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Season 9, Episode 201: Your Retention, Please
Original Air Date: 1/5/81
Written by: Erik Tarloff
Directed by: Charles S. Dubin
Klinger gets a letter from his ex-wife Laverne, whom he assumes is writing because she wants him back (after dumping him in Season Six's "Mail Call Three.")
But while Laverne admits it was a mistake running off with the guy she dumped Klinger for, she doesn't want Klinger back: she's now in love with Klinger's best friend, Gus Nagy, whom Klinger instructed to keep an eye on Laverne. Klinger is devastated--losing his girl and his best friend in one sentence.
That same day, the local retention officer, Sgt. Vickers (Barry Corbin) arrives to see who he can interest in re-upping for another tour with the Army. One of the people on his list is...Klinger.
Meanwhile, Winchester is having a tough time dealing with his nurse, who is in this case a man, and has the audacity to offer Winchester advice during a complicated surgical procedure. Winchester is affronted, but when the nurse, named Hutchinson (Sam Weisman), says he was part of the surgical team back home that developed the procedure, everyone else chides Winchester to listen. He does, and the procedure goes off without a hitch.
Sgt. Vickers tries to get his targets to re-up, but it doesn't go well: Igor flatly refuses (saying he has a wife--and a girlfriend--to go home to). He then asks Hutchinson, which provokes a fight--Hutchinson is disgusted with the Army, because, as a male nurse, the Armk treats him like a second-class citizen, literally: while making all female nurses automatic Lieutenants, they made Hutchinson a Private.
Vickers tries his spiel on Klinger in the O Club, where he's drinking away his sorrows. After schmoozing Klinger about how the Army would never leave him, Klinger falls for it, and asks, "Where do I sign?"
Hawkeye, filling in for Klinger as clerk (as punishment for goofing on Col. Potter, who had to sit everyone down and talk to them about re-upping with the Army), runs into Vickers and sees that he "bagged" Klinger. Hawkeye is aghast at Vickers, who admits that he took advantage of Klinger's drunken vulnerability the night before.
Hawkeye finds Klinger in the O Club, asleep right there on the bar. He's sure Klinger doesn't remember signing anything, except he does: he remembers re-upping, and he's happy with his decision.
Hawkeye tries to talk Klinger out of it, but it seems its too late--except for the fact that, until Col. Potter administers the official Army oath to Klinger, he's not re-upped. They go to Col. Potter, who is mad at Hawkeye's blunt criticisms of the Army, but he also wants Klinger to take some time and think about his decision.
Hawkeye walks away, but, just seconds later, Klinger heads into Potter's tent to take the oath!
Later, Hawkeye helps Klinger write a letter to Laverne. He starts slow, but then lets his Id spill and tells Laverne off, getting it all off his chest. Now feeling better, he realizes he's free--except for the fact he's got six more years in the Army!
Hawkeye, enraged, heads to Potter's tent, yelling at him for re-upping Klinger. Except that...Potter didn't administer the oath, rather, he gave Klinger the Presidential oath, to buy everyone some time.
Hawkeye apologizes, and tells Potter Klinger has changed his mind again. Potter, worried that Klinger's been left alone thinking he's got another Army tour ahead of him, rushes into his office, but Klinger is gone!
Later, they hold a ceremony for Pvt. Hutchinson, who they make an honorary Lieutenant for his last three weeks at the 4077th, in an attempt to correct the Army's mistake (using Margaret's old Lieutenant's bar).
During the ceremony, Klinger arrives, naked, riding Sophie like Lady Godiva, in a desperate attempt to show he's unfit for duty. Klinger is confused when Potter promises to have him impeached!
Fun Facts: Hawkeye and Potter really have it out, and its nice to see that kind of genuine tension between two very different points of view. Sure, Hawkeye has good reason to hate the Army, but he's being ridiculous when he insists that anyone who wants to be in the military is an idiot (see below).
