final scene of the third act is totally insane. Its so strange that you could imagine the whole third act of the show falling on its face, but Harry Morgan's performance is so perfectly daft that it works.
(By the way, when Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry reprise the song, they sing the offending line as: "We all gather 'round and we all begin to shout")
This is the first episode of M*A*S*H written by the team of Everett Greenbaum and Jim Fritzell, who would write some of the show's most significant episodes.
Favorite Line: Frank complains that his part of The Swamp is neat and tidy, but the other parties "Who shall remain nameless", live like swine.
This leads Hawkeye and Trapper, who are cleaning up over the scrub sink after surgery, to turn to each other, shake hands and politely greet one another with:
Hawkeye: "Pierce."
Trapper: "McIntyre."
Hawkeye: "...The Swine Brothers."
On last night's TV Land Awards show, M*A*S*H received an "Impact" award, recognizing the show's, well, impact on popular culture.
Appearing on stage were, from left to right, William Christopher, Jeff Maxwell, Alan Arbus, Loretta Swit, Mike Farrell, Burt Metcalfe, Alan Alda, Kellye Nakahara, Wayne Rogers, and Larry Gelbart.
Alda, Swit, and Rogers spoke, but I thought it was Larry Gelbart's brief--and to the point--remarks that were the most memorable (that, and Loretta Swit's gams!).
You can view the whole presentation here!
Season 2, Episode 48: A Smattering of Intelligence
Original Air Date: 3/2/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Laurence Marks
Directed by: Larry Gelbart
After some wounded arrive, a chopper crashes--but the only person wounded is Col. Flagg (Edward Winter), who has a broken arm. Flagg is a uber-tough guy, refusing any pain medication and not finding Capt. Pierce funny at all.
After being bandaged up, Flagg goes to see Henry and admits who he is, including a list of all his multiple aliases. Flagg says he can't officially have been at the 4077, so Henry has to doctor the paperwork.
Later, an old friend of Trapper's arrives, Vinnie Pratt (Bill Fletcher). He tells them that he's part of G2, and he's here to follow up on what Flagg is doing. He reveals that each branch of the U.S. intelligence community investigates one other, which Hawkeye and Trapper find ridiculous and a giant waste of time. Henry is also displeased when he meets Pratt, and just wants the 4077th left out of all this skullduggery.
Flagg's arm heals, but to stay in camp he smashes it, breaking it all over again! He then sends a ridiculously coded message to his superiors, which Hawkeye, Trapper, and Pratt intercept.
To have some fun, Hawkeye and Trapper drop hints that maybe Frank is worth looking into--after all, wouldn't someone with something to hide be as gung ho patriotic as possible?
To lead them on futher, they doctor Frank's file with all sort of incriminating details, which Flagg finds. Then they replace it with a second file, which Pratt finds.
Later, both Flagg and Pratt come to arrest Burns, each for different and conflicting reasons. Frank insists he's innocent, but both Flagg and Pratt aren't moved.
Just as they're about to carry Frank off, Hawkeye and Trapper admit this was all their doing, and they did it just to highlight how wasteful and silly all this spy stuff is. Flagg isn't happy, but Pratt takes it a little better.
Wounded arrive, leaving Flagg and Pratt in The Swamp. They decide to get some coffee, but not before Pratt takes some pictures of The Swamp with a tiny camera.
The episode ends with Col. Flagg's report on M*A*S*H 4077, which "Strongly suggests further observation."
Fun Facts: This is actor Edward Winter's second appearance on the show, but his first as Col. Flagg. Trapper's pal Pratt is never heard from again, but of course Col. Flagg would come back to the visit 4077 several times.
I love how Col. Flagg is in a permanent, pseudo-tough guy squint in his every appearance. Winter's performance--and the show's take on the character--is an example of the concept of the Anti-Comic.
While Hawkeye, Trapper, etc., using humor to repeatedly goof on the whole notion of Authority, and point out the stupidity of violence, bloodshed, and a blinding, unquestioning obedience to one's leaders, Winter's Col. Flagg embodies all those traits--he doesn't make a joke, because he is the joke. He and Archie Bunker would have gotten along great.
In the last scene with Flagg and Pratt, Pratt calls Flagg "Sam." Is this really Col. Flagg's first name, or yet another alias?
This is the final show of the second season.
Favorite Line: When tells Trapper: "You really hit me below the belt", Trapper responds with: "Come see me, I do hernias."
Season 2, Episode 47: Mail Call
Original Air Date: 2/23/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Laurence Marks
Directed by: Alan Alda
It's Mail Call at the 4077th, and each member of the camp receives something.
Hawkeye gets a homemade sweater, two sizes too big, from his sister. Henry gets a package of check stubs from his wife Lorraine so he can balance her checkbook for her. Trapper gets a letter and a picture from his two daughters. Frank gets a letter from his stockbrokers, telling him he's now $2,000 richer now than he was a month ago--all thanks to the war and Frank's investments in arms manufacturing.
