Episode 52 - Iron Guts Kelly

Season 3, Episode 52: Iron Guts Kelly
Original Air Date: 10/1/74
Written by: Larry Gelbart & Sid Dorfman
Directed by: Don Weis

The 4077th is visited by yet another blustery general, Gen. Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly (the great James Gregory) and his assistant, Col. Wortman (Keene Curtis).

Gen. Kelly takes a real shine to Hot Lips, and during a late night drink at the Officers Club, he instructs Col. Wortman to get a tour of the 4077's "Motor pool set-up" from Frank--hopefully taking a couple of hours in the process. Wortman gets the idea, though it takes Henry a little longer to understand what's going on.

A few hours later, Hot Lips bursts into The Swamp, desperately needing help from Hawkeye and Trapper. After initially refusing, they go to her tent, where they find a deceased Gen. Kelly, who died in...mid-performance.

While trying to figure out what to do, Frank arrives. She is shocked to see Hawkeye and Trapper there, playing cards with Hot Lips. Unusual, to say the least.

After getting rid of Frank by pretending to have a headache, Hawkeye and Trapper sneak Gen. Kelly's body out of Margaret's tent, and into Col. Wortman's tent. They tell him what happened (sort of), and he demands that Gen. Kelly has to die "More meaningfully"--in the middle of a battle. He demands the doctors sign a death certificate to that effect, but they refuse.

He threatens them with a court-martial, but since they have the truth on their side, they're not scared. He finally convinces them to put the body in an ambulance, and he'll drive it to the front where there's some fighting.

After putting the body in an ambulance, it drives off, filled with "Business Girls" who some local MPs have arrested. Wortman asks where the ambulance is, and the doctors thought he took it.

Henry finally storms in, wondering why everyone seems to be up in the middle of the night. As Hawkeye and Trapper try to explain, they get a call from the front, saying that Gen. Kelly has been found dead in an ambulance filled with girls.

Wortman takes the phone, and tells the soldier on the other end to take the body to a sector where Wortman order an attack on--with rockets and jets--so Kelly will die "A full-scale, blazing, all-out, glorious, star-spangled-bannered death."

Henry, confused, asks Hawkeye and Trapper if he understands what's happening: is Col. Wortman trying to kill a man who's already dead? Hawkeye and Trapper answer yes, and head back to The Swamp.


Fun Facts: Having the same name as the General, I tried for years to get people to call me "Iron Guts", with no luck.


Favorite Line: Hawkeye and Trapper refuse to sign Col. Wortman's idea of a death certificate for Gen. Kelly, even after he hits them with a Zen saying about how Generals always die in battle.

Hawkeye: "There's another Zen saying: 'Only doctors with holes in heads fill out death certificates like gift vouchers.'"