Favorite Line: Hawkeye, arguing with Potter and Klinger, slips and says "Nobody but an idiot would ever re-enlist!"
Potter stops in his tracks, turns, looks him in the eye, and says, "I wonder if you can think of any exceptions to that rule."
Season 7, Episode 161: The Price
Original Air Date: 1/15/79
Written by: Erik Tarloff
Directed by: Charles Dubin
Col. Potter rides back to camp, having spent a near-perfect day out with his horse Sophie. When he makes it back to his tent, he and Radar give the laundry to an elderly Korean gentleman, Mr. Pak (Yuki Shimoda) and his daughter Sun (Miko Mayama).
Col. Potter is a little concerned over how unhealthy Mr. Pak looks, and suggests he come to the hospital for an exam. Mr. Pak refuses, and his daughter explains he's a proud man--a former cavalry officer--and is not happy to be "reduced" to doing laundry. Col. Potter, a old cavalry man himself, understands.
Later that night, Margaret is getting a shower when she is startled by a young man hiding in the tent. She screams, and he runs out of the tent, into the arms of Hawkeye and B.J.
After calming everything down, Hawkeye and B.J. find out who the boy is--he's a young man named Ham (Ken Mochizuki), who ran away when the South Korean Army attempted to "draft" him into service. Hawkeye and B.J. are disgusted at the South Korean Army's strong arm tactics, and offer to hide Ham at the 4077th, turning to Klinger for a disguise. He offers a complete outfit for a few bucks, trying to raise enough capital to bribe Col. Potter into giving him a discharge.
The next morning, Col. Potter and Radar are shocked to see that Sophie is gone! Col. Potter assumes he left her coral open at the end of the night, and they quickly arrange a massive search to find her.
But all day passes with no luck. Col. Potter grows despondent, coming to grips with the idea he's never going to see Sophie again. He asks Radar to share a drink with him as a toast to "absent friends."
That night, two South Korean officials wander into camp, looking for Ham, who Hawkeye and B.J. are hiding under a blanket in Winchester's bed. The two officials ask for "Winchester" to be woken up, but Hawkeye and B.J. refuse.
The ruse is exposed when Winchester walks in, and the South Koreans demand to know who is in his bed--they pull the blanket back, to find a young...woman?
Winchester puts on a perfect act, accusing Hawkeye and B.J. of bringing one of their "doxies" into the tent. The two South Korean officials buy this, figuring its a local prostitute (since Ham is wearing one of Klinger's outfits). They laugh and snigger, then leave.
Hawkeye and B.J. thank Winchester for going along. Winchester accepts their thanks, then demands Ham get out of his bed!
The next morning, Sophie returns to the 4077th, ridden by Mr. Pak, dressed in full military regalia. The daughter explains that her father was once a proud man, and couldn't help claiming Sophie as his own, so he could feel like a young, brave solider once again.
Col. Potter understands this motivation better than anyone, and actually offers to let Mr. Pak keep Sophie. He says that Sophie means the world to him, but, to Mr., Pak, "she means even more."
Mr. Pak's daughter tearfully thanks Col. Potter, and accepts for her father. They turn around and wander off, leaving Col. Potter standing there with Sophie's empty bridal. Radar is stunned at Col. Potter's overwhelming gesture of kindness: "Colonel--that's just about the best thing I ever saw anybody do ever."
Later that night, Hawkeye and B.J. come back to the Swamp to find Ham packing this things, ready to enlist. They try and talk him out of it, but Ham saw Mr. Pak and how brave he was, and feels compelled not to run away any more. He leaves, despite the protests of Hawkeye and B.J.
The next morning, Mr. Pak's daughter is back, with Sophie. She explains to Col. Potter that her father died over night. But, thanks to Col. Potter, he died with pride and dignity, something she never will forget. She plants a gentle kiss on Col. Potter's cheek, hands him Sophie's lead, and walks off.