While Frank heads off to Hot Lips' tent to share the good news, Hawkeye decides to pull a prank on him. He fakes a letter to his stockbroker, mentioning a tip about something called Pioneer Aviation, which will make Hawkeye rich beyond his wildest dreams.
Frank's lip quivers with excitement over the news. When he realizes the letter he's reading is missing a page, he tears up The Swamp looking for the rest. Hawkeye and Trapper watch from afar with amusement. Later, Frank tells his stockbroker to sell all his stocks and put everything into Pioneer Aviation.
Meanwhile, Trapper grows despondent over not being around his girls. He gets drunk and decides he's leaving, right then and there. Hawkeye tries to talk him out of it, but Trapper is so determined he pushes Hawkeye over and starts storming out.
He is interrupted by Frank coming the other way, who dismisses Trapper by saying, "I could buy or sell you!"
Trapper and Hawkeye decide to reveal the trick, having gotten a hold of Frank's letter to his stockbroker. They tell Pioneer Aviation doesn't exist, and Frank storms out.
As Trapper lay the floor, laughing hysterically, Hawkeye uses the opportunity to start unpacking Trapper's hastily-put-together duffel bag.
Fun Facts: Hawkeye mentions a sister in this episode, who basically gets fazed out of existence in later seasons (the same thing that happened to his Mom).
One aspect to Hawkeye's joke I don't understand--Pioneer Aviation doesn't exist. Wouldn't that mean it was impossible for Frank to lose his money? Wouldn't his stockbroker(s) still have Frank's money on hand? But in the final scene with Frank and Hot Lips, you get the impression Frank has lost all his investments.
Favorite Line: When Frank exclaims like a kid upon hearing he's richer, Trapper deadpans, "They're sending him his Captain Midnight ring."
Season 1, Episode 46: George
Original Air Date: 2/16/74
Written by: John Regier and Gary Markowitz
Directed by: Gene Reynolds
Amid the wounded that have just arrived, one of them is covered in bruises. Hawkeye worries, realizing those aren't the kind of bruises one gets in combat.
While Henry and Frank argue over whether a patient should get a week's R&R in Tokyo (Henry pro, Frank con, of course), Hawkeye's patient--a quiet guy named George--asks if he can talk to Hawkeye privately.
George wants to discharged as soon as possible and get back to his unit. Hawkeye tries to dissuade him, but George insists he wants to go back to combat. When pressed, George admits why: he says that two guys got beat up in his unit--"One colored, and one homosexual."
George insists that its important to him--now more than ever--that he return to his unit and finish his tour of duty. Hawkeye reluctantly agrees.
Later, Frank comes back to The Swamp, acting coy about something "Very interesting" that he's learned about a certain person. He tells that them Pvt. Weston is "One of those in camp", which gives Frank the willies.
Frank insists Weston is a pervert and a creampuff, even though Weston asked--demanded--to return to combat, and has been wounded in the line of duty four times.
He then has Weston moved off of his surgical schedule, and tells Hot Lips why. They both prepare to bring Weston up on charges, so Hawkeye and Trapper prepare a plan to thwart Frank.
They pretend to have an argument in The Swamp, with Trapper now saying he agrees with Frank about Weston. Frank is happy to have support, and they confide in one another, with Trapper--after Hawkeye's prodding--telling him that he cheated on his medical exams.
Frank, forgetting himself, admits he did, too. This enrages Hawkeye, who basically trade blackmail for blackmail, saying if Frank goes ahead with the paperwork on Weston, Hawkeye will report that Frank cheated on his exams.
When Frank looks for comfort from Trapper, Trapper says he was just kidding. Frank, feeling trapped, tears up the paperwork, defeated.
Fun Facts: Had the phrase been around at the time, this episode could've been called "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
An amazingly progressive episode, especially when you think of when it aired, "George" manages to presage almost all the arguments about homosexuality--both in and out of the military--that are currently debated nowadays. Frank insists George, because he's gay, is a "creampuff", yet he's a brave combat soldier, something of course Frank could never be.
In the scene with Hot Lips, Hawkeye explains that Frank's pulse "Does the cha-cha" every time he's around Weston. Frank snaps, "What's that supposed to mean?!", hinting at the idea that anyone so rabidly anti-gay must have some deep-seated issue about homosexuality, independent of political ideology.
After Frank storms out of The Swamp, saying he's going to report Weston, Hawkeye talks to the picture of Frank's mother, saying that he's sorry to report that her son "Suffers from terminal righteousness." He bites off the olive on the toothpick in his martini with a snap, and his face contorts into a look of utter disgust. In this moment, at least, he absolutely hates Frank Burns.
Favorite Line: When Frank walks into The Swamp and acts all coy about "Knowing something about a certain person", Hawkeye asks "Is this person a well-stacked US Army Major nurse, who's bigger than a breadbox and you're seeing on the side?"
Frank, forgetting himself for a moment, answers just as coyly, "No...", then he catches himself, offended: "No!"
Again, not a line that reads funny, but Larry Linville's reading of it is priceless.