Fun Facts: A very sweet episode, and a great showcase for Harry Morgan. As someone who loves animals, it always gets me a little bit when Col. Potter gives up Sophie. And I love Radar's reaction--he's impressed beyond words with his commander.
Favorite Line: Hawkeye and B.J. ask Radar if they know who the young man is.
Hawkeye: "We found him in Major Houlihan's shower."
Radar: "Wow!"
B.J.: "You know him?"
Radar: "No, but he's sure got guts."
Original Air Date: 1/19/74
Written by: Erik Tarloff
Directed by: Hy Averback
Henry is being driven nuts by the antics of one Pvt. Baker (Todd Susman), who is constantly trying to go AWOL.
When he is caught again, Henry sends Baker to Father Mulcahy for counseling. While talking to Mulcahy, Baker confesses what the problem is...and its his nose. Baker has a giant one, and he desperately wants cosmetic surgery to fix it, but he keeps getting turned down by HQ.
Mulcahy takes him to Hawkeye and Trapper, and Baker's desperation gets to them, and they volunteer to help him out. But since they're not specialists, they call in an old friend of Hawkeye's, a cosmetic surgeon to the stars, Major Stanley Robbins (Stuart Margolin). He initially refuses to come, but when Hawkeye promises him a night with a nurse he calls "The Barracuda", the way over-sexed Robbins hops in a jeep.
Henry approves of all this, but wants to kept in the dark. Hawkeye and Trapper get Robbins and Baker to talk, and he picks a nose(!) out a book of choices. They then begin "Operation Noselift."
It involves distracting Frank and Hot Lips, and then pretending that Radar has had his nose broken by an errant baseball--luckily world famous cosmetic surgeon Stanley Robbins just happens to be in camp!
Baker pretends to leave camp, and sneaks back in undetected. He makes his way to O.R., but Robbins is nowhere to be seen: he's busy making unwanted advances towards Hot Lips!
Hawkeye rescues Hot Lips, and gets Robbins to the task at hand. He performs the surgery, just as Frank notices that Radar seems to be fine. They demand to know who the surgery, which is against regulations, was on. They are sure they'll find out, since surgery on the nose can't be hidden.
Except...when they make it onto the compound, they see that everyone in camp, even the 4077th's camp mutt, is wearing bandages on their nose. Hawkeye and Trapper give them oh-so-innocent looks, and wander off.
As Robbins prepares to leave, he thanks Hawkeye for introducing him to The Barracuda. It then dawns on the doctors that there really is a Barracuda, and they interrogate a group of nurses trying to find out who The Barracuda is!
Fun Facts: Henry mentions that the camp had The Thing and The Blob in one week. Not that that wouldn't have made an awesome double-feature, but unfortunately The Blob wasn't released until 1958.
Stuart Margolin makes his second appearance on M*A*S*H, but as a different character. His character is such a lothario, that he pretty much sexually attacks Hot Lips, even after he begins to scream.
The scene with the two of them is just this side of disturbing, since Robbins is practically trying to rape Hot Lips, yet the scene is played for laughs. The only reason the whole sequence isn't just horribly offensive is that we've seen how tough Hot Lips is, so we can guess she'd really deck Robbins one if it got to that point. Still, kind of a creepy scene.
A much funnier scene is in Henry's office, when Hawkeye and Trapper are calling Major Robbins. Hawkeye has all the dialogue, but in the background we see Trapper playing with the little Japanese doll prop seen on Henry's desk in a couple of previous episodes. Not saying a word, he accidentally breaks it in two.
Trapper, partly panicked, stuffs the pieces into a small box on Henry's desk, and then they leave the office. A few scenes later, after Robbins arrives, Henry angrily yells across the camp, demanding to know who broke his doll--a great follow-up to a scene that looked and felt like an ad-lib.
Favorite Line: When Hawkeye and Trapper tell Nurse Mitchell (Patricia Stevens) to keep quiet about Baker's surgery, she deadpans: "I'll add it to the list."